Who is the most important person in your life, your kids or you?
If you are not in a very healthy emotional and mental state, you need to take care of you, so you can make your kids a priority.
I know when I am not in a good state of mind, I am not a very good parent, and that's when I need to take of ME. Then when I have myself right, my daughter can become my priority.
A lot of the guys on here get exasperated with you, me included! So, for New Year, can you please try and let her go. Not your kids, but let the turmoil of life with your W float away, because trust me, it will kill you the way you're going on.
I say this as a friend who's concerned by your behaviour and I want your kids to have somebody to walk down the aisle with, not a pile of ash stood in a jar.
You can do this Ghost - YOU CAN DO IT!
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Your kids aren't your priority right now, you are not your priority right now, your wife is.
And I know how that can go. But everything began to change for me as soon as I took the focus off him, and put it where it belonged. on me and my daughter
Your kids aren't your priority right now, you are not your priority right now, your wife is.
And I know how that can go. But everything began to change for me as soon as I took the focus off him, and put it where it belonged. on me and my daughter
Ginger doesn't mean that your wife SHOULD be your priority. She was stating the fact that she IS your priority right now.
Your kids aren't your priority right now, you are not your priority right now, your wife is.
And I know how that can go. But everything began to change for me as soon as I took the focus off him, and put it where it belonged. on me and my daughter
Ginger doesn't mean that your wife SHOULD be your priority. She was stating the fact that she IS your priority right now.
It's time to change that.
Exactly^^.
Going back to your original question about who comes first, I think of it this way:
On an airplane, when there's turbulence, and the oxygen masks drop drown to use, we are told to put the 02 mask on ourselves FIRST, and THEN put the 02 on your child's. If we can't breathe, they won't be able to breathe.
THIS^^ metaphor is to show you that when your kids need you, and they do/will, they can rely upon & look at you for comfort and strength, because you'll be squared away.
As I told you, my mother died suddenly & she died right before we had to take our last child (daughter) off for college. I "kept my sh1t together" for my daughter, despite being in so much pain...it was For HER, that I wanted to create a happy send off. My D was leaning on ME to reassure her & help her feel confident.
How did I do it? 2 ways: First, I talked to an IC right after my mother passed, and again before taking our d off to the east coast. The IC really helped.
Secondly, I faked it till I could make it. I put aside my grief and laid it on a shelf to get thru the days of the trip. I knew I could always go off by myself to grieve, which helped me function when I could not overtly show my grief.
If I were in your shoes, I'd do the same. Compartmentalize your spinning/pain.
Your children need reassurance from you now, more than ever. But they will Not be able to get support from you if all your energy continues to be spent in pursuit of a woman who does not want you now, or spinning about, cycling and asking repeatedly "Why/why/why??? OR What do I do now?"
You KNOW you have to detach. You KNOW you must GAL, in order to Detach.
This is^^ simple. Yes it is simple.
It's not "easy" but it's also Not complicated.
You're making everything too complex & you do this based on FEAR. (What if I GAL?? - as if you've given that a chance AND as if what you're doing is working AND as if we are suggesting something that is risky.
Even if you are Not a believer, the following applies: When you operate in Fear, you are Not operating in Faith.
GAL IS NOT RISKY!!. We harp and harp on GAL, b/c we know it works!
It means you're someone bringing something to the table as a mate,
other than your FEARS & NEEDS. I feel as if I've already listed GAL activities before on your thread. Don't make excuses for Not GAL. It's inertia and fear. You have to overcome them.
Your posts and your life, is still mostly all about her and how you feel about losing her...Change that.
What's stopping you from GAL? Are there zero interests outside of your family?
Nothing you ever wanted to do, join, visit, study, learn, coach, or a new church you'd like to attend? You've been "STUCK TOO LONG" and that's a choice you're making. Time for a different choice.
Seeing you make the same choices of NOT GAL and NOT Detaching, is just so frustrating, for me anyhow.
Last edited by 25yearsmlc; 12/31/1505:32 PM.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
This s more about getting a general feel in what others would do in the same situation
My eldest son wants an iPad and he asked my w and his mum if he can get one and she said no now I know she said no so he then came to me and said can he get one ....I do,not,want to totally piss off my W however if he is willing to at me back then I do not have a problem but then this is going behind my wife's back
My thoughts are if we were a couple then we decide together on things and agree on matters now we are not then we each can decide separately .....and the kids will play is each off against each other to get the things that they want so how do most people here deal with things like this,I,said,to my W that decisions like this should,not be made by one person we need to discuss and agree to save any conflicts ....right or wrong
Thanks
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
Even if your wife doesn't want you at the moment, you need to stand by her answer. It's called co-parenting. If you were still together would you go behind her back or would you show an united front!
Your kid knows what going on and he tries to play you against your W. I have been separated for 9 months now. My H stands by me when I make a decision and likewise for me. I work with kids from separated family and they play their parents against each other. It's awful as the parents hate each other!
If you want to save your M, stands by your W when it concerns kids unless you have concerns about their safety!
You will still have a co-parenting relationship with your W regardless of if you're a couple or not. It's not ok for your kids to play one parent off the other, that will cause major issues later on. You can still make those decisions along with her but stop wondering if she will get mad or not.
Alternatively, she doesn't get to have the final say in your relationship with your kids. If you want to get him an iPad first and she says no, realize it's not her right to tell you how to parent your kids. I would respect her opinion and try to find a solution that works for everyone first.
Point being your still approaching this wrong, you view everything through the lens of how W will react or think about it.
Last edited by Fogg; 12/31/1506:25 PM.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
You agree on things re your children not because you are H and W but because you are PARENTS.
That doesn't change if you D, you co-parent.
If W says no to something then you discuss it. If you think yes and she thinks no, you agree on a parenting strategy and normally you agree in advance.
As in "W you said no, but I think yes (or visa versa). In future can we each say to the children "I need to agree this with Dad (or Mum) and then I will let you know", please let's do this in future"
You are still parents as "Dad can I have a tattoo of Elvis Presley on my nose"
Dad says " I think no, but I need to agree this with mum, then I will come back to you"
Then dad says to mum "our S wants a tattoo of Elvis Presley on his nose, I provisionally said no but what do you think?"
Mum sys "I agree that no tattoo is appropriate"
Then "W I will tell S that mum and dad agree no Elvis tattoo on your nose"
If mum says instead " I think that would be a nice tattoo", then you discuss it with W
Then you go back and say " S mum and I agree you can have the tattoo when you are 21 if you still want it" or whatever you agree
Then dad goes back to W and says " I told S, no tattoo until he is 21 and mum and dad agree on that"
--------------------------
For instance S wants an iPad, you said no W and I respect that but I think it's ok. Can we discuss that, please explain your thinking on the iPad.
I would like to buy S an iPad for his birthday? In 12 months for next Xmas. Can we agree on our co parenting on this issue.
No doubt others will have their views too, this is my thinking.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 12/31/1506:35 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
