Updated/still thinking about next steps

[Zues126]

Thanks for your open-ness and vulnerability Zues. He is also addicted to porn (which is what destroyed my first marriage) - he doesn't know that I know about it.
What you describe is spot on. He does think that way - what finally opened your eyes to things?
Your support means a lot - I want all the answers but I know it doesn't work that way. Knowing how things worked for you does help though. I want to understand it all but also know full well that probably doesn't ever happen - nor does it need to.

I hesitate to answer what "opened my eyes" for a few reasons. One, are my eyes really open? I've learned a lot, and I think I'd be a better partner. But I'm a work in progress, and I'm not sure I'm an example of an end product. Also, what woke me up to the need to change might not be the same thing as what drives your H. Some people change sooner. Some never do.

That all said, I have to say it was the loss of my marriage. My M was bad. We didn't speak for months at a time. We were both defeated. I just figured we'd work through it. When she asked for a D and kicked me out of the house it really shook my world. I felt like it was a terrible mistake because I know I'm a good guy and that it seemed like a major loss to incur over what I felt was a tragic misunderstanding. But it was too late, and now it's ancient history.

I also used porn throughout my M as well as the prior relationship. There are a lot of conflicting views on this. I just read on Trumpet's post some of them. Some find it as destructive as serial affairs. Others feel that since it doesn't involve any third parties either physically or emotionally it is as irrelevant as whether someone reads romance novels. I have my own opinions but don't feel like enough of a subject matter to offer any advice. I think the big question is whether you would leave your marriage if you knew he wouldn't stop, or if it something you can accept in your life. I'm just not sure that's easy for you to answer right now, because right now it would be too easy to add that to a list of reasons to get D when in reality you're just listening to your own pain. Decisions shouldn't be made in pain. Something to think about, but not act on.

Hang in and keep posting.