Back on these forums again 5

[PigPen]

I'm just going to second Job here Mona, that post nailed it.

You've got this. Slow and steady. Rome wasn't built in a day and Mona won't be rebuilt in that time either.

Chris may only have come into the picture to put a little spark in your PJ's. To let you know you've still got it. Be grateful for the opportunity to look in the mirror and say, "Oh yea, you still got it baby" to yourself. And then own that.

You've got nothing but time Mona. Your H is going to have to sleep the bed he's made for himself. You don't.

PP

[Mona52]

Mona,
So, now you know that the ow is in the picture...don't tip your hand on what you know. See, he was crying poor me about not getting the children gifts and yet...he was purchasing them for the ow. You've been given a view into what he's doing, so stop feeling sorry for him. He's a chump and chumps lie like sin. I wouldn't believe a thing he says and you need to realize that if his lips are moving, he's lying. You can "make/force" him to tell you the truth nor what he's doing w/his life. You can't control him, but you can control what you say and do. From this day forward, do not tell him anything that you know as to what he's doing, etc.

As for your male friend having a girl friend, well, it's his loss. Now about learning or re-learning things, get some books or do some research on line to know what's going happening in today's society that might fit the bill of what you need to know.

As for contacting him...DON'T. If you get angry, come here. If you are having a pity pot party, come here...but do not text or call him just to let off steam.

Everything will fall into place for you if you don't rush the process. Take each day as it comes and enjoy it. Tomorrow is another day and it will come soon enough...

I was certain of OW for a while. I'm OK with it. I dont even get angry anymore. Yes, I am angry about no gifts, but I got my children a ton, so it is all good.

About not contacting him... well, I guess I still need to work on that. I will post an update on what i did to the poor guy today.

[job]

Mona,
Leave the man alone! You are separated! Keep the focus on you and your children. The only reason you need to contact him is if it is an emergency or something wrong w/the kids. You need to start thinking about a back up plan when you need to have someone help you out.

Keep the focus on YOU and leave him alone!

[Mona52]

hey mona, keep those outfits and wear them like you mean it.
I can tell you something that you may not believe...when a woman wears something that accentuates a given body part, it is SEXY.

Men don't have to be an a$$ man to like an out fit that shows off her butt, or legs, shoulders, neck...boobs, whatever.

Sexy is about your attitude, the way you carry yourself, not showing inhibition or insecurity. The dress / outfit is merely a tool.

hell, wear one of those outfits at your next singles outing where butt-head shows up to give him a glance at what he is missing

Heck yes I will be wearing these outfits to the singles dance and heck yeah I will rub it in a little. See, when he called me yesterday he kept saying things like "I cant believe how understanding you are, most women would be very upset right now." I did not get mad at him in the slightest for his poor behavior. Because at the beginning I said no strings. I meant it. The funny part is the less I got mad, the more he apologized and kept saying what a jerk he was to do that, LOL

I am very very thankful for him. He got me over a huge hurdle. Obviously I cant say more, but I can look in a mirror and feel like Miss America now. And now that I think it, the men think it too. At these singles dances there is a part called the Paul Jones whatever. The guys make a circle in the middle and the girls on the outside. the play part of a fast song and we all move in a circle in the opposite directions, the music stops and the guys grab the nearest girl.

Then they play part of a slow song to dance to. Last dance, the guys would like rush to me. More than one said "I cant believe I got to you first!" Now, they could be saying that to all the girls. But I dont care. It feels good and makes me laugh and smile even more. The more I laugh and smile, the more guys come closer. The one guy even tried to cut in on another and I had to say I was already dancing, sorry.

That has been my biggest lesson. Laugh and smile. I get more compliments on my smile and my eyes than any outfit. My belly, which is the part I hate, is not even an issue when I laugh and smile.

[Mona52]

I'm just going to second Job here Mona, that post nailed it.

You've got this. Slow and steady. Rome wasn't built in a day and Mona won't be rebuilt in that time either.

Chris may only have come into the picture to put a little spark in your PJ's. To let you know you've still got it. Be grateful for the opportunity to look in the mirror and say, "Oh yea, you still got it baby" to yourself. And then own that.

You've got nothing but time Mona. Your H is going to have to sleep the bed he's made for himself. You don't.

PP

That is exactly what Chris did. I am so excited about what comes next. I have no idea what that might be yet, but I am so excited for it.

I still cannot help missing him and wishing he could be a part of it, but my missing him only takes up a small portion of my day.

[Mona52]

Mona,
Leave the man alone! You are separated! Keep the focus on you and your children. The only reason you need to contact him is if it is an emergency or something wrong w/the kids. You need to start thinking about a back up plan when you need to have someone help you out.

Keep the focus on YOU and leave him alone!

OK, Not fair.... Just so you know, what I did today I did before your last 2 posts, so it does not mean I am not listening to you. I hardly ever contact him, I focus on me and my fun.

But today I contacted the heck out of him.

I did something so cruel, and it was cruel because I did it completely out of spite. He texted me again saying we could be friends. What a fairyland he lives in to think that. But okay, if the jerk thinks he can be my friend, fine, he can prove it.

I asked him his advice on a few of my men issues.

I really hit him below the belt. And I dont feel the tiniest bit bad. But I asked him question after question on what Chris might be thinking, and if I have become the OW.

The funny part is his answers. I simply started our friendship conversation off with, "I think I might be the other woman and I dont know what to do?"

OMG, he had answers instantly ready. "Is there certain times when you are not allowed to text?" " Are you allowed to drop by whenever you want?" "Are their pictures in his house with him and anyone else?"

Before I had a chance to tell him any details at all, he had these questions ready. Yes, he is the master at what being the OW means.

But I pushed his friendship to the limit with my questions. Each one designed to hurt him a tiny bit.

But none of that matters. How he feels about me, or what he says to me doesn't matter to me right now. When he speaks to me, I no longer replay his words in my head over and over and over again wondering what he meant. I dont care if his phone gets shut off. I dont care if he has dinner tonight. I couldnt care less if he is online with OW all night.

His actions do not control me or affect me. MOST of the time. I am more worried about which heels I will wear on new years than how my words today affected him.

I feel kinda like a 2 year old. Ya know how a mom takes a two year old out to the park and he is shy. He hides behind his mother's legs and peeks at the other kids playing. That was me at the beginning. I firmly wanted only H back. I peeked at life without him and was so freaking scared. So I hid behind DBing.

Then the noise of the kids playing lured me out a tiny bit, that was when I went out for the first time. But I ran right back to contacting H after that, scared to let go and hide more behind DBing.

Now I can leave the security of hiding behind mom's legs (DBing) and really go and play with the other kids. But every once in a while I still run back to see if that safety is still there. I dont want to hide behind it anymore, but I dont want the option gone from me.

Everyday I get bolder about life without mom. I am confident soon I can drop the rope. I think I have already come a long way in focusing on myself. I know I have so much further to go, and I am okay with that.

[Rouky]

Such an inspiring post Mona. You are doing so well :-)

[Di-mond]

Wow Mona, you have had a few eventful days.

Now you know, now you move forward without your H.

You already do pretty much everything for your kids. Don't count or rely on him for any help with them. I know it [censored] and sometimes I still have glimmers of anger at my kids father for totally walking away from them almost 8 years ago. I made mistakes, but I tried. My kids have issues, but then what kids don't. They are good. They love me and they know I love them. You do the best you can for them and one of those things is being happy yourself.

You are a fantastic mother and inspiring woman.

[mutatio]

I like you Mona, you are authentic

[job]

Mona,

Yes, you were spiteful with your contacts w/your runaway h. In fact, you think you may have hurt his feelings, but I would venture to say he got a chuckle out of it because you are reacting exactly the way he wants you to. He probably thinks that you are trying to make him jealous and that gives him a hoot. He actually beat you at your own game by providing answers to your questions....now, I did have a good chuckle over that.

You are justifying why he's not living under the same roof w/him and staying in contact w/you. Yes, you probably felt better for being spiteful, but you can turn this around and make him really think about what he's doing. How? By doing a 180 and acting differently.

Mona, you relieved some of the guilt off your h's shoulders by talking to him about being the ow and continuing the conversation about Chris, etc. In his mind this is great because he doesn't have to feel guilty for what he's doing over and over again.

As for him saying we could be friends, well....many, many of us hear that every day. It's their way of saying we can be civil and everything is good between us, etc. Being friends with them means something totally different than us being friends w/people. We don't treat friends the way they do. We don't lie, cheat and/or steal from our friends. So, when he says that just say "friends don't treat friends the way you have" and leave it at that.

If none of what he says or does matters to you, then why contact him and be spiteful? If it didn't matter to you, you would go on about your life and not do such things. I think that everything he says or does really hurts you and like a hurt child, you lash out. Mona, you have to learn how to make lemonade out of lemons.

If you are truly ready for the divorce, then let it happen. However, from where I'm sitting, I don't see that. I see a woman who still loves her h and is deeply hurt and disappointed in his behavior. Maybe I'm wrong, but that is what I see when I read your postings. You are trying to hard to convince yourself that you are okay w/what is happening, etc. You are running from one dance to another, from one party to another, looking for someone to make you feel better about yourself. Mona, people can make you feel good for a while, but until you look within yourself for your happiness, it's just a passing kibble to have others pay attention to us. When you truly feel good about the person that you are, you won't need all of these distractions to make you feel better. People will be able to tell that you are happy and content w/the woman that you are. It's okay to go out every once in a while and have a good time, but I do worry about you searching for a man so that you will feel better about yourself. Look within, Mona. Dig deep for patience and allow things to progress in their own time. You are still healing from what your h has done and you need to find Mona again and be comfortable w/being w/you before you can become comfortable in a new relationship, i.e., be it a close male friend or a serious relationship. I don't want to see you hurt or disappointed like you were w/Chris a day or so ago when you found out that he might have a girlfriend.

Mona, take some time and really look at yourself in the mirror. I see a woman who is a strong willed, self sufficient, independent woman. But this woman needs to learn to take out her anger in a productive way, i.e., the gym, walking, beating a pillow to death, etc., instead of taking out on someone else. Mona, your anger is getting in your way and it's causing you to be your own worse enemy. This is something that you can work on and trust me, anger takes a lot of energy and that energy could be put to good use on something fun for yourself.

I hope that you'll think about what I've posted and really look at the way you are interacting w/your h. His behavior is beyond moral, but you need to take the high road and show him that you are a classy lady who doesn't give a fig what he's doing. I only want the best for you.

Mona, you can do this! I know you can.