Back on these forums again 5

[Mona52]

Mona,

Yes, you were spiteful with your contacts w/your runaway h. In fact, you think you may have hurt his feelings, but I would venture to say he got a chuckle out of it because you are reacting exactly the way he wants you to. He probably thinks that you are trying to make him jealous and that gives him a hoot. He actually beat you at your own game by providing answers to your questions....now, I did have a good chuckle over that.

You are justifying why he's not living under the same roof w/him and staying in contact w/you. Yes, you probably felt better for being spiteful, but you can turn this around and make him really think about what he's doing. How? By doing a 180 and acting differently.

Mona, you relieved some of the guilt off your h's shoulders by talking to him about being the ow and continuing the conversation about Chris, etc. In his mind this is great because he doesn't have to feel guilty for what he's doing over and over again.

As for him saying we could be friends, well....many, many of us hear that every day. It's their way of saying we can be civil and everything is good between us, etc. Being friends with them means something totally different than us being friends w/people. We don't treat friends the way they do. We don't lie, cheat and/or steal from our friends. So, when he says that just say "friends don't treat friends the way you have" and leave it at that.

If none of what he says or does matters to you, then why contact him and be spiteful? If it didn't matter to you, you would go on about your life and not do such things. I think that everything he says or does really hurts you and like a hurt child, you lash out. Mona, you have to learn how to make lemonade out of lemons.

If you are truly ready for the divorce, then let it happen. However, from where I'm sitting, I don't see that. I see a woman who still loves her h and is deeply hurt and disappointed in his behavior. Maybe I'm wrong, but that is what I see when I read your postings. You are trying to hard to convince yourself that you are okay w/what is happening, etc. You are running from one dance to another, from one party to another, looking for someone to make you feel better about yourself. Mona, people can make you feel good for a while, but until you look within yourself for your happiness, it's just a passing kibble to have others pay attention to us. When you truly feel good about the person that you are, you won't need all of these distractions to make you feel better. People will be able to tell that you are happy and content w/the woman that you are. It's okay to go out every once in a while and have a good time, but I do worry about you searching for a man so that you will feel better about yourself. Look within, Mona. Dig deep for patience and allow things to progress in their own time. You are still healing from what your h has done and you need to find Mona again and be comfortable w/being w/you before you can become comfortable in a new relationship, i.e., be it a close male friend or a serious relationship. I don't want to see you hurt or disappointed like you were w/Chris a day or so ago when you found out that he might have a girlfriend.

Mona, take some time and really look at yourself in the mirror. I see a woman who is a strong willed, self sufficient, independent woman. But this woman needs to learn to take out her anger in a productive way, i.e., the gym, walking, beating a pillow to death, etc., instead of taking out on someone else. Mona, your anger is getting in your way and it's causing you to be your own worse enemy. This is something that you can work on and trust me, anger takes a lot of energy and that energy could be put to good use on something fun for yourself.

I hope that you'll think about what I've posted and really look at the way you are interacting w/your h. His behavior is beyond moral, but you need to take the high road and show him that you are a classy lady who doesn't give a fig what he's doing. I only want the best for you.

Mona, you can do this! I know you can.

Thanks job. I understand what you are saying but I dont feel it is 100% accurate. Dont get me wrong, I love your advice. But I am have to disagree because not as attached to him as you make it sound. Most of each day for me is laughter and hard work. I am not sure I want to stand and wait for him any longer, but I am scared to make that decision yet because I do miss him. But I also cant help thinking I am only standing because I cant bear to be wrong. And if I give up, that is like admitting I have been very wrong for 20 years.

I am most definitely using the dances as a way to go out and have fun. That is one of my GAL activities and I love it. But I have many other activities that involve no men or partying, like my school, children, work, manuscripts and a bunch more.

I dont think I felt hurt when I thought Chris had a girlfriend. I am very thankful for my time with Chris.

I believe I have been looking deeply in the mirror lately and trying so hard to find and fix flaws. I am letting go of things I dont need to carry anymore and seeing what I am capable of for the first time.

Remember, I did sit around for 3 years looking just at myself and I found my independence. I refuse to stay lonely again. I am actively looking for someone I can talk to, day or night. Someone I can snuggle up to and watch a movie. Someone who can quietly read a book with me (different books of course) or take me to a noisy horse racing track. Someone who will both buy me a shot, and tuck me in.


I also dont think my words yesterday relieved any of his guilt. He was livid when he found out I knew her name. He accused me of hacking his computer and breaking into his house. I ignored his rant. I know him, and my words had the exact effect I was aiming for. I could tell because at first his texts said, "I hope you have nor slept with him yet because he is playing you." "I hope you have not slept with him because he may have a disease" and statements why I should not sleep with him. He progressed into texts saying "Well at least you have not slept with him yet." He talked himself into thinking I have not without a word from me on the subject. I was trying to show him that us being friends is ridiculous and never one did I expect him to feel jealous. He cant feel jealous, when he has had so many other women.

You are dead right about my anger. The way he gets to act and how I cant react is not fair. OMG I get angry and lash out at him. I need to try and stop. But i need to stop not to save my M, but because lashing out at him is useless. Everything with him is useless right now.

I do hear you when you say leave him alone. Dont criticize, dont raise to his bait. I agree. And I hear you when you say no other men, but there I dont agree. I am acting with my eyes wide open to the consequences and I am doing my best to make sure the people I interact with understand how much I am willing to give. And to be honest, if I had to choose right now between going out or saving my M, going out would win by a landslide. It has become the only place I feel free and happy. Why would I stop that for a jerk who cant stay faithful?