Updated/still thinking about next steps

[JellyB]

I guess I can't let go of wanting to be married...wanting the right thing for my family. Is that what you mean?

Kyrie, I would never suggest to anyone that they let go of marraige that didn't place someone's life at risk. I am social worker who works with parents that abuse each other and their children. In 15 years of doing this work, I have seen some parents, husband and wives made radical change to get the families and partnerships they want, that are safe and loving.

It's so hard when I know there are little tiny glimmers of hope here & there.

Tonight I saw that he was looking at passive-agressive books on Amazon. At first I thought he'd "recommend" them to me - he accuses me of that but it fits him more! But then I realized maybe he was considering them for himself. Dunno.

Let him look and read and educate himself, if his motivation is to gain more understanding of you. Then let him be. He may well be looking for a means of diagnosing you for all you faults but that's not your business right now.


Save myself - I seriously have examined and repented of my many mistakes. I keep making many of them - usually when he assails me (emotionally).

Kyrie I am no judge of your need to repent, that is between you and your God. My description of saving yourself is the old adage of putting your own oxygen mask on first, before you assist a loved one.

I read back over your previous threads last night. My sense of your description is that you and H are caught in a high conflict communication cycle, with you both needing to be right about the other. Sounds like so much hurt and accusation and blame. And throw what also sounds like MLC on top. It reads like the two of your a mirroring back to each pain and hurt, pain and hurt Well it just sounds increadiably hard.

Someone, likely you Kyrie needs to get off this exhausting tredmill. It really does go no where and you sound lost and defeated. It also sounds from what you write that you feel responsible for fixing whatever is broken in the M and in H.

The thing is Kryrie you don't have that level of control or power. You only have the ability over you. That is what I meant saving yourself.

I read that you have a background in the Miltary. I make an assumption that you have a good understanding of self discipline and self control, that you know how to take plan and make it work to the advantage of you and your unit or team.


Likely what I am about to say is going to sound impossible. But Kyrie it likely needs to be done. Get that miltary game back on. It's time to get your heart out of the game and get yourself a strategy. DBing is the strategy.

H thinks your game playing, well potentially this is the case. Likely what he is seeing is you moving in and out of your Dbing and it confuses him.

Time to commit to a plan. And Kyrie the plan really doesn't involve much of H doing anything other than him being exactly who he is right NOW. The more you accept that H is going to keep turning up everyday looking and behaving exactly how he is the more you work your plan.

180, no R talk, GAL, see counsellor and work on you, build your self esteem and confidence, get yourself a spew jacket, and start emotionally separating yourself from H view of you and this M.


And thank you. I don't want to do the wrong thing.

and Kryie, there is no wrong on this journey, it just is. no more judgement sweet lady. Kindness to yourself makes this an easier road.

Please read Fo's threads, she is one of the bravest Dber's here. She has alot to contend with on many levels, she struggles but Fo keeps working her plan and she stands tall in the work she does and she has a spirit and zest for life which is simply amazing.

As Zues said, I am here for moral support. There are too many others here, who are so much better at offering real workable advice and stratgies, But I do make a great cheerleader.

Please post on other's threads, they will get to know you and you them. That is when the real change happens. The change that frees you from some of the pain and stuckness attached to your sitch. quote]