WW is onboard with trying to save the M

[JGuy]

So, last night my W and I went out for dinner for our 8 year anniversary. For most of the night I held strong and didn't initiate any R talk. This left things rather blank and there was lots of awkward, sad silence. We both found ways to talk about other things.

I was having some sadness well up in me at one point. I contained it as to not create a scene, but this caused pain in my forehead. At one point, while she was talking, I rubbed my forehead while looking down, to sooth myself. To my surprise, she snapped at me angrily about how she hated it when I did that. She is almost never like this to me, and I was shocked. I felt really hurt, really alone, and I saw just how badly out of touch she is with me. I told her that I was just soothing some pain, but I wasn't ignoring what she was saying at all. I wanted her to keep talking, but she didn't. A few moments later, I couldn't hold back the tears and they came. It was just so sad to see how I was being so badly misunderstood, how badly we were missing each other. I didn't blame her, but just took care of my heart in that moment. She apologized. After I minute or two I came back from the sadness and started a different conversation.

Toward the end of the night, I slipped and went into some R talk that I thought might be helpful. I told her that I had thought about things, and realized that I must be putting too much emotional pressure on her. I asked her what she thought about the idea of just agreeing together not to decide anything for awhile, like say, 3 or 4 weeks. I would stop pressuring her, and we would both just hold a prayer in our hearts that would gain clarity and be guided to see what the best way forward is. After the 3 or 4 weeks we could check in and see where things are at.

She liked this idea, but she wasn't fully in. She told me that she has really been feeling like perhaps we need to admit that it's over. But that she is really scared, and not sure, afraid that she may be making a mistake. I told her that I too have been flipping back and forth, and I have my moments where I also feel like perhaps I need to admit that it may be best for us both to move on. But I too am uncertain. I reiterated that I think this may be exactly why it's a good idea for us to take space, sit with things for a few weeks, and agree not to decide anything. She persisted with her uncertainty and continued to hesitate to commit to this proposal.

During the drive home, we both felt like the writing was on the wall, that it's over. When we got home, she started to really freak out, crying uncontrollably and really beating herself up emotionally, blaming herself for everything, for ruining our marriage. She went to a really dark place where I could see that her self-hatred and fears were attacking her and getting the better of her. I supported her and reminded her that it's only her fears and they aren't real. That really, we are just learning some tough life lessons the hard way. I started to talk about how if we separate, how things could still be fine, that no matter what things will be OK and she shouldn't believe the drama and fears in her head. It was when I asked her to look me in the eyes that she really started to snap out of it. The next moment she was thanking me, we were hugging.

After that, what ensued was a very strange, 2 hour conversation into the wee hours of the morning, where we both stepped into the reality of facing that it really might be over. I found that I had a very strange courage, even excitement about it. I felt happy for the first time and saw how I really could accept if our M comes to an end. Strangely, I was much more OK about it that her. It felt like a huge shift, a huge weight was lifted off the M and we could finally just talk honestly like two friends, respectfully. I think that when I really let go and she saw how OK I really was with accepting whatever happens, it took the emotional pressure off her. At one point we were even laughing and joking about how funny it would be if suddenly we wanted to have "goodbye sex". The night was like being in a strange twilight zone. For the first time I can remember, she was the one who wanted to keep talking and I was the one who had to ask to end the conversation so I could get some sleep!

In the end, we ended up agreeing more or less to my original proposal, that we should take a few weeks to let things sit and just see how we both feel as we process things, work on ourselves, and gain clarity. She was in fact serious about being somewhat interested in the idea of having sex as an experiment which would either be a goodbye for old time's sake, or as a test to see what's there and what might be different when there are no longer strings attached, when we feel free and open like we now do in this strange twilight zone. However, she really wanted to take things slow and consider it as something to try over the next few weeks. I was obviously pretty excited about this idea, but reluctant to be pulled back in when I finally just started feeling empowered and free.

My intention is to use this opportunity to do my own 180 and really stop all R talk and pursuing. What a strange turn of events!