New Year, New Attitude

[ciluzen]

I actually don't know where he lives exactly, lol. He wanted for some reason to show me early on, and I told him no. I'm glad of that, though.

After that incident at the office, suddenly I've been getting messages from a few of the ladies at the office, asking about my New Years plans, etc. One invite to hang out on New Years.

I have only shown my happy, upbeat side when I've been in the office. I don't know what the sudden shift is...he can be rude sometimes when he's busy so I don't think it was flipping the check at me.

I've had an insight into something...a memory and an epiphany.

When we first moved up here and he had to quit working at his first office, he spent ever day enjoying the lake we lived on while I ran around trying to do leg work trying to find him or me a job. He was in no hurry. I got to know many of the people in his profession and finally one of those contacts came through.He is good at what he does and was immediately hired. He worked there for 17 years! But the memory was of him not dealing with the problem we had, just hoping it would solve itself or go away.

Right now I think he sees me as a difficult, stressful thing, but a responsibility. That equals...a burden.

He sees this house, during his stress over age and money and work, as a large thing that costs money and time with no end in sight to repairs and maintenance. But a responsibility...equals a burden again.

Bubbles gives him enjoyable female companionship, they have work and interests in common, she has a family of young kids and their friends and a large social group and lots of fun activities. If he doesn't want to deal with any of their problems, he doesn't have to. He's not responsible. If he wants to help, it is out of the goodness of his heart...he's a good guy and appreciated since he doesn't HAVE to help. No burden, good feelings only.

Vacation home is on almost no acreage. His maintenance is miniscule. Mow lawn, enjoy river. Trim bushes, enjoy river. Zero maintenance in winter. Responsibility, but not overwhelming... and very enjoyable.

Right now I think he just sees me and the way I had been acting (some of it was justifiable, I know) and the house here as a burden he needed to walk away and ignore, while he deals with his other stresses.

Just a thought. Trying to see his POV from things he's said.

Because D1 had house news, he and I spoke this morning about both kids. I did ok with validating and bringing my "new me" way of dealing with kids (even called myself a control freak a few times and talked of how I needed to just let them take charge of their lives and make of it what they will).

But then...ugh. Had to say maybe we should schedule time to talk. Stupid. I'll back away from that. He had said ok and that he would call me back, but I will back off. Still trying to DB. Just too much time alone.