A month ago, after three months of separation, my wife told me she would like to proceed with a dissolution. She wants out of her apartment (now she hates it) and would like to buy a house, but needs her equity in our house to proceed.
You need to talk to an attorney but don't tell her about it. Get the info you need so you can start preparing yourself for that possibility should it arise. An L can advise on things like not moving out of your house or doing things that indicate abandonment, etc. Protect yourself.
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One day she doesn't love me anymore. The next, she still does love me, but can't be married to me, though maybe one day we will find each other again. (She told me this within the last week.) That is pretty damn confusing to me and makes it very difficult to let go.
It's meaningless. She may be confused herself. She may be trying to justify things to herself. She may be soft-selling it to you so that you will go along with what she wants. Or all of the above, and more. The fact that she's all over the place should tell you you need to simply disregard it. She's confused. There may indeed be another man. Be prepared for anything. One saying around here: Believe nothing you hear and only have of what you see from her.
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I realize there is not much I can do to prevent her present course.
It's one thing to realize it. It's quite another to practice the consequences of that understanding. You can only control you. Focus on yourself and become the kind of H only a fool would leave. Worst case...you end up in the best place possible for yourself and your kids.
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So what else can I do but grant it?
You have no real choice in the matter. She can force it through the courts regardless of your wishes. It's not about you granting it. It's about you backing off and letting her do all the work (while you still talk to a L to find out what you need to do to protect yourself and your interests legally).
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I guess I consider it a gift of love to her. Otherwise, I am just invalidating her wishes and desires.
Why think of it in emotional and relationship terms at all? There is no magic phrase or perspective that will change her mind or make her happy with you. If she serves you with papers it has nothing to do with gifts of love or anything else. It has to do with you taking care of legal business and protecting yourself. She no longer is someone you can trust who has your best interests at heart. She is focused on hers.
If you have to say something, you might say something like, "I don't want a D or think it's the answer here but if that's what you choose I accept the consequences of that decision." And leave it at that.
The only thing to be done is for you to GAL and detach, release her to her choices and move forward in your own life with your kids in a way that's best for you without her. She likely won't choose to come back if you're pursuing her or she's entangled with you. You have to let her keep moving so that she gains some distance and perspective. Maybe she looks back at what she's leaving and decides she likes what she sees and changes her mind. Maybe she doesn't and continues with the D anyway. Letting her go helps release you from the pain of attachment to her. I know it hurts like hell right now. It will for a while, but it will get better if you don't obsess and dwell on it, if you focus on yourself. Not only by realizing things, but by putting into practice what actually works. I've been there, been going through it myself, so I understand. Unfortunately, there are no shortcuts here. But there is a healthy path through it.
You let go by focusing on yourself, doing things for you, doing things with and for your kids. Even if she changes her mind it will likely be weeks and still months even. You have to have a life in the meantime so that you're not just sitting around pining over her. It svcks, but it is what it is.
