Updated/still thinking about next steps

[kyrie]

I read back over your previous threads last night. My sense of your description is that you and H are caught in a high conflict communication cycle, with you both needing to be right about the other. Sounds like so much hurt and accusation and blame. And throw what also sounds like MLC on top. It reads like the two of your a mirroring back to each pain and hurt, pain and hurt Well it just sounds increadiably hard.

Yes, I think that's true.

Someone, likely you Kyrie needs to get off this exhausting tredmill. It really does go no where and you sound lost and defeated. It also sounds from what you write that you feel responsible for fixing whatever is broken in the M and in H.

I feel responsible for *my part*... and sometimes more. But I do know I have to be responsible for my part.

The thing is Kyrie you don't have that level of control or power. You only have the ability over you. That is what I meant saving yourself.

I read that you have a background in the Miltary. I make an assumption that you have a good understanding of self discipline and self control, that you know how to take plan and make it work to the advantage of you and your unit or team.


Likely what I am about to say is going to sound impossible. But Kyrie it likely needs to be done. Get that miltary game back on. It's time to get your heart out of the game and get yourself a strategy. DBing is the strategy.

H thinks your game playing, well potentially this is the case. Likely what he is seeing is you moving in and out of your Dbing and it confuses him.

Time to commit to a plan. And Kyrie the plan really doesn't involve much of H doing anything other than him being exactly who he is right NOW. The more you accept that H is going to keep turning up everyday looking and behaving exactly how he is the more you work your plan.

180, no R talk, GAL, see counsellor and work on you, build your self esteem and confidence, get yourself a spew jacket, and start emotionally separating yourself from H view of you and this M.
[/color]

Him being exactly who he is, means he will continue to assail me with this stuff, expecting to "talk through it", but only in his warped, tightly controlled way. There is no out, no end, no solution. He expects responses & replies, not simple validation and listening. THat's why I'm so stuck.
Yes, I DO want him to change, to get better, to be the leader he should be and desperately wants to be. But I know he's not ready and nothing I do will make him do those things.
This is where I'm stuck. I feel like the ONLY thing that he will *get* is separation/ending it. That might be his rock bottom.

And Fo.2, yes, same bedroom, etc. It was nearly every night for months for a while. Sometimes they go well but mostly negative. The children are mostly shielded but they know it is not "nice" right now.
I take care of myself for the most part. My heart and soul hurt to no end, but physically I'm ok. Yes, regular exercise has been very helpful.
Not much of a real support system...