Here again after 9 years and struggling

[inpain]

Letter is a bad idea. I know you know this...but we are all tempted to become letter writers, and without fail they all are completely catastrophic. I challenge you to find ONE DBer that said something good came from a 'final appeal' letter.

I know you're right Zues126. I just read so much in DR that makes me think, "If only he read these words it would make him think." Plus I have so many unanswered thoughts and worries and questions and things I want to say. I'm just so stuck in wanting out of this situation and have my H love me again. This pain is unbearable.

Get back to believing none of what he says and half of what he does. I get it, I swear I'm not making fun of you. But to think that he actually left because you kicked him out? No. Look at how hard you're fighting for your M. He did more to push you away and you are standing by your M. My point is that nobody walks from a M because their spouse asks them to leave. The walk for one reason: THEY WANT TO. If he says it is about your request then it is because he wants you to feel guilty or hurt, or it is in some other way manipulative. It simply isn't true.

Zues126 thank you so much for this - the way you have written this really makes me see that I am a fool to think this way. You are so right. He has done so many things to me that would have made other people throw in the towel (and throw him out) and yet, as you say, I have always fought FOR the M and still am. Yes, I really need to see that he just doesn't want me or love me at all. I wish I knew how long for because I feel like everything I've known for years has been a lie.

Same with the tumble dry. Could've been habit, temp checking, or who knows what. Don't try to understand someone that is borderline crazy. In order to understand him you'd have to go crazy first and then you'd be no good to anyone.

Good point!

You don't deserve another chance. You deserve a lifelong commitment. And you don't ever deserve to be cheated on. Unfortunately in this world we don't always get what we deserve.

This actually made me cry because you're right, that is what we all deserve and I think when I look back H hasn't given me what I deserve for a long time yet somehow has managed to make me believe it is me and all my fault.

All I can say is that the first 90 days after BD are just obscenely difficult emotions. Please know they won't continue. It will get easier. Just keep posting, keep venting, and avoid doing anything to make your sitch worse. Survival is the new success.

I have to just keep holding on to that thought that it will get better. I can't see it right now but hearing from those of you who are further down the line helps me to know it must be true. Right now I'm in a deep, dark cave with no torch and no matches.