Quote: Let me try, under the dangerous assumption that his problem with chores is similar to my problem with chores. My love languages are Quality Time and Touching. I suspect that my wife's are Acts of Service and Words of Affirmation, but she mainly asks for Acts of Service.
I'm really looking for romantic connection, and whenever I bring up the subject, she starts talking about chores.
Hello Jonathan!
Thanks for your insights. My LLs are definitely Acts of Service and Receiving Gifts. I suspect that H's are Words of Affirmation and Touching. I am definitely guilty of making the statements that your W made..."I'm looking for love, she's giving me chores". I definitely do not nag, as I am not H's mother, taskmaster or parole officer. However, that means that I either do everything myself or silently seethe as things are left undone.
I understand that I need to be the one to change to get H to make a positive change in my direction. Here is the rub...how to make the change when Words of Affirmation and Touching are definitely foreign languages to me? I grew up in a household where ILY was never spoken...not between my parents and not from my parents to me. Also, touching never happened. I never saw my parents touch and they rarely touched me. We were all on the Acts of Service wavelength big time. Words of Affirmation and Touching come about as easy to me as it is to understand H and his family when they start speaking their native language...
It doesn't help that I had to return SSM to the library yesterday. I am going to the used book store to see if they have a copy there. I just got to the action step chapter and didn't quite finish it...
Quote: I grew up in a household where ILY was never spoken...not between my parents and not from my parents to me. Also, touching never happened. I never saw my parents touch and they rarely touched me.
This might be proof that it's genetic because I grew up in an identical, cold household. I was adopted at birth which would lead me to think that it's not a matter of "knowing" or learning. Desire just seems to run through every inch of your body to the most remote capillaries and nerve endings.
It breaks my heart to think that my W, while kissing, doesn't completely feel the electric tingle of energy that crawls down your spine, around your waist, through your midsection, along the inside of you legs and down to the tips of your toes.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
Quote: "I'm looking for love, she's giving me chores". I definitely do not nag, as I am not H's mother, taskmaster or parole officer. However, that means that I either do everything myself or silently seethe as things are left undone.
Which means that you aren't feeling loved. Same problem he's complaining of.
Quote: I understand that I need to be the one to change to get H to make a positive change in my direction.
You can control what you do better than you can control what he does, so you are in the driver's seat if you decide to start giving in ways he can appreciate.
But ... I do think there's a time and a place for gentle pressure, if you can do it without starting fights.
The latest in my own marriage: after I pushed for two years that we start working on sexuality, my wife finally sought a therapist, but she felt we weren't ready for couples counseling. I have had no idea what she was talking about in her sessions, and started trying to get a few hints. Turns out ... she's basically talking about things related to chores and not feeling affirmed, because this is what she feels as the real block to love in our relationship.
Deja vu. Every time I try to bring up sex, she wants to bring up chores. And if that's the way she experiences love, this is not all that surprising. And every time she brings up chores, I want to bring up sex. Stalemate. Each of us would like to have our issue be first.
We went to counselors who suggested we try quid-pro-quo. "I'll give you sex if you give me chores". An interesting form of prostitution, and if either of us failed on our side, the other had an excuse. This didn't work real well.
So yesterday, when we discused this, I said, "Look, I know you're frustrated about this, and I've not been good in this area. I don't want you to be frustrated. But I also don't want to put off my issues until after we've solved everything else in our marriage - we've been trying that for 18 years, and we never get around to my issues. Can't we work on both at the same time? We may not make progress on both at the same rate, but I really don't want either of us to be frustrated, and I think we both need to be giving."
And she actually said that she would read the Sex-Starved Marriage book and start looking for first steps. It's coming in the mail, probably while I'm still in Europe, so she'll see it before I will.
Jon, that's fantastic!! Keep us posted on how she responds to the book. Also on your reactions when you read it. I can tell you that when I read it, it was such a relief to finally see MY feelings described by someone who REALLY understood what it was all about...
Jon, You are showing as much LD to do houshold stuff as she is LD for sex. I used to get grief about chores and my advice to you is "Remove that source of complaint from the equation and DO THE CHORES". It's easy and you can start today. Do the following. Pick up all dirty clothes you see and put them in the washing machine (approx 30 seconds per day max) - don't run the machine - you will produce pink underware. Load the dishwasher with dirty plates, run it and empty it (approx 5 mins total). Do this every day and I guarantee you will not hear any complaints about chores. If you feel loving and there is a pile of ironing and she is not around, do 3 or 4 items - that's enough (You may even get a purvy kick out of ironing her clothes). I do this stuff and cut the grass. Chores are no longer an issue. SD
35-40 minutes!!! No way. Read it again. 5 mins 30 seconds and that is probably more than it takes. Dirty clothes are easy, just pick up any you find and take them to the washing machine during your normal travels around the house - same with chocolate wrappers etc. Washing up. If you have a dishwasher and if on your travels, you see a dirty dish, mug, or plate, (there will be loads lying around if you have Ks) pick it up and put it in the dishwasher. Also clear up after meals. It takes hardly any time and you will quickly get used to it. Ironing is more difficult. I got into it when W had a bad back. Ws complain about ironing all the time so you will get credit for doing some of it - but don't do it all. Ws secretly like doing it because they get half an hour of peace away from H and Ks - mine irons in the bedroom while watching TV. I hope this helps. SD
Subject: Ironing Hey SuperDave. Here in the United States of America (I know, those uppity colonists at it again), we have a fabric we like to call "permanent press." It generally requires no ironing at all. I have a couple of cotton shirts that require ironing, but that's it. If I have a couple of wrinkles on a shirt, I just wear it, and my incredible super power of BODY HEAT tends to flatten it out.
You really ought to investigate this incredible fabric. If they don't have it across the pond in the motherland, perhaps a trip is in order. However, if you can't afford the trip, go to arrowshirts.com or some other site...they deliver.
Hairdog...who continues to be depressed about his wife's birthday, his wife, his marriage, etc.
I grew up in a household where ILY was never spoken...not between my parents and not from my parents to me. Also, touching never happened. I never saw my parents touch and they rarely touched me. We were all on the Acts of Service wavelength big time. Words of Affirmation and Touching come about as easy to me as it is to understand H and his family when they start speaking their native language...
I am going to the used book store to see if they have a copy there. I just got to the action step chapter and didn't quite finish it... 
