WW, My Addiction, Patience is HARD

[trumpet]

Zues's words in the last 2 days really got me to good thoughts about my sitch.

It's hard NOT to know what my wife is doing, and not spying on her, but I realize now I'm just putting myself into a spin. Better not to know what's coming up, so I don't make a possible good moment with my W go upside down by anger from what I read.

My 14D doesn't want to go with W and her sis and bro to friends place for New Years. I told her I could change plans and spend the night with her. She was happy about that, and really, I was, too. Planning on asking her what she wants me to make for us to celebrate. Being in 8th grade, it's a difficult age, and I'm actually bonding way more with her than I ever have, and I have more meaningful discussions with her than my wife does, or at least it seems. She shows a lot of emotion, like I do, so I need to help her understand, control, and work with her emotions instead of letting them take a hold of her.

I'm pretty positive the W file next week. I've told my pastor and my brother - my support network only. My parents are on a month vacation - they don't need to know. I had a really good cry this morning after I showered, realizing I wanted to write a letter to my old flame from high school, the only other woman I've ever been with, to apologize for being such a jerk at times when we were together. I'll probably write the letter, but not send it. It will need time to percolate.

What got me in tears was that I will probably never write a letter like that to my W. She wouldn't want one, and it would make things so much worse. Maybe long after a D... maybe. The realization that this might be the end of the M, in it's current form, was a sad moment.

I have done a good job GAL in the last 24 hours... hey, don't make fun of me - I made it a day without asking for reassurances, talking to my W, texting her for anything but the kids... one day down, many more days to go. Heck, I didn't even tell her the son's dr's appt. wasn't needed - we got there, he already got his booster, and they apologized. Something I don't need to tell her. In the past, I would have probably said something, and it would have made her feel bad, no matter how I said it, and she would have gotten angry at me or herself.

My brother, and a couple of others who know my sitch at work just say it's time to move on past her. I now know that I must trust my beliefs - I don't believe in divorce, so their words fall to the ground. I can't trust my feelings to end the marriage, no matter how sad and lonely I am. I can't tell my wife I want to date, or how lonely I am, because I'm just hurting. The hurting will fade.

When she asked to 'back the hell away', I said OK. This conversation happended on Tuesday, I believe. She said - will you? I said yes. She said she'd called the lawyer, and that she was just confused on how it all would go down, but that she thought we were finally done, and couldn't take the hurt anymore.
The only time I got her to get closer to me was my first attempt at DB'ing... it was an ok attempt, but not as good as it could have been. I'm stronger now, and I've cried some tears seeing a possible death of the marriage. I think for me, it's put me in a place where I can no hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. No amount of begging will truly get her back. Her panic attacks and words on Sunday tell me she's just as conflicted inside as she ever has - my efforts really did put another wedge in us.

I have begun to think of myself back at college, without an attachment - how did I make it day to day? What did I do? How did I act? Of course the kids are here now, and I'm 20 years older, but I'm going back to those memories, good memories, to remember who I was back then, and how I made my life an enjoyable one. Was I this sad all the time? No. I had hope for a future, and confidence in who I was.

Thinking of taking dancing classes, or maybe Judo. Judo seems interesting. I know I want to jump out of a plane next year. I might take a trip on my own in January, if the weather is decent. Anyone have suggestions for a day or two trip in the Midwest?