Devastated after finding hope in the DB process

[LiM]

I’m hoping for some advice as I’m feeling completely hopeless and lost.
My wife and I are in our early 40’s and have been married for 21 years. We have children. We’ve had a good marriage but it certainly hasn't been without its ups and downs. We’ve been to counseling before and it has always been helpful. In the past, both of us have been equally willing to recognize there are problems and were willing to go to counseling together. I’ve always found counseling to be useful and productive.
Our present situation is that we’ve both been engaged in our very busy lives and truthfully we have grown apart. We are probably both equally to blame for that.
I will admit that I can be guilty of being “oblivious” to problems that are obvious to my wife. I think this is probably true for a lot of men. But once they are pointed out to me (and sometimes it does take me a while to “get it”), I agree and begin to work on the problem with my wife.

Earlier this Summer, my wife started going to counseling on her own. At that point, a red flag should have gone up for me but it didn’t. I should have known that something was wrong and gotten involved. But I was oblivious. About 2 months ago, we had a big argument where she told me she was wanted to leave and separate. Again, something like this shouldn't have been a surprise to me but it was. I didn't see it coming. So over the next 2-3 weeks, I recognized that there was in fact a serious problem. I began going to counseling on my own but kept trying to get her to come with me because I felt we needed to work on it together. She was very resistant. She eventually did begin to come to 2 or 3 appointments with me this month but over that time period, it became very clear to me that she had already made up her mind that she wanted to leave and she would refuse to say that she was willing to work on the marriage with me. As I came to realize the seriousness of our situation, I began to become very depressed/angry/emotional. I would plead with her to please work with me on the marriage and I met resistance at every step.

A couple of days ago, I bought the book and realized that I was currently doing EVERYTHING that I was not supposed to be doing. I could check off most every item on the “do not do list.” The good news is that it made complete sense to me. Reading about why I shouldn't be doing those things and how by stopping I could turn my marriage around was exactly what I needed. Almost immediately, my depression lifted and I found the hope I needed to move forward. I felt that it would actually be easy for me to follow the process because it made so much sense. I began immediately.

I sat down with my wife and basically told her “All of your feeling are valid. You have a right to feel the way you do. I understand that you need to make choices that you feel are best for you right now and I’m ok with that. I don't need you to promise to work on the marriage with me. I will begin focusing on working on myself.” She then said “But you’re basically going to still be sitting around being depressed and angry.” I said “I have to choose if I am going to stay in that place or if I’m going to work on myself and move forward. I choose to move forward.”

I could immediately see a transformation in her right before my eyes. I could see her thinking “WTF is going on here? How have I managed to be this new person all of the sudden? Where had my depression gone? How was I suddenly ok with all of this?”

Then 3 hours later, I received information that confirmed she was actively having an affair. I had managed to stop doing all the things on the list except the spying. And now I can't undo that. I am paralyzed and devastated. I don't know what to do.

I believe the affair has probably been going on for 2-3 months. I believe her decision to separate is imminent but that she is not leaving me for the other individual. I think she has been lonely and was looking for comfort and support. I do not think she has already decided that divorce is certain.

But what do I do now? I love her with all my heart but I have no idea if its possible for me to overcome what she has done. Do I wait and let her leave on her own accord in a couple of weeks as I think she is planning? Do I call her out and kick her out of the house? I want to continue following the steps outlined in the books but now I’m so devastated that I don't know if its possible for me to not be depressed and outwardly wounded. Prior to this knowledge, I was certain beyond the shadow of a doubt that our marriage was salvageable. And now, I just don't know. My next counseling appt isn't until Monday and I don't know how to survive till then without some support or direction.