After BD, I found that there was nothing I could do to make W happy. And believe me, I tried everything. By doing that it actually led her to lose respect.
Anyway, the thought that occurred to me this morning is: The reason I couldn't do anything to make her happy, is that I was not the problem. Yes, I screwed things up during our M like everyone else on Earth. But, I was not the one who quit trying. She needs to find happiness in herself, before she will ever be happy with anyone, me or not.
Random thought 2. For the last 2 years at least, I was, at best, the 5th most important person in W life. Often times farther down the line than that. 3 young boys require a lot of attention. So I fell behind them, and at least one would be in our bed so I wouldn't have any time alone with W. Not referring to sex there. Then she would put any friends ahead of us too. So, really we didn't stand a chance once that was put into play. She will never have a good R, unless that changes.
Just more reflecting. Trying to process, and work through this junk.
Back to life now...
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
I had the same thoughts before about my M, dday. I went back and forth from trying to make her happy and being a POS because it made no differance. I regularly felt like I was never a priority for her. They are broken and need to fix themselves, just as we were. They can't make themselves happy so they look elsewhere and it never comes. Deeper thought is that they can't make themselves happy because they don't love themselves and you can't love anyone else until you love yourself first.
It's sad but nothing we can do about it. It shows that right now we're better off going down this path and hopefully something jumps start their desire to change like BD did for us.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
You get your boys today! Enjoy each and every minute with them. Could your new family ritual for you and the boys be to do News Years Eve together each year?
I must admit that the X pretty much went down the priority list after the birth of kid. I wouldn't be surprised that he felt that I loved the dog more than I did him? :p.
Seriously, not really. Not most of the time.
But lesson learnt. Spouse is priority, though kid's needs must be taken into consideration as well.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Oh, the things I have learned in spending time reflecting!
I would say the ONE THING, the most important I've learned was that I have to happy in my own skin, first. And that's not something I've been for a very long time.
I miss H. I will probably always miss H - but this time? It's been so very necessary. I lost "me" a long time ago, and finding myself again has been hard! I'd say I'm about 50% of the way to where I want to be. I wouldn't have this time to reflect, ponder, and grow if it hadn't been for the awful disruption to my life. H actually takes up a lot of my time. Now that I have freedom to just, be...I'm really changing, in a lot of good ways! I know what I did wrong in the M - but the most critical and harmful of all those things was the loss of myself.
I can never let that happen again. I have to be happy in my own skin. I plan to be. Everything else until then, is just a distraction. I'm not happy about the breakdown of my family, at all. But I can get past it, and thrive. That is my plan. My wonderful DB family will be here to see I get it done, right? LOL
You are correct, D. This is all about her. The problem is with her - and the answer will have to come from her. In the meantime, you deserve wonderful things. Every experience you have will just make you grow and learn. Treasure your time with those boys - it just all goes by so quickly!
There are so many great things about you, D. I'm so happy to learn that you're starting to see them. Your quest has led you to a very good place. You're a great example for those precious boys...and in the end? That matters.
I would say the ONE THING, the most important I've learned was that I have to happy in my own skin, first. And that's not something I've been for a very long time.
Agreed.
Your spouse's job is to enhance your happiness. Not be the cause of it.
Today's stop on the wheel of emotion is anger. I wish that we had to go through this cycle a set number of times and I could say "hey guys, I'm on lap 27! Nearly there!". But I know that it's not like that.
I'm just a bit frustrated. The fact that W suddenly decided this is best. Ok, I've said it and now I can try and move on. Kids told me that W is planning a bday party for s4 and s8, and it's next weekend and i havent been invited. Long story, but there is a travel ball tourney and everyone is staying there, except my broke ass.
Yesterday, I picked up the boys. My pma still needs work. But I felt nothing. Didn't feel the urge to talk. Didn't want a hug. Just wanted to get the boys in the car and leave. I realized it much later. I guess that's progress. Right? I just have nothing to say right now to her.
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
