So, let's back up to where you responded to my last post. Here is what I was wanting to know:
Quote:
Did you ever know what it was about you that she admired? Think about the man you were before M. What were you like back then? And, I really need you to answer this question, please.
Your answer was all about her. The only thing you told me about yourself was that you came from a wealthy family and you showed her love. Were you a teenager when you met her? Yes I was nearly 19 What type of personality did you have..........introvert or extrovert? I would say I was introvert What were some of your inner struggles? Some of my inner struggles I had a stammer when I was a child so had trouble making friends and as such I was bullied at school for the speech and for my being overweight I remember when I was 14 I liked a girl at school and one of my so called friends ...friend called upper up and told her that I wanted to do this and that to her I remember getting in trouble at school the next day I would not have said the things that he said I had said as I had not had many girlfriends and was extremely shy Did you have any guy friends? I did have 3 or 4 close guy friends when I was growing up Were you well liked in school. I did have friends at school however I was also bullied ......not b/c of your parents money, but for yourself? Were you pretty much given what you wanted, growing up? Growing my parents were comftable but I did have to work for things that I wanted I used to do paper rounds and then works in the news shop i would not say that I was given everything that I wanted ....my father used to abuse me more emotionally than physically about my weight I know you've said your W is the only sexual partner you've had, but did you ever have a steady girlfriend? No,
Quote:
not to any degree a very casual relationship whe I was about 15;
Maybe I am guilty of trying to analyze. I have seen that whenever anyone asks about your changes, you answer with things you are doing or maybe have stopped doing bad habits. I don't recall you changing or improving anything about the inner you. Outward change is good, but it's the mental/spiritual change or growth that will determine your peace and happiness. That is where the real you resides. That is the guy I would like to hear about. My peace and happiness you know I really do not know how to answer this ....As a child I know i felt unloved and I found happiness and love when I met my W .....I felt insecure as a child and I gues I still do my W is very good looking and I was fearful that she would want to leave me and find someone better .....through our marriage I was controlling my wife chose to let me control her she could have turn arround and said I want to go out with my friends and made me accept this instead she chose to keep me happy by not going out with her friends. I did not see her being unhappy because of this ...I did not see our understand .how wrong I was . .
Now some questions about when you first got married. How old were you? I was 28 How did your parents feel about you marrying this particular girl? My parents used to tell me that I was better than she was she came from a much smaller house and lived in a not so nice area they told me she was lucky to land a catch like me .... they both liked her my mum did especially both had concerns about the age gap Did your parents help you financially? Yes my parents helped us with our deposit on the first house and theŷ paid off my mortgage on our first house when we bought the second house and gave me some money to go towards the new house... my mum would also help me over the years if I was ever short of any money i was always able to ask her for help Did you ever feel that you had to give your W material things, in order for her to stay with you? No not at all she never used to ask me for very much
Sandi thank you for your time ....I guess I did not want to call my W as over the two days I had got my boys to FaceTime my W a couple of times and I know I need to talk to her less
She did not msg me at all while I was away if she wanted to find something out she sent a msg to our son rather than to me ,,,,,Wp she is already very distant.
So you ask what can you help me with ok here is a question whilst I am in the house with my W I am finding the conversation beyeen us getting harder to find things to talk about do I work on building this up or should I try and distance myself
Fogg you are spot on it is the fear is there a way to address this
You know^^^ the answer. STFU. Why MUST you talk to her? You're not there to entertain her, there is no "need to talk"! In fact, you're not great at it. Your "needs" ooze out and are a form of manipulation and pressure.
You're there b/c you are the children's father and you live there, at least for now.
Stop believing that if you say exactly the right words in exactly the right order, that "it" will happen. I could've made the best legal arguments in the world when h and I were sep and I think I'd have "won" if I'd been in court. But h was deaf to my words.
My advice for you at this point?
PLEASE seek professional help asap. We are no substitute for IC.
There is no shame in seeing an IC. I sure did it when h and I were sep and it helped me a lot. [color:#FF0000]I am seeing an IC I have had a couple of sessions however she knows I Am not ready to let go she knows I still want to try and resolve things
I wasted a year of our 2 year sep (yes, 2 years, so check your timeline before you mention how long and painful this all is and there are "no guarantees", etc. We know).
Also, I recently lost my mother, which was an enormous & unexpected loss. There is a gaping hole in my life. Our last child went off to college 2 weeks later, and we moved from a home I loved, to a town where I know 4 people. So the thing is,
OF COURSE, I'm talking to a T! (Why wouldn't I??) I thank God for these resources.
Grief & fear are closely linked, and you are feeling both right now, big time.
Look, You sound as if you are barely functioning, which isn't good for anyone. Plus, even when you are "With" your boys, you do not sound as if you're fully present.
Believe me, I've been there. Just see someone and call this week, even if you can't get in to see them for a bit.
CALL this week.
Just Knowing you're going to be able to talk to someone helps. Thank you
While you wait for the appointment, read the DB book again and again, till you really get that this is a PROCESS, not a fix or cure.
The secret to this, is that there is no secret. We work on all our r's in life.
As Sandi's wise Grandmother said, "you're never done working on things". [/color]
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
Sandi and 25yrs I tried to answer your questions in the order that they came in there was a cross post when I was answering one and I had not had a chance to read the other one
I am having IC one session a week something needs to change but I really do not know how I am going to do this.
I have to either
A) tell her I want to sell the house B) move out C) please can anyone suggest some other options for me
I am happy when I am seeing the children but I struggle so much knowing I have lost my wife
Thank you for the support it is 1 am here in the UK I cannot sleep I have to go out for a drive to clear my mind
C)
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
Sandi and 25yrs I tried to answer your questions in the order that they came in there was a cross post when I was answering one and I had not had a chance to read the other one
I am having IC one session a week something needs to change but I really do not know how I am going to do this.
I have to either
A) tell her I want to sell the house B) move out C) please can anyone suggest some other options for me
I am happy when I am seeing the children but I struggle so much knowing I have lost my wife
Thank you for the support it is 1 am here in the UK I cannot sleep I have to go out for a drive to clear my mind
C)
D) Stay and GAL and Detach, as many many have told you.
It IS an option. You Do have choices.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I have a question who is the most important person in my life
Is it my children or is it me ?
Its a tricky line. I would say my kids come first, but, that doesnt mean that I need to do every single thing they or my XW ask of me in relation to them.
For example, if XW asks me to take them to a Dr. appt because she cant, I will unless there is some conflict I cant avoid. This is a life need that I would not have them miss.
If XW asks me to take them to a birthday party, because she has to work, I will consider it based on the friend, the day, my schedule, etc. This is something they would want to do, but if I cannot do it, then it is not my fault that they miss it.
If W needed a little bit of extra money to feed them, I would likely agree. If she needed a little extra money to take them to the zoo, I would not.
So, let's back up to where you responded to my last post. Here is what I was wanting to know:
Quote:
Did you ever know what it was about you that she admired? Think about the man you were before M. What were you like back then? And, I really need you to answer this question, please.
Your answer was all about her. The only thing you told me about yourself was that you came from a wealthy family and you showed her love. Were you a teenager when you met her? Yes I was nearly 19 What type of personality did you have..........introvert or extrovert? I would say I was introvert What were some of your inner struggles? Some of my inner struggles I had a stammer when I was a child so had trouble making friends and as such I was bullied at school for the speech and for my being overweight I remember when I was 14 I liked a girl at school and one of my so called friends ...friend called upper up and told her that I wanted to do this and that to her I remember getting in trouble at school the next day I would not have said the things that he said I had said as I had not had many girlfriends and was extremely shy Did you have any guy friends? I did have 3 or 4 close guy friends when I was growing up Were you well liked in school. I did have friends at school however I was also bullied ......not b/c of your parents money, but for yourself? Were you pretty much given what you wanted, growing up? Growing my parents were comftable but I did have to work for things that I wanted I used to do paper rounds and then works in the news shop i would not say that I was given everything that I wanted ....my father used to abuse me more emotionally than physically about my weight I know you've said your W is the only sexual partner you've had, but did you ever have a steady girlfriend? No,
Quote:
not to any degree a very casual relationship whe I was about 15;
Maybe I am guilty of trying to analyze. I have seen that whenever anyone asks about your changes, you answer with things you are doing or maybe have stopped doing bad habits. I don't recall you changing or improving anything about the inner you. Outward change is good, but it's the mental/spiritual change or growth that will determine your peace and happiness. That is where the real you resides. That is the guy I would like to hear about. My peace and happiness you know I really do not know how to answer this ....As a child I know i felt unloved and I found happiness and love when I met my W .....I felt insecure as a child and I gues I still do my W is very good looking and I was fearful that she would want to leave me and find someone better .....through our marriage I was controlling my wife chose to let me control her she could have turn arround and said I want to go out with my friends and made me accept this instead she chose to keep me happy by not going out with her friends. I did not see her being unhappy because of this ...I did not see our understand .how wrong I was . .
Now some questions about when you first got married. How old were you? I was 28 How did your parents feel about you marrying this particular girl? My parents used to tell me that I was better than she was she came from a much smaller house and lived in a not so nice area they told me she was lucky to land a catch like me .... they both liked her my mum did especially both had concerns about the age gap Did your parents help you financially? Yes my parents helped us with our deposit on the first house and theŷ paid off my mortgage on our first house when we bought the second house and gave me some money to go towards the new house... my mum would also help me over the years if I was ever short of any money i was always able to ask her for help Did you ever feel that you had to give your W material things, in order for her to stay with you? No not at all she never used to ask me for very much
I know that's a lot of questions, but I hope you will answer.
I hope that I have answered the questions,
Thank you
This is a wonderful post ATP!
Thank you for sharing this with Sandi and the rest of us.
I don't post on your thread ATP because you have amazing people supporting you.
I have been waiting for an opportunity to hear about you the person you are, because that is where the gold is for chaning your sitch. You really did DB with this post.
I'm not sure if you had read my sitch, there is no reason you should, but I see alot of myself in you ATP, I have done for the many months you have been posting.
I struggle with ruminating negative thoughts about myself and my power to make change. I too was fatty at school, never really bullied, but ignored and invisible. My shyness meant I struggled to make friends, needing other's to lead the way.
I also had a father critical of my weight, and also seemed to be annoyed by my breathing too close to him in fact. I had my first relationship with a partner at 35. And I clung so tighlty to him, I squeezed all of the love he had for me out of him. He stopped being able to breath and live around me.
I have loved someone to the point of killing a relationship ATP. I don't want that for you ATP. Please keep sharing about yourself and becoming the best version of yourself. The thing about loving someone too much is that the other person really wants to see you love yourself that much, they can't love you if you don't love yourself.
Please keep doing the work ATP, and I mean that work on you, not your marriage.
My heart really goes out to you.
Much love
JellyBxxx
PS ATP - I head spin too - there a lots of tools to overcome it. There is heaps of hope to overcome it. I did you can too!!
Who is the most important person in your life, your kids or you?
If you are not in a very healthy emotional and mental state, you need to take care of you, so you can make your kids a priority.
I know when I am not in a good state of mind, I am not a very good parent, and that's when I need to take of ME. Then when I have myself right, my daughter can become my priority.
