Hi Inpain, the following is some really unhealthy thinking:
Quote:
I listened to other people who told me they wouldn't stand for it and I should tell him to go if he didn't love me, and look where that got me. He left and never wants to come back. I feel so guilty that I have done this to my children, H gave me a chance to show him we could be different as he was undecided and instead of grabbing that chance and running with it I destroyed any chance we ever had. I will regret it forever.
On every level, this is the kind of thinking that gets you stuck.
1. He did this to you, you did nothing to him. Why in the world are you blaming yourself? What YOU did to your children??? HE is the one who is doing this. What "chance" did he give you? You are turning all this around as if you are the guilty party.
Hi Flight, thank you so much for posting and reading my post, I really appreciate all the help I can get.
I think like this as H said he did everything to avoid this happening. At the end of September when he first dropped the ILYBNILWY bomb he wanted to see if we could get on better so that he could decide whether to leave or stay. It sent me into a total melt down and I just wanted to R talk all the time and I was so on edge I was very snappy. After 4 weeks of him being on a course and basically doing nothing but eat and sleep when he got home we had a huge row where he told me again he didn't love me and I got upset and angry and told him to leave if he didn't love me. He did. That's why I blame myself. If I'd have DBd when he said ILYBNILWY I don't think he'd have left.
Originally Posted By: Flight
2. He is his own human being capable of making his own decisions. DB techniques aren't supposed to be manipulation. You have expectations of creating a certain outcome by manipuating your behavior and/or his. That doesn't work. No one has a crystal ball that can predict that if you just say or do the "right" thing, they will magically wake up and do what you want.
I am hoping that yes, you're right. I want to show him that we could make it work. Reading all these self help books makes me see how it could work if he gave it a little chance and I just don't know how a person can give up when it means losing your home and your kids and everything you've worked for for 19 years. I do see what you're saying about H being his own person capable of making his own mind up. Clearly he is a lot stronger than I am because I could never, ever do what he is doing.
Originally Posted By: Flight
I know some of this may just be the depression thinking coming out. I hope you don't really believe any of that paragraph. Hand in there.
I'm afraid I believe every word of it. Maybe H has manipulated me into thinking it is all my fault, I don't know, but I know it was me who told him to leave. If I hadn't said that maybe he'd still be here trying to figure things out. Which would be much easier to try to DB than this current situation.
