The only "mistake" you made was not turning your phone off and "checking in" to your email/text back home. Sure you would have had anxiety about what he was thinking and doing while you were gone but eventually that anxiety can subside as you await the affair's inevitable end and your WH's eventual crash. You just quietly get on with YOUR life and your WH can catch up or not. Totally up to him.
He's not entitled to know who planned the trip, who wanted to go or any information about what you and the kids discuss about him when he's not around....BECAUSE he's not around. Stop explaining things to him. He's a big boy taking on big boy problems - he'll figure it out. The rules HAVE changed - and YOU are erecting the boundaries & rules for access to you.
Happy New Year and glad you had a great Christmas. Go somewhere for New Years and leave your phone at home (because we all know if you don't you'll be watching it to see if and when WH acknowledges "happy new year" in any way. Best way to avoid that is not to take your phone and go away somewhere without. You can check it the next afternoon or whenever you get home but don't let concerns about him consume your entire evening.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
Gmum - the back door smashed in is definitely evidence of tantrum. And yes I will remember the good times. The trip for me was all about the kids having a good time. It was a challenge for 5 siblings to be together for 7 days straight all the time but they they were great and they definitely had bonding life long memories. I also got to see some very special sides to each one of them, in their kindness to me and thoughtfulness to each other
GB thank you, Happy New Year to you as well. You are right I shouldn't have checked my phone I was trying to see if I could FaceTime on Christmas day to family. I spoke to my IL yesterday and they said he wouldn't even talk to his father on Christmas because he was so angry that FIl had driven us to the airport and no one had told him. Yet he tells no one about his life. He is completely unaccountable . This new year I will focus on my kids as always but yes on GAL
JulieH - thanks I am really going to try to Gal - that is really hard for me. I am an odd combination of introvert/extrovert. With strangers I am so shy and uncomfortable but with people I know I am the life of the party. I am pretty sure legally I can't lock him out of the house he is still half owner It is just not in my nature to put myself first make myself top priority - I guess I have never felt that I am "worth it". And some would say that is a self fulfilling prophesy because now H doesn't think so either
Anc- thank you so much for thinking of me. It was so nice to read your response. I really did take so much joy from seeing the kids have a great time. Also having other people we met on the resort tell me how wonderful my children were. It really is like H is a 17 year old but not even the 17 year old version of himself - it's like his evil alter ego because he was always such a good boy. oW was the one who told him to break into the house. I will remember all the great things about the trip - the excursion into the jungle, the waterfall, dancing with the "natives" , all the games and events the kids participated in, even the challenging walk to dinner after the first afternoon of "all inclusive" drinks. That is one thing about my memory- I really do only remember the good stuff. I think it is a survival mechanism when you come from a large family and have a large family It means a lot to know you are with me here- thanks
I spoke to my IL yesterday and they said he wouldn't even talk to his father on Christmas because he was so angry that FIl had driven us to the airport and no one had told him. Yet he tells no one about his life. He is completely unaccountable.
He's a textbook cake-eater. He wants to have his chippie to live one life but have you at his beck and call back home when he's in the mood for some family time. Whenever you do anything to hinder his double life he acts like a child and throws a tantrum. I've said this before. Your H has the emotional maturity of a 6 year old. You're the adult in this situation.
Don't enable his cake-eating. His behavior will not change that way. He's behaving like a child. Treat him like a child. When he's having a tantrum you stay cool, calm, and collected. Don't, however, allow his bad behavior to go unchecked. That's what he wants. We're all accountable for our actions and that's the last thing in the world that cheaters want. They fear accountability because they know they look like really bad and they know that what they're doing is very wrong. My W tells me that even when she was screaming at me at how this situation was my fault and that she was justified that inside she knew she was lying and she knew she was wrong but her pride would not allow her to admit that openly.
Tx - how long did it take your wife to tell the truth? The whole truth?
I may never know the whole truth. There are a lot of emails and texts that I never got to see before they were destroyed by her. What worked for me is assuming the absolute worst in those messages and going from there. From what I did see she really cut me to the core. Crushed me. I'll never completely recover from it, I don't think. At this point I'm working on building our new relationship and hoping it grows into something great. I'm hopeful but also realistic about it. The problem you're facing is that your jackass husband is still eyebrows deep in affair for. He really is making a huge joke of his life. Is love to have a sit down with him for an hour. I truly believe I could talk some sense into him.
