We all went out for breakfast this morning. I think next time H says I can come along too I am going to decline. This morning did nothing but upset me.
For the first 15 minutes or so H did this thing he has done since he left where every time he has to look in my direction while turning his head from one place to another to look at something (talk to one of our children the other side of me for example) he closes his eyes at the point where his eyes would meet mine. He does it every single time. Has anyone else noticed this in their WAS??? Anyway, so he did that for at least the first 15 minutes. S & D went off to the play area in the place where we were having breakfast at one point and then H did actually look at me and make conversation with me. He talked about his work and asked me if I'd mind putting his washing in our machine while he is at work (he keeps coming round to do his washing as there isn't a machine where he's living). I said I would (I know). Then he asked if I wanted a cheap tumble dryer to go in our shed. I said I didn't, I've never had one and my Mum has one she barely uses so I'm happier with drying on the line or radiators. He then said the strangest thing. He said his work clothes can be tumble dried. Why do I need a tumble drier to dry his work clothes if he's divorcing me?!?!?! Totally blew DBing because I was so stunned I calmly said, "Well, that is not much good to me unless you're thinking of coming home." He just pulled a 'yeah, good point' kind of face and then we talked about something else. Really want to analyse that comment as meaning he still might come home.
He is coming round to see the kids again in the morning as then he won't be able to see them until Sunday due to his shifts.
The impending New Year is making me feel sick to the stomach. I've invited my parents round for a meal and usually they then stay to see the new year in. I know I'm going to cry. I am just so devastated at how this year has gone and what is there to look forward to next year except more and more pain and being served with divorce papers. I really want to write H a letter. I know. I know it's not recommended. I just feel so lost, alone, hopeless and helpless and yes I want him to rethink what he's doing. He says it's too late because I asked him to leave but I gave him another chance twice when there was OW involved. Why is it too much to ask to be given a chance myself?
