Here's a thread on detachment. This may help you begin detaching a bit more from your h and the situation. It will also help you in your day-to-day life as well.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
We should all pause today and recognize we made it through Christmas. It is such a tough day and we made it to the other side. New Years will be a little hard. Everyone will wish they could wish their S a happy new year. DONT DO IT! No it is not OK. No your sitch is not "different" so it is ok for you. If you say Happy new year and they cant return your enthusiasm, you will push them further away and add months to your waiting.
Me: 42 H: 45 M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs D: 17 D: 15 S: 12 I kicked him out 8/21/15 I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
I'm going to suggest that you go to that thread and re-read it. It has a lot of identifiers that match up w/what's going on w/you and your interactions w/your h.
Not trying to bring you down, but the new year is around the corner and I want to see you be your own success story. Do not allow the behavior of others dictate how you will feel mentally and emotionally.
BTW, you might want to read the thread by LoisB over in the MLC Forum. She's struggled a lot w/a husband that walked out and left her w/two daughters to raise, etc.
Yes, you were spiteful with your contacts w/your runaway h. In fact, you think you may have hurt his feelings, but I would venture to say he got a chuckle out of it because you are reacting exactly the way he wants you to. He probably thinks that you are trying to make him jealous and that gives him a hoot. He actually beat you at your own game by providing answers to your questions....now, I did have a good chuckle over that.
You are justifying why he's not living under the same roof w/him and staying in contact w/you. Yes, you probably felt better for being spiteful, but you can turn this around and make him really think about what he's doing. How? By doing a 180 and acting differently.
Mona, you relieved some of the guilt off your h's shoulders by talking to him about being the ow and continuing the conversation about Chris, etc. In his mind this is great because he doesn't have to feel guilty for what he's doing over and over again.
As for him saying we could be friends, well....many, many of us hear that every day. It's their way of saying we can be civil and everything is good between us, etc. Being friends with them means something totally different than us being friends w/people. We don't treat friends the way they do. We don't lie, cheat and/or steal from our friends. So, when he says that just say "friends don't treat friends the way you have" and leave it at that.
If none of what he says or does matters to you, then why contact him and be spiteful? If it didn't matter to you, you would go on about your life and not do such things. I think that everything he says or does really hurts you and like a hurt child, you lash out. Mona, you have to learn how to make lemonade out of lemons.
If you are truly ready for the divorce, then let it happen. However, from where I'm sitting, I don't see that. I see a woman who still loves her h and is deeply hurt and disappointed in his behavior. Maybe I'm wrong, but that is what I see when I read your postings. You are trying to hard to convince yourself that you are okay w/what is happening, etc. You are running from one dance to another, from one party to another, looking for someone to make you feel better about yourself. Mona, people can make you feel good for a while, but until you look within yourself for your happiness, it's just a passing kibble to have others pay attention to us. When you truly feel good about the person that you are, you won't need all of these distractions to make you feel better. People will be able to tell that you are happy and content w/the woman that you are. It's okay to go out every once in a while and have a good time, but I do worry about you searching for a man so that you will feel better about yourself. Look within, Mona. Dig deep for patience and allow things to progress in their own time. You are still healing from what your h has done and you need to find Mona again and be comfortable w/being w/you before you can become comfortable in a new relationship, i.e., be it a close male friend or a serious relationship. I don't want to see you hurt or disappointed like you were w/Chris a day or so ago when you found out that he might have a girlfriend.
Mona, take some time and really look at yourself in the mirror. I see a woman who is a strong willed, self sufficient, independent woman. But this woman needs to learn to take out her anger in a productive way, i.e., the gym, walking, beating a pillow to death, etc., instead of taking out on someone else. Mona, your anger is getting in your way and it's causing you to be your own worse enemy. This is something that you can work on and trust me, anger takes a lot of energy and that energy could be put to good use on something fun for yourself.
I hope that you'll think about what I've posted and really look at the way you are interacting w/your h. His behavior is beyond moral, but you need to take the high road and show him that you are a classy lady who doesn't give a fig what he's doing. I only want the best for you.
Mona, you can do this! I know you can.
Thanks job. I understand what you are saying but I dont feel it is 100% accurate. Dont get me wrong, I love your advice. But I am have to disagree because not as attached to him as you make it sound. Most of each day for me is laughter and hard work. I am not sure I want to stand and wait for him any longer, but I am scared to make that decision yet because I do miss him. But I also cant help thinking I am only standing because I cant bear to be wrong. And if I give up, that is like admitting I have been very wrong for 20 years.
I am most definitely using the dances as a way to go out and have fun. That is one of my GAL activities and I love it. But I have many other activities that involve no men or partying, like my school, children, work, manuscripts and a bunch more.
I dont think I felt hurt when I thought Chris had a girlfriend. I am very thankful for my time with Chris.
I believe I have been looking deeply in the mirror lately and trying so hard to find and fix flaws. I am letting go of things I dont need to carry anymore and seeing what I am capable of for the first time.
Remember, I did sit around for 3 years looking just at myself and I found my independence. I refuse to stay lonely again. I am actively looking for someone I can talk to, day or night. Someone I can snuggle up to and watch a movie. Someone who can quietly read a book with me (different books of course) or take me to a noisy horse racing track. Someone who will both buy me a shot, and tuck me in.
I also dont think my words yesterday relieved any of his guilt. He was livid when he found out I knew her name. He accused me of hacking his computer and breaking into his house. I ignored his rant. I know him, and my words had the exact effect I was aiming for. I could tell because at first his texts said, "I hope you have nor slept with him yet because he is playing you." "I hope you have not slept with him because he may have a disease" and statements why I should not sleep with him. He progressed into texts saying "Well at least you have not slept with him yet." He talked himself into thinking I have not without a word from me on the subject. I was trying to show him that us being friends is ridiculous and never one did I expect him to feel jealous. He cant feel jealous, when he has had so many other women.
You are dead right about my anger. The way he gets to act and how I cant react is not fair. OMG I get angry and lash out at him. I need to try and stop. But i need to stop not to save my M, but because lashing out at him is useless. Everything with him is useless right now.
I do hear you when you say leave him alone. Dont criticize, dont raise to his bait. I agree. And I hear you when you say no other men, but there I dont agree. I am acting with my eyes wide open to the consequences and I am doing my best to make sure the people I interact with understand how much I am willing to give. And to be honest, if I had to choose right now between going out or saving my M, going out would win by a landslide. It has become the only place I feel free and happy. Why would I stop that for a jerk who cant stay faithful?
Me: 42 H: 45 M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs D: 17 D: 15 S: 12 I kicked him out 8/21/15 I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
Mona, If you aren't sure you are ready to toss in the towel, then sit quietly and do nothing. The answers will come. However, there is no need to poke the bear, especially when you are angry yourself. Take the high road as often as you can. Don't lower yourself to his level any more than you need to.
I don't think you've been wrong about the man you married for 20 years, but people change, especially when they are having affairs. He's changed into someone you hardly know right now and that person is not someone you want to be around unless it's dealing w/your children's activities.
I'm worried about you and I sense the hurt and disappointment in your postings. Mona, you've come a long way since you posted a few years back. try not to go backwards, but forwards. You are a beautiful woman who has a heart of gold and want to share it w/someone worthy of your love.
Right now, lashing out, trying to have discussions w/him are fruitless. Why? Because he's tuning you out more often than not. He figures he's separated from you and doesn't have to listen to you venting or just speaking. I'm going to suggest that you try something different. Instead of lashing out at him,try speaking to him in a very calm, concise manner. Keep the conversation short and sweet. The shorter you keep it, the better he'll comprehend what you are saying.
Also, one last word of caution, if you do end up w/someone and you have relations w/that person, be sure you are protected. You just never know in today's society what is being passed around and I would hate to see anyone receive the gift that keeps on giving. (I know you already know this...but I always try to remind posters.)
So powerful Mona :-). You are a great woman and you have your head well screwed on (sorry if that sounds not right). I admire you and I have the same feeling as you.
Now if someone was asking you to date him and start something serious, what would you say? Would you think about going back with your h?
Mona, I've got a question for you. You posted on my thread about being angry like my wife. If you were really angry at your husband but you noticed him trying repair the relationship, how long could you stay mad? At this point I'm hoping you say a long time. I know your not my wife but how long until you thought about lowering your shield just a bit. Do you think if you were no longer in love with him and he really was really trying, would you throw him away?
I want the truth please, what ever you feel,thanks
Hi Mona, gosh things have been eventful in your sitch recently! I'm glad to see that you have Job's wise counsel on your thread. She has been around on the forum for a good while and has seen how things play out in many sitches.
I would also encourage you to slow down a little here. From what you post, you are still working through your understandable pain and anger about what has happened with your H. You became involved with Chris and briefly became an OW. I'm glad he told you at an early stage and you can extricate yourself from that situation. But I think that came about because you are wounded and hurting and seeking positive affirmation from other guys. I would encourage you to google relationships and entanglements as I think what you are doing is getting entangled with others as a way of dealing with your pain.
I think a healthier path for now is one that doesn't involve OP - a path where you enjoy female friendships and other nourishing activities while you process your sitch and heal. I also agree that leaving your H to his own devices is probably a good idea just now. It doesn't sound as though either of your are in a place where much contact is going to be of benefit to you. Maybe just stick to essentials for now...
I hope you have a good new year and you can take the time to reassess and work out how you can emerge from the coming year in a healthy and happy place.
Take care my friend xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
