WW is onboard with trying to save the M

[JGuy]

I spent last night and this morning taking in what Zeus and Azzork have said. Until recently I have been solidly in the state of "wanting to save the M" and have been subject to the feelings surrounding that. In this state, I feel like all I want to do is talk to my W, work on the R, try to rebuild, etc. I am recognizing that you guys are right, those things are a dead end right now. In this state, I have trouble sleeping at night and I get ongoing, unbearable back and neck tension from the feelings of anger and of having no control over my life.

Only in the past week have I began to explore a different state of "wanting to end the M", which has brought a very different set of positive feelings, which are motivating me to do the exact things that you guys are advising me to do. In this state, I feel a strong impulse to GAL, find myself again, begin really working on myself, etc. I feel excited about detaching and what the future holds. I feel a glimpse of freedom from the many restrictions that this M has placed on me, especially the way that I have felt trapped like a prisoner in my own house because of the way that I have accommodated my W's OCD. In this state, I sleep well at night and my back and neck tension goes away and I feel a sense of control over my own life.

I'm really confused about the advice I'm getting here because it seems like an unnatural hybrid between these two states, which goes strongly against the grain of the way my emotions work. You guys keep pushing me to avoid the impulse of wanting to end the M, yet you also keep pushing me to do all of the things that I would be naturally motivated to do if I was to embrace that state and go with it. I feels impossible for me to remain in the state of "wanting to save the M" while proceeding with all of the things that I would need to do if I was in the opposite state. My emotions just don't work that way... it's very confusing!!

What am I missing here? Is there some hybrid state between the two that I can embrace which can set me on a path to doing all of the right things, but without burning any bridges that would prevent me from saving the M? Maybe I need to embrace "ending the M in its current form". ie: Walking away from the old R once and for all to let it die, but without being closed to the possibility that a totally new R with my W could take it's place in the future.

Hmmm.. that feels right at the moment, but I'm not supposed to follow feelings. Arghhh... so confusing!

JGuy feeling very lost today.