WW is onboard with trying to save the M

[JGuy]

The feeling of 'wanting to end the R' is detachment. That is GAL as we say around here. You're letting, or really NOT letting your wife control how you feel and act.

That would make sense... the possibility of detachment without ending the M seems like walking a fine line to me. Emotionally moving on as thought I were on my own, but without actually going through with divorce. I can see how this would be a smart thing to do in order to give a chance for a new R to replace the old one, if my W decides that she wants the M after all once she sees the kind of person I am when I am detached. Yay! Finally feeling aligned with the advice I'm getting here!

Our stress to you, and why I'm on this BB, is that I believe in M with all my being. My wife, like yours, has issues. I made a comittment to her, and will not break it.

What is your view on marriage? This site exists for those who believe in hope, in that it's never too late.

There are cases where a marriage needs to end - no doubt. Physical violence, emotional abuse, children or other lives at risk, substance abuse, etc.

Thanks for asking, trumpet. My view isn't that far off... I do believe in M very much too. But I would add the following:

My belief is that the spiritual purpose of M is not only procreation and family, but for two people to grow spiritually together, closer to knowing themselves and to God. I believe that only when that purpose is being fulfilled can a M remain happy and healthy (and passionate!). If it's not there, then at best it will be mediocre, but often it will be miserable for at least one spouse. For a M to be able to support this purpose of spiritual growth, it requires BOTH people to be willing to work through the conflicts and issues that arise. Their love for themselves and for each other must be strong enough to motivate them to do the hard work that is necessary. When one partner is unwilling to do the necessary work and face the issues, then the spiritual growth comes to a halt. When this happens, the other partner who is willing to do the work and longs for growth is denied that very essential soul need. I believe that in the eyes of God, it is unfortunate but acceptable to divorce in this case, but only after the willing spouse has tried absolutely everything they can to save the M.

So, the one thing I haven't tried yet is this "ending the old R without actually going through with D". I can see how this may result in a big shift in behavior that could create the possibility for a new R to grow in the old R's place. Since I haven't tried this yet, I want to finally try it now. If this is in fact exactly what detachment and GAL is all about, then that's awesome. I think I might finally be getting it.