Looking forward to the new year

[JulieH]

Painter, we were both posting at same time so my above post was not a response to you... just angry rambling.

I know you are right about me and not correctly divorce busting and you nailed it regarding time line and husband. I struggle with this and have said in past I'm an easy slip to the dark side I have used anger to get through this and I find myself frequently villifying and coming up with scenarios in my mind that haven't actually happened.

Husband frequently said he can only handle 1 thing at a time. He is very slow paced regarding everything and I am not the most patient person in the world. In the past, when I am patient about my wants and put no pressure on him (like getting married or him saying the words "I love you") it eventually does come. So I have to think this way as well.

Right now there is no way of giving him reasons to or not to because there is very very limited interactions. He texts 1 or 2 times a week to ask about kids and that's it. To me if you were trying to decide about reconciling, you would make an effort to interact, no? This has been going on for a long long time and he is becoming a ghost to me and to the children. I could even understand it if it was just me, but to be like this with the kids???

I almost feel like he is distancing himself to see how he can handle being away and if he can get used to it without any regard for what it has done to the kids. Actually it's not a feeling. He actually said that he wants to see if he can handle being away from them a few months ago. (My son has become so clingy to me because he is terrified that I am going to leave too. He is only 5 and he was crying because he was afraid I didn't come to his room because I died. I was literally away for less then 10 minutes)

So basically it's all about him and what he can handle and not the kids. And as I write about that and think of the kids a big part of me says why would I want someone in my life that is so selfish? I'm better off alone, no? He has no concerns over their suffering. Only his own. Good riddance. This is a man that left them for my retired parents to take care of. Wouldn't give money for child support and then when I took him to court he said it was all a communication issue? How the hell was it a communication issue? I asked twice and he said no. It was a " I don't feel like I should have to pay because all these years you didn't have the kitchen floors cleaned for me issue"

I'm sorry. I get mad and A lot of times I dont even know if I want to reconcile anymore.