Still on the first chapter

[Enigma]

Been a long while since my last post. Been very busy and moving forward as best I can (looking back I'm not sure if I've kept myself too busy or not!).

Christmas was very enjoyable and had S2 for most of the time which was awesome. I notice I have not detached as much as I'd like to think I have. Still have a ways to go. Had two but very short interactions with WW in person since she left end of September. She came to pick up S2 a few days before Christmas then dropped him off Christmas Eve. While I was a little anxious waiting for her to pick him up, once I opened the door (she never came inside nor did I invite her.... she looked like she wanted to leave right away) I realized the anxiety disappeared and I felt strangely okay. I made sure to keep things light and breezy which helped and tried to stay positive and upbeat. All in all, interactions were okay as I survived. On the second interaction where she dropped off S2, she had given me some money she owed (I had asked her to drop it off). I thanked her and said good bye then went inside. I counted the money and noticed it was shorter from agreed. Decided was okay and ignored asking her further. About 20 minutes later she sent a text asking if I received the full amount saying S2 was playing in her purse and took it out and was all over the place. I replied and advised was a little short and she could put in sealed envelope with S2 bag when we do next exchange at preschool. She simply replied with "yeah that's fine". That was exactly a week ago and no communication since. This whole exchange just seemed strange to me, but obviously had a toll on my thoughts. Again, this proves I'm still attached.

I realize I still think about WW a lot. My mind wanders that way on a daily basis. I've had strange dreams about her and OM. But these thoughts don't appear to control me as they did in the first 3 months where I was lost. Also, I've noticed the anger has gone down over last few weeks. I just feel more at peace with myself overall. My original fear of being alone most of the time has largely subsided as I embrace that time when I have it. With my mind running constantly, I'm not sure if I have properly faced or dealt with my emotions properly. My IC said I was fine and I will probably set up a new appointment soon. At times I wonder if I'm not human as I should be dealing with stronger emotions over this S? But overall I feel fine.

Quickly back to Christmas... my mom came down to visit which was great. After S2 went to sleep I can honestly say that I've had the first authentically honest talk with her since I can ever remember. Many parts of the conversation were emotional with raw honesty on my part (I had a hard time in the past as just wanted to make everyone happy... especially my mom). And afterwards, felt good and I need to move forward with this. I learned so much of my mom and her life last week than I had in my previous 30+ years... incredible. I still need to work on my validating however. I can see DB'ing principles are across all relationships in life so they have a lifelong benefit if can practice and build consistently.

Now I will see WW New Year's eve again. Will keep things light and breezy as last couple interactions. I will get S2 for New Year's weekend. Have a Toy Story trilogy lined up, will make some new fun snacks for us, and toast with apple juice for a "pre" celebration as I doubt either of us will make it to midnight. WW will be going out to party with her friends (or so she told me). I still can't believe she chose her life.. she hated partying or drinking for as long as I've known her. Now complete opposite. Oh well.. she's living life the way she sees fit. For me, I will focus on my amazing S2 who is just so much fun.

Thanks for listening everyone!