Wife wants to separate at end of school year

[Bhuda1]

Today is Christmas. Anxiety has taken hold. I made an excuse to leave the house. Its been very difficult acting like this is like any other Christmas. Emotions have taken over and I need to vent.

I need to open up the conversation on where we go from here. We have not discussed our marriage situation in 2 months. I want to open the lines of communication. We need to discuss what the future holds when the school year is over. Living arrangements, financial matters. I know it would be a step back but I want so much to ask my wife If its too late to save the marriage. Can we work through the difficulties?

I am so committed to my marriage, but I fear there is more to our problems than what she has expressed. Is she involved with someone else? Is she hiding the truth from me. I have these feeling based on the way she is very guarded when she reads her texts.

It has been a very tough day and I am at my wits end. I need to talk to my wife. Once I do I can get a better picture on what more I can do.

[tl2]

"I want...", "We need...", "I know it would be a step back..."

It has been a very tough day and I am at my wits end. I need to talk to my wife.

I'm sorry as I know how tough it is. But you don't 'need' to, you 'want' to. You can control this. It's time to take control of your impulses.

Once I do I can get a better picture on what more I can do.

Are you sure about this? How will this work out for you if she doesn't want to talk to you or if she says something you don't want to hear?

[Bhuda1]

I didn't want to hear her say that she wants to separate. The bomb has been dropped. I will give her the option of responding if she wants to. I want to express my views on the situation. Keeping things to myself is one reason we are in this situation.

For too long I kept quiet and look where that has gotten me. As my coach said, I should not go dark living in the same house. He suggested I open up about finances. " when" she decides to separate not "if".

By doing this I can indirectly open up some sort of communication. I know I might not like what I hear but it may also show I am more confident.

[tl2]

It's your decision of course. But if it's true that "anxiety has taken hold" and "emotions have taken over", do you really think those are good reasons to open up a discussion of the future? What will that really get you?

[Bhuda1]

I have decided to keep quiet for the time being. Looking closely at my past actions, I realized that when my emotions were at the similar state they are in now, I would confront my spouse and the results were never to favourable.

There is a movie playing at the theatres right now that we both have interest in seeing. We decided to go see it together within the next week. Part of me is hoping she will commence some type of relationship dialogue when we are alone together.

I must admit I am confused that she is looking to do some Boxing Day shopping for home improvement items. I am confused as to why she is willing to put the effort in if her plans have not changed. Is this a sign that she may be willing to work things out?

I am frustrated because she never expressed her unhappiness and her resentment towards me verbally until the bomb was dropped. I was not oblivious to her feelings, I just wish she would have come forward sooner instead of keeping her true feelings inside.

I made the mistake of trying to get her to open up in the past. After further reflection, this action on my part was ill advised. Unfortunately, if I never started the relationship conversation, I would never know her Mindset.

I am struggling with keeping quiet and detaching myself from her. I am failing at doing the 180. I fear that my 180 will prompt my children to notice that our marriage is not all sunshine and roses. How can I truly detach and do a 180 without causing an adverse effect on my children?

[sandi2]

By doing this I can indirectly open up some sort of communication. I know I might not like what I hear but it may also show I am more confident.

Actually, it will show your insecurity. That's why we say not to ask questions about the future.

I have decided to keep quiet for the time being. Looking closely at my past actions, I realized that when my emotions were at the similar state they are in now, I would confront my spouse and the results were never to favourable.

Exactly!

There is a movie playing at the theatres right now that we both have interest in seeing. We decided to go see it together within the next week. Part of me is hoping she will commence some type of relationship dialogue when we are alone together.

You just said it was your emotions wanting this and it hasn't been favorable in the past........so, look at this the same way.

I must admit I am confused that she is looking to do some Boxing Day shopping for home improvement items. I am confused as to why she is willing to put the effort in if her plans have not changed. Is this a sign that she may be willing to work things out?

No, it is no sign at all. She's a woman. Does she need an excuse to shop? And if she did, it's probably to prepare for the move.

I am frustrated because she never expressed her unhappiness and her resentment towards me verbally until the bomb was dropped. I was not oblivious to her feelings, I just wish she would have come forward sooner instead of keeping her true feelings inside.

If you were not oblivious to her feelings, why would she need to come forward sooner? Would it have changed anything? I mean, you already knew she was unhappy, so what difference would it make for her to verbalize it? That makes it sound as if you would never had done anything to change the sitch if she never spoke up......although you knewabout it.

I am failing at doing the 180

What is the 180?

I fear that my 180 will prompt my children to notice that our marriage is not all sunshine and roses. How can I truly detach and do a 180 without causing an adverse effect on my children?

Again, what 180 are you doing?

[Bhuda1]

I had to go back and read the 180 thread again as I lost focus on what I truly need to do for my 180.

Working out. For too long I have ignored the weight room we have downstairs. An injury has taken away my will to work out. Instead of lounging around the house, I will take part of my evening downtime and get back in shape.

Neatness. I used to gather clothes on the chair in the bedroom, kept my dresser untidy leaving change, receipts and other objects scattered all over the dresser. I have kept my space clean and organized,

Although in the past I have done a share of the housework, I have always asked my spouse what she would like me to do. Now I just do it. She hates cleaning the bathrooms. I now clean the bathrooms without being prompted. While I am at it I also find my self cleaning other areas of the house as well as completing other household chores.

I would like some advice on an area in our daily routine that I needs to be addressed. My wife and I are both self employed. Every weeknight I get home early to prepare dinner, she gets home, dinner is ready, kitchen is cleaned, dishes are either washed or in washing machine. I want to tell her that it's about time that she frees up at least two nights a week to get dinner ready so I can work later. Due to the present arrangement, I postpone client appointments to later in the evening after I prepare dinner. I then drive back to my office to meet clients and sometimes not returning home until after 10 pm. How should I approach her on this subject. Do I tell her that this is what I want or ask if she can respect my job enough to free time up for preparing dinner.

A total 180 on this would be for me to work late every night as she has done for the past 10 years at least. I just want her to be home early for the kids once in a while.

The most important 180 I am working on is quitting smoking. I smoked when we first met. Quit when my first son was born but started to smoke secretly when our relationship problems started. I tried my best to hide it from my wife but I knew she was suspicious. I told her the truth and she was appreciative for my honesty.
This is proving to be tougher than the last time I quit but I know I can do it again.

As time goes by I will figure out other areas of my life where a 180 can come into play.

[Bhuda1]

Just returned from another hockey tournament. Once again spent the past few days with the family. My wife and I get along but I hate this feeling of deception. It's to the point where her actions towards come across as so fake. Knowing she does not want to be with me is eating away at me.

Tomorrow is a new day and the last day of the year. I am so full of fear, confusion and anger. I hate these feelings and acting "as if nothing is wrong " is hard. I too feel like such a fake. As my wife put it " I wear my emotions on my sleeve ". I struggle daily with showing no affection. It's who I am. I care too much for my wife and although I know in my head that this is part of my 180 and needs to be done, my heart is aching.

I find myself so angry at my wife for her betrayal to our marriage that my rage eats me up inside. Thankfully this rage is internal and I am strong enough not to let it get the best of me.

I just needed to vent. I wish it was my spouse that I was venting to. Had I done this in the past and had more communication and dialogue, I am positive we could have avoided this sitch. It hurts not having anyone to talk to.

[Bhuda1]

Its the last day of 2015. Needless to say its been a terrible year for me. I just hope things work out in 2016.

I have not been totally upfront about my situation. One thing I have purposely left out is my jealousy.

I have suspicions that my wife is having an EA with a neighbour. I have circumstantial evidence that there is more to my spouse's relationship with my neighbour than she is admitting. Part of my situation is due to me confronting her about her true feelings towards this neighbour, who I must add is married. I considered us good neighbours until I noticed signs of his infatuation towards my wife.

The unfortunate thing about the situation is his son is the same age as my oldest, and take part on the same sport teams. My evidence of this relationship as mentioned is circumstantial.

I noticed my neighbours over the top attention to my wife. Any chance he gets he texts her, goes out of his way to make sure he is always close to her when we have group functions. He makes an effort to always sit beside or across from my wife. When he sees her a makes a beeline to approach her.

When weekend we were away at a hockey tournament I watch my neighbour leave the hospitality room when he noticed my wife leave. I waited a few minutes and instead of taking the elevator to my room I decided to take the stairs. As I approached my room floor,I caught them holding hands and sneaking off into the stairwell. Obviously this surprised them because I caught them in the act. I said "NICE" and walked past them to our room. He took off and she followed me. We had an argument. My wife's explanation was that he was just trying coax her into joining the rest of the group and he was leading her back. In my eyes they were sneaking off to be alone. My wife then told me not to mention the handholding to his wife. I suggested that she was more interested in his wife's feelings than mine. I asked her then if she wanted to stay married and she replied yes.

Months later I noticed a text message on her cell phone which started with the words "Good Morning Sweetie" When I saw this I had enough. I asked her again straight out if there was more to her relationship than just friendship. She denied this and said they were just friends. I then asked her what his wife would think if she knew he was calling my wife sweetie. She told me that my neighbours wife would probably not like it. I can't remember what happened next. The topic has not been brought up since.

I have to admit that I have such a hate on for my neighbour now and I do not want to socialize with them anymore. Tonight they are hosting an informal New Years Eve party and I hate the idea of going. I do not know what to say to my wife when she will ask me if I want to go. Do I say I don't feel well enough to celebrate. Do I suck it up and go. I feel like I will be such a hypocrite if I go. I absolutely hate the idea of being near him. Its too hard to put up a happy front at this stage.

Any input from other DB'ers would be appreciated.

[sandi2]

This so-called friendship she has with the neighbor is inappropriate. You should not socialize with him. They are having an EA and perhaps more, but it is on it's way to a PA. You need to set a boundary, and be ready to enforce it.