My wife's BIG revelation to me on Sunday was that she has always wanted to feel safe, and that she hasn't felt safe with me. There is no domestic violence, but lots of arguments. I asked her what being safe meant, but she didn't want to go farther... to her, she goes into a little panic attack when I walk in the door at night, for example.
I securities can cause women to not feel very safe. When my H decided to be self-employed, and then I saw him doing nothing......I was not feeling very secure b/c I knew we could lose our home, etc. security is a very big deal for women.
Women who have a H whose behavior with other women are too flirtatious, has one on one friendships with women, and things along those lines.....can cause women to feel insecure/unsafe.
IMHO, if there has been excessive arguing, that could be grounds for feeling insecure in the M. And let's be honest here, how many of us can get into a heated argument without raising our voices? A man shouting, cursing, yelling demands or threats, is intimidating for most females........especially if it's her H.
When you were talking about your job and going home in a bad mood, it made me think of a relative of mine. Sure, his job could become stressful (most jobs are, at times), and he would go home and take it out on his W. She lived in dread for when it was time for him to come home. I think what you said about people acting as if they have a right to treat you badly is key here. You need some way to release that resentment you have had to keep checked all day. Your family is looking at you (their protector and leader) who acts as if it's his right to lower the boom on them, b/c he had a bad day. You can't say what you'd like to say at work, so you go home and say it to her. My advice is to find something (like a punching bag) that you can let out all your anger before going home. Just a few minutes in the garage punching a boxer's type of heavy bag could really make a big difference in letting go of that pentup resentment.
I have been guilty of doing the same thing, so I get it. If we could just see how unlovely we appear during those moments, It may encourage us to not take it out on the ones we love (and want them to love us) the most.
1. Find a way to release pentup stress. 2. Invest yourself in a communication's class, read some books, or see someone who could teach you a better way of communicating. Not only does bad communication take its toll on a relationship........but it could be a problem in your job. 3. Find support and encouragement about you addiction from another source......and not your W. She is not emotionally or mentally prepared to help you overcome something, when she feels completely depleted herself. Although a couple should be able to support each other through love, it is just too unlikely if you are straddled the divorce line. If she holds out and doesn't file for a D, and if the M is reconciled, you will need a very good therapist to guide the two of you about all that has affected the M...........and about the porn. It is a source of pain for her, too. 4. Stop telling her you don't believe in divorce.
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She's mentioning to other people that she's probably going to have to church shop and find another one, as it's a conservative church, and adultery/divorce would be something the pastor would mention isn't good, and would feel that she's got a scarlet letter pinned to her chest every time she walks in the door.
It's better if she'll repent and seek forgiveness, instead of just going to another church and trying to keep her sins hidden. At any rate, you have to let her deal with it. As her H, you may instinctly want to protect her from any embarrassment or ridicule, however, getting her heart right is a job she'll have to do......and/or deal with the circumstances of her choices in life.
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When one is an adulterer, and one is the survivor, one is working REALLY hard to repair the damage they have caused, once they are no longer wayward.
Interesting, how you refer to her as an adulterer and yourself as the survivor. Let me ask you a few questions. Do you see your years of porn on the same level as her adultery? Is one worse than the other? If the church knew about your use of porn, would you feel as though you had a great big "P" branded on your chest?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
