LBH w/ a WXW after the D - now what

[otw]

it is very weird. I do agree there!

[sandi2]

Christmas was great! The kids had a blast. The boys Dad came over again. We all hung out and had a really nice day. That night WXW said there were a bunch of movies she would like to see, asked if I wanted to go to the movies and then started naming all the movies she wanted to see. I didn't respond and ducked into the shower. Later that night we messed around again.

By "messed around", do you mean the two of you had sex, or just hung out around the house?

Her temp checking is very confusing

Why?

I'm not 100% against it but she will need to get help before I'll even consider it.

I don't know if she thinks we'll just start over and her A's and behavior will never be addressed.

Maybe she thinks you are giving off signals that you would go right along with the whole re-do, where she gets to play dating, engagement, wedding, etc...........without her doing any work. In other words, scratch this M off and get a re-do, and expect not to have the same problems again.

[gs9]

Hi Sandi,
Messed around = no actually sex but "took care of" each other physically.

the temp checking is confusing because she D'd me. She has made it very clear she doesn't want me. I think she just doesn't want anyone else to have me either. She's trying to cake eat.

Maybe she thinks you are giving off signals that you would go right along with the whole re-do, where she gets to play dating, engagement, wedding, etc...........without her doing any work. In other words, scratch this M off and get a re-do, and expect not to have the same problems again. smirk

I think you're right on target here. I'm not sure what to do. Do I tell her what I'd need to see in her in order to consider reconciliation or do I just keep moving along and let her figure it out? Do I wait for her to bring up R talk or do I bring it up? not sure the correct strategy at this time. I'm probably looking at another month before she moves out.

[sandi2]

You are absolutely correct. The WW may not want to stay in a MR with her LBH, but neither does she want him to replace her with another woman.

Do I tell her what I'd need to see in her in order to consider reconciliation or do I just keep moving along and let her figure it out? Do I wait for her to bring up R talk or do I bring it up? not sure the correct strategy at this time. I'm probably looking at another month before she moves out.

I have seen some LBH'S go into his long list of stipulations, without his WW even hinting that she was remotely interested. I think it is a big mistake, b/c he is essentially letting her know he will be available if she'll just meet his conditions. If she doesn't ask.........don't bring it up. Personally, I think he makes himself appear a little silly and desperately hoping it's not over. He does not need to express his conditions unless she sincerely asks.

From this point forward, I think you need to stay out of her way. Become the guy a woman would have to work hard to have. If she isn't served anymore cake in the bedroom, and you start spending a lot of time away from the house........she may become curious. When a man becomes hard for a woman to get, it is like saying sic'em to a dog.

[gs9]

thank you Sandi,
this is how I planned to play it. The bedroom cake eating was for my benefit too but I know if I completely cut it out she'll assume I'm getting my "cake" somewhere else. I also know the more I pull away from her the more she'll want me. I guess I don't look at this as being manipulative bc whether she fully returns or not my actions today are about me moving on. I'm not holding onto hope that she'll return because I don't want the woman she is today anyway. I'd rather start over with someone new then jump back into the M I had.

Thank you for all you do here. You are a great confidence builder.

[sandi2]

Ah, thank you.

[gs9]

WXW returned home last night about 8:30 a little tipsy. It's been almost a month since she has stayed out all night. I document daily who D4 sleeps with and if there are extenuating circumstances such as WXW not home and I'm not home. I'll continuing documenting this once she moves out in case she ever tries to get more child support.

As far as not staying out all night. This is a different trend for her. Either her boyfriends have dumped her or she really is trying to be a better person. Only time will tell.

[tl2]

gs,

Since you agree that you should have followed through with what you told your D, what if you had simply told your XW, "You're right. That was wrong of me and I will apologize to her and make it up to her"? And left it at that without getting into a back and forth about it?

As far as staying out all night...when you do that, even if she is not your W any longer, she is still there with the kids, so you are putting her in a position where she is the sole caretaker without discussing it and agreeing in advance.

Don't think of it as answering to her. Think of it as independently taking responsibility for the kids.

I certainly don't know everything but with all of the ups and downs, one minute you're engaging in physical intimacy but without a clear agreement or commitment. I can't see how that helps either of you or the kiddos.

[gs9]

Hi tl2
Thank you for stopping in again.
I did tell her I agreed with what she said about not following through with D4
The back and forth was cordial. I asked her to hold herself to the same standard, she said she has never not followed through, I described 2 circumstances when she didn't follow through, she became defensive and I dropped it.

We do have a child custody agreement filed with the courts and our D is finalized. We have 50/50 split with very specific days and times we are responsible for D4. I stayed away on a night that was her responsibility. She pushed for this D so on nights that are her responsibility I'm allowing her to put on her big girl panties and care for the kids. When it is my turn I take full responsibility and do not ask or expect her to help.

WXW is still living in the house but we are living as D'd because we are. I do not plan to help her. This is her circus and her monkey's. She wanted this and now she gets to live with the consequences of her adult decisions. I will not help her move out. I will not give her extra money or things. I will not be her friend at this time.

The intimacy was strictly physical for me. She is obviously upset by it. I will cut it out.

I am moving on with my life. I am still leaving the door open and will not jump into another serious relationship. I know God is working on her and I'm not going to get in His way. He may call me to reconcile with her and if He does I will. Expectantly waiting on God and staying out of His way

[gs9]

And the WTF continues......

I was out late last night. WXW's turn with D4.
This morning as I was getting ready to go to work she stepped in the office and said with a harsh tone "So what's going on when you're out late or don't come home? Do you have a girlfriend?" I said "no". She said " do you have a woman you're staying with?". I again said "no" She said " well why would you stay at a guy friends house? That doesn't make any sense". I quickly got ready for work and left.......

I don't even need to ask WTF is going on. She has not been staying out with OM and has already stated she wants to do couples counseling. I guess she is trying to live the fantasy where I jump back into her arms and we just move forward. As if the D being finalized just wipes clean everything she has done. IDK.....I'm just going to keep being mysterious and awesome