Here again after 9 years and struggling

[inpain]

Oh Inpain. I don't know what to say. There is so much you can take. I have to say that it made me smile when you H said it was too late as you asked him to leave. See how he is putting the blame on you. Let me guess he didn't try to make you change your mind. Like my H, I truly believe that they are cowards and that we made the decision for them.

Yes, your guess is spot on Rouky. No, he didn't try to make me change my mind. More like I was running after him saying, "I didn't mean it, I was just angry and upset, please don't go!" Why am I so weak and stupid?

TBH I remember regretting kicking him out, but not anymore. I don't like who he has become. I can feel little by little the door closing and I'm no longer dreading the D word.

It's sad that it has to come to this end, but I don't want to suffer anymore. I don't want to be unhappy anymore. I'm only 40 and still have a life ahead of me.

I hope I can get to where you are and I wish I had your optimism. I'm 43 but I don't use the term 'only' with it. I don't feel 'only 43' and think I have a life ahead of me, I feel like I have no chance of a happy life now, too old to start all over again. Especially however many years down the line it's likely to be before I'm truly happy again after this.

Hang in there Inpain, I'll walk the road with you and if you stumble I'll pick you up. Have faith

Thank you so much Rouky. It means so much to have you all here helping me to get through and I hope I am of some help likewise, even though I don't feel that I am right now and I'm sorry for that. Thank you for being here.

[Zues126]

Yes, I really need to see that he just doesn't want me or love me at all. I wish I knew how long for because I feel like everything I've known for years has been a lie.

You were spot on until this. Concluding he doesn't love you and doesn't want you and hasn't for years and everything was a lie is letting your emotions drive your thoughts a bit. I can't say for sure he always loved you or that he's conflicted, etc, but that's much more likely the case. It's usually not a matter of love, it's a matter of resentment that gets in the way.

TBH I remember regretting kicking him out, but not anymore. I don't like who he has become. I can feel little by little the door closing and I'm no longer dreading the D word.

It's sad that it has to come to this end, but I don't want to suffer anymore. I don't want to be unhappy anymore. I'm only 40 and still have a life ahead of me.

Inpain, while I don't want you to suffer endlessly (and you won't), there is nothing wrong with feeling the loss that comes with D.

I don't really feel the way Rouky does on this one. I don't know the whole story so I'm speaking in general...My belief in remaining in a committed marriage doesn't hinge on whether I like that person or not. If they become someone I don't like, they may become someone I do like in the future. I dislike the 'we grew apart' talk. Whatever. I'm reading too much into that part of the comment.

You're right. You can't simply patch a new relationship over the remains of a failed marriage and broken family and have the relationship you wanted with someone else plugged in. It doesn't work that way. The whole idea of a marriage is building your life with one person that you take to be special to you. If they're all replaceable then they can't be special, just today's hired actor to play the part of a partner.

So I admire your pain, because it is a sign of how deeply you cared, and how strongly you meant your commitment.

That all said, I feel the same and I am surviving and thriving. So don't worry about being in the tunnel. We are here to guide you on this rope tour. Just hold on to our rope and drop the other rope. OK, I confused myself.

[ciluzen]

Hey, IP. I get it. I've been having the down, hopeless, weak moments and beating myself up over them. As Z said, we need to keep holding on to that DB rope to get through this tunnel. I think everyone mentions that fantasy letter or email. I even told H in a weak moment that we need to schedule a talk...stupid, I know. Don't initiate R talk. Weak moment when I'd been doing ok.

Give him space. He soundslike he is thinking about some things. Let him think. Enjoy your kiddos and appear to him to be happy. I'll try to remember to do the same.

[JZ109]

Hi JZ109 and thank you for posting, I really appreciate you taking the time. It does help with loneliness to come on here and see that someone replied. Sorry you're here too, I'll have a read of your situation.

My situation is somewhat different from yours. W is still here, and very much invested in the kids, as I am. I went through a period of soul-crushing loneliness, but am largely on the other side of that. We're in separate beds, though and nights are still hard.

I ended up going to breakfast but wished I hadn't as it made me feel worse.

I was afraid that might be the case. Spending any time with your H right now is probably going to be like that. You can't help looking at him with the "sad eyes" (as my W calls them) right now. I've been there. I used to burst into tears multiple times a day. I've been working on detaching, and building up my emotional resilience. The sad eyes have largely been replaced with my usual twinkle. But some days are harder than others. Hang in there, and keep taking care of yourself and your kids.

[inpain]

You were spot on until this. Concluding he doesn't love you and doesn't want you and hasn't for years and everything was a lie is letting your emotions drive your thoughts a bit. I can't say for sure he always loved you or that he's conflicted, etc, but that's much more likely the case. It's usually not a matter of love, it's a matter of resentment that gets in the way.

You are so right here Zues126, H said during his ILYBNILWY speech that he just couldn't stop hating me for everything I've done. The everything I've done being that I was snappy and angry for a long time because of his EA. When I re read the chapter in DR about infidelity I wonder why my H wasn't prepared for the recovery time to be a long haul thing. He has said himself he gave up trying a long time ago. He offered to read DR when I initially found out about the 2nd reconnection with OW. He got about 30 pages in - wow -thanks for the commitment to mending what you destroyed!

I don't really feel the way Rouky does on this one. I don't know the whole story so I'm speaking in general...My belief in remaining in a committed marriage doesn't hinge on whether I like that person or not. If they become someone I don't like, they may become someone I do like in the future. I dislike the 'we grew apart' talk. Whatever. I'm reading too much into that part of the comment.

Yes, this is how I feel too. My H said that 'we've grown apart line'. No, we didn't grow apart, we stopped doing things that were loving and spending time together. Me because he hurt me so much with EA and him because...well I don't know.

So I admire your pain, because it is a sign of how deeply you cared, and how strongly you meant your commitment.

That all said, I feel the same and I am surviving and thriving. So don't worry about being in the tunnel. We are here to guide you on this rope tour. Just hold on to our rope and drop the other rope. OK, I confused myself.

Yep, you confused me too lol! I did mean my commitment and I still do. I am finding it so hard to drop the rope. I don't want to drop it. I don't want to be a single Mum. I don't want my children to be 'suitcase kids'. Here I am crying again. Sorry and thank you for continuing to post on my thread, I really appreciate it and your posts always contain helpful words.

[inpain]

Hey, IP. I get it. I've been having the down, hopeless, weak moments and beating myself up over them. As Z said, we need to keep holding on to that DB rope to get through this tunnel. I think everyone mentions that fantasy letter or email. I even told H in a weak moment that we need to schedule a talk...stupid, I know. Don't initiate R talk. Weak moment when I'd been doing ok.

Give him space. He soundslike he is thinking about some things. Let him think. Enjoy your kiddos and appear to him to be happy. I'll try to remember to do the same.

Thanks Ciluzen, I'll try. I wish I could pick H up and shake him like a box of cereal. How can he think this is best for his children? That is what breaks my heart the most.

[inpain]

My situation is somewhat different from yours. W is still here, and very much invested in the kids, as I am. I went through a period of soul-crushing loneliness, but am largely on the other side of that. We're in separate beds, though and nights are still hard.

That is good news that you are both so invested in the kids. My H seems to be quite happy to just leave me to it with them. I could be wrong, it could be his way of dealing with the pain of not seeing them every day but it certainly doesn't come across that way when he's with them.

Hopefully eventually you and your W will be able to be closer again, keep DBing. You have an advantage with her being in the same house. I'd do anything to have that right now.

I ended up going to breakfast but wished I hadn't as it made me feel worse.

I was afraid that might be the case. Spending any time with your H right now is probably going to be like that. You can't help looking at him with the "sad eyes" (as my W calls them) right now. I've been there. I used to burst into tears multiple times a day. I've been working on detaching, and building up my emotional resilience. The sad eyes have largely been replaced with my usual twinkle. But some days are harder than others. Hang in there, and keep taking care of yourself and your kids.

LOL at the 'sad eyes'. Yes, that's what I have, despite very strong efforts not to have them. I just cannot bear to see him act normally with the children and so cold towards me. I think I will definitely decline any future offers to join him and the kids unless there are other signs of him softening towards me.

[inpain]

H text me while he was at work at 01:30 to say he was still at work so might not be round to see kids in morning as promised. He was supposed to finish at 23:00. I replied because I was still up - always am since BD - and said, "OK, you must be very busy." He replied to say yes he was very busy.

This morning he did actually come round for 1/2 hour before he was due back at work. The kids barely spoke to him - too busy with their Christmas toys/games. He told me he didn't mean to wake me up last night with is text. I told him he didn't wake me.

I was preparing dessert for my New Years Eve meal tonight so wasn't in the same room as him and kids. When he went to leave he told me that he had told the kids he'll ring them later. I just nodded and he left. Then I burst into tears. I really find it hard to take, him being so matter of fact and cold with me. Only a week before he left he was hugging and kissing at the bonfire party we went to and now he can hardly bear to talk to me.

[ciluzen]

IP,

I'm sending you big hugs from afar. Its crazy how one minute they can be so loving and the next...cold, hot, irritated, sad...whatever pops up. But we are the same, aren't we? One minute feeling like we can do this detachment thing, then anxious, then calm, then angry, then in tears...

I've been reading and re-reading DR, but also a source about dealing with our issue solo. It has been mentioned in other people's posts in dealing with the pursuer/ distancer relationship. It is VERY helpful. Find it and study it. I'm not perfect at this, but as I've said, research helps me to feel a little more in control (control freak that I am) of me and my part in this.

I hope it might help you, too. My heart is breaking for you in your isolation. But you have people here who care for you, so you aren't totally alone!

[inpain]

IP,

I'm sending you big hugs from afar. Its crazy how one minute they can be so loving and the next...cold, hot, irritated, sad...whatever pops up. But we are the same, aren't we? One minute feeling like we can do this detachment thing, then anxious, then calm, then angry, then in tears...

Yes, you're right, we are the same, except we don't decide to up and leave our S just because we feel different one day! I just don't get why he would be kissing me one weekend and the next weekend he hates me enough to leave!? Even since he left we had posed for a couple of family photos and he put his arm round my waist?! Yet he has no feelings for me he says.

I've been reading and re-reading DR, but also a source about dealing with our issue solo. It has been mentioned in other people's posts in dealing with the pursuer/ distancer relationship. It is VERY helpful. Find it and study it. I'm not perfect at this, but as I've said, research helps me to feel a little more in control (control freak that I am) of me and my part in this.

I hope it might help you, too. My heart is breaking for you in your isolation. But you have people here who care for you, so you aren't totally alone!

I think I have read the post on here. I am on my 2nd re read of DR. It helps, but at the same time it makes me want to get a highlighter pen and highlight great big passages I want H to read. Like the one about the divorce trap.