Looking forward to the new year

[Zues126]

You know, no matter how things play out he will find a way to make it your fault and to be a victim. But no matter what story he tells himself, he'll be living in the reality he's created. That will be a reality of being divorced. He can spin it any way he wants, but at the end of the day he won't have you in his corner. That is the real loss. His family can lend him a sympathetic ear but they won't be holding his hand when he's old and lonely or sick in the hospital.

It's funny, the desire to see them suffer. I get it. What's funny is the paradox thing where it's like "if I really want him to suffer then I need to become a saint of a woman, someone that he would regret losing for ever, that type of person would be compassionate not vindictive, so I must become compassionate so I can cause him the most possible pain..."

I don't know anymore. It does get easier with time Julie. Tonight I saw XW while picking up the kids. She continues to make comments about her life that she obviously wants me to know during the literal 5 second hand offs. Tonight she asked when I was dropping off the kids in the AM (no school because of holidays). I said 9, but then I said actually like 5-10 minutes before 9 because I had a 9AM appointment. She made a point to say "well I need to know, because I won't be spending the night here tonight so I need to know when I need to be back". I just shrugged and said 5 minutes to 9 was fine and kind of laughed to myself. Good for her, she has some drunk buddy that will screw her in exchange for validating whatever stories she wants to tell. It was such a treat because I realized I really don't care anymore, I feel nothing, it's all gone now. Feelings aren't my compass, I follow my beliefs, not my feelings...but it's a relief to know that I really don't feel any attraction, pain, loss, or anything about her these days. I want nothing to do with any of that crap. The loss of the marriage is still real, but so many things are going well that it becomes less and less important.

Julie, my IC says that recovery from a D is a 3-5 year journey. It stinks, but at least we know we're normal. All these goofballs rebounding and trying to deny their grieving...not worth it.

You know I'm a pool player. One mistake 99% of amateurs make is rushing under pressure. There is no time clock in pool. Yet when people get under pressure they hurry up because they are so uncomfortable with that pressure they just want to get it over with. It always ends poorly. I have won a lot of $ playing pool just by not doing this. I just sit there. Chalk my cue again. Acclimate to the pressure. Stare it in the face. Consider where it comes from. Work my way through it. Breath. Whatever. At some point it stops bothering me and I work through it all. Then I shoot the ball in and get my cash. If you want to know the one skill that makes me better than my competition it's that I want to win enough to handle that discomfort.

You are the same way. You are gritty, you are willing to sit with uncomfortable feelings, own them, name them, admit your place in them, and keep going. If you ever want to take up shooting pool let me know, you'd go a long way. Instead this will serve you well in post DB world. Own your desire for revenge, your pain, your anger, your disappointment, your loneliness. Eventually you won't have any give a $hit left in your tank and you'll be enjoying life again. The only bad news is that your H won't really start suffering until you stop caring whether he does or not anymore...but that's ok too.