My wife's BIG revelation to me on Sunday was that she has always wanted to feel safe, and that she hasn't felt safe with me. There is no domestic violence, but lots of arguments. I asked her what being safe meant, but she didn't want to go farther
Believe nothing you hear and half of what you see.
Like the rest of us, your W likely has plenty of adolescent-level ideas about relationships that she still buys into, consciously or not. We all see what we want to see. If she were with someone else, that person could likely do something you do that she would accuse you of making her not feel safe, yet if that other person did it she would either ignore it or not even notice it. You can't separate the baggage from the internal mind games and justifications and whatever really is going on with her because you're not in her head.
Just drop the rope and focus on you. It's all you can really control anyway.
