Yeah, I think the more grounded I have become over the past several years ... most of this change for me admittedly has happened over the past 2 years, its been easier to see things and their effects as I am not so emotionally tied up in it all. In retrospect there is a large bucket of 'Shoulda-Woulda-Coula' but it has been said that true change can not happen without true suffering and I have come to believe this to be true.
W over the past few months has seemed desperate in finding solutions, being of the holistic approach things seem to take longer but in the long run I do think its a healthier approach ... however this forces me to put on those Patience-Pants that are like Crusty Corduroy's that are a bit to tight for my taste. The other night we were talking about this, she shared she really wants to get her hormones leveled out and find 'balance' ... not just 'that time of the month' (which historically has been legendary type stuff) ... but more on a day to day week to week basis. I STFU and listened to her almost sort things out verbally and she hit on it a touch, when she jumped off the traditional medical approach and started the holistic along with the very strict diet she changed. I have often referred to it like someone on drugs quitting cold turkey and going through withdrawals ... hindsight MLC was already warming up and this was a nice nudge tossing her deep in the tunnel. She told me that "It was coming soon, and just hang in there with her" ... I joked and told her I know, I have been tracking Hurricane-PMS for years and according to the chart it was about 3-4 days out. Well .... the Hurricane hit land Monday night ... just a level 1-2. I have noticed its something small ... in this case was some clutter in S's room, then she will completely snap over dishes, laundry, any mess and out come Monster. I simply toss on the spew jacket and inform her she is free to discuss things out with me but I am not going to be mistreated. Last night she came home and I could tell just by the color in her face she was 'off' so I continued helping S with his lego set the Dog destroyed (Old blind lab tends to walk on these things often when left on the floor) ... W brought up some topic about work and the fact that I was listening but still helping S set her off, as she did not have my undivided attention she started spinning, this lead to her bringing up some R talk, same thing from a few weeks ago telling me her feelings have not changed (alluding to no spark/romance) and that she knows I am not happy in a sexless marriage, that I throw it in her face ... I truth darted and pointed out that since I realized bringing up the past had me stuck I have not gone there ... I did this very calmly and told her under the circumstances I did not feel an R talk was a good idea, I apologized for a flirty comment I had made that morning (she spewed about this) and told her I meant no harm was just playfully having fun and was sorry it obviously offended her. I then excused myself and left the bedroom. After seems S was the next target as he was forced into folding clothes (This was a new one ... he has never folded clothes) I was not there but evidently W told S that if he was living under her roof he would have to live under her rules ..... then she told him if he failed to do so ... No Santa and No Birthdays. Well ... obviously this will upset an 8 year old and somewhere deep inside her she realized she crossed the line and tried to talk it out with S who was having none of it. He came out with me ... I did not pry, he cuddled up and wanted me to just hold him and we watched 'our' show together. After I walked the dog and came back in, got S ready for bed, W was asleep sitting up in the bed, I quietly grabbed the pillows and put S down and slept on the couch. This morning as I came back in from the morning dog walk and replaced the pillows on the bed, I thought W was still asleep ... she said "Good Morning", I laughed to myself as its like petting a rattlesnake sometimes .... I replied "Morning" then she asked if I was not talking to her, I asked if she wanted to talk realizing her tone was soft and more normal ... she then apologized as she confessed she can not help it, the hormones take over and she feels helpless. I brushed it off and lightened the mood ... talked to her about S's art project (He did a collage and named it "Butt-Itches" ... was a gorilla with a blonde wig .. pretty funny. I got ready as normal and went on about my day.
I think the old Cali would have easily been sucked into the Spew-Fest. I was happy staying calm and not getting worked up. I am at points really concerned about how nasty she can get, about how this effects S, I hope/pray she can see the damage she does with him but I know she can not see through the fog as clearly during these times as I would like. She is working through things still, I pray for enough strength, patience and wisdom to navigate myself through feeling at times I may have to let her go for good and allow her to be alone and figure out what she really wants/needs ... at times I feel like I am enabling her. At times I am torn between thinking I am strong by standing firm, or possible weak by not saying enough is enough and leaving her ... I am sure many people .. not the ones here .. just people looking in would all tell me I am better off without her, I am not sure but I just feel I am supposed to continue this as I have, hard to explain it which makes me ponder if I am in fact nuts for sticking this out for so long.
