Quote: "I'm looking for love, she's giving me chores". I definitely do not nag, as I am not H's mother, taskmaster or parole officer. However, that means that I either do everything myself or silently seethe as things are left undone.
Which means that you aren't feeling loved. Same problem he's complaining of.
Quote: I understand that I need to be the one to change to get H to make a positive change in my direction.
You can control what you do better than you can control what he does, so you are in the driver's seat if you decide to start giving in ways he can appreciate.
But ... I do think there's a time and a place for gentle pressure, if you can do it without starting fights.
The latest in my own marriage: after I pushed for two years that we start working on sexuality, my wife finally sought a therapist, but she felt we weren't ready for couples counseling. I have had no idea what she was talking about in her sessions, and started trying to get a few hints. Turns out ... she's basically talking about things related to chores and not feeling affirmed, because this is what she feels as the real block to love in our relationship.
Deja vu. Every time I try to bring up sex, she wants to bring up chores. And if that's the way she experiences love, this is not all that surprising. And every time she brings up chores, I want to bring up sex. Stalemate. Each of us would like to have our issue be first.
We went to counselors who suggested we try quid-pro-quo. "I'll give you sex if you give me chores". An interesting form of prostitution, and if either of us failed on our side, the other had an excuse. This didn't work real well.
So yesterday, when we discused this, I said, "Look, I know you're frustrated about this, and I've not been good in this area. I don't want you to be frustrated. But I also don't want to put off my issues until after we've solved everything else in our marriage - we've been trying that for 18 years, and we never get around to my issues. Can't we work on both at the same time? We may not make progress on both at the same rate, but I really don't want either of us to be frustrated, and I think we both need to be giving."
And she actually said that she would read the Sex-Starved Marriage book and start looking for first steps. It's coming in the mail, probably while I'm still in Europe, so she'll see it before I will.
