Looking forward to the new year

[Imlucky]

Hi julie

I get the limbo ever since she moved out its been on off and im getting better at detaching from it.

Ive taken a step back from reading books about separation and divorce ive starting reading books about history which i havent done for a long time

Im looking forward to my 2016 being better then this year

[JulieH]

I'm lucky, I was doing better the month after husband told me he could not work torwards reconciliation. Then when he brought up with me that he would like to give relationship another try with us going on dates and going to counseling, I went back into limbo. Thing is he has done nothing since. Only asked me about it 1 x when we were in court and then never again. At the advice of my DB counselor, I had responded a month ago with a text saying I agreed with him that we should rebuild friendship going slow and he responded with a polite thank you.

It has been completely stagnant.

I don't know if he feels like I need to bring it up to him, but I obviously will not. But I simply do not want to keep my life on hold. And Unfortunatly for legal reasons I pretty much have to, so this limbo cannot go on long for me.

Eventually if he continues the lack of communication I am just going to tell him I want to proceed with divorce. I really feel that life is too short for me to be in this state. I want intimacy and a relationship. I got through the worst part already.
I contributed to the relationships demise, but he certainly did as well. I actually have the gift of moving forward relatively guilt free because he is the one that left and he had turned me down when I asked him for reconciliation so many times after DB.

Long term, who do you think suffers more the WAS or LBS?

[V2pt0]

I feel for you, Julie. In many ways, for the past 14 years I put my life on hold to support my H's education endeavors, including sacrificing ever having my own biological children. I do realize I contributed to our marital issues, but I also know I contributed to many many good things as well. I think I finally realized a couple of months ago that zo needed to start living my life for me. We both have a ton of time left and we need to make the most if it. You will know when you have had enough.

I whole heartily think the WAS suffers more. They are usually either running from their problems or using an numbing agent like a OP instead of facing their problems. When they come out of their crisis they will have to eventually face the choices they have made. In the meantime, we are already facing our issues and have beginning the healing and growing.

[Imlucky]

I dont know who is worse off or if it even matters

I see everyone here has chosen to be committed to a their marraige and are getting counselling, reading, coaching and rediscovering themselves.
Eventually we will have an answer about where we are going, im not giving up on my marriage but im not going to fight a divorce if she chooses, im not going to remain in this state forever

Ive learnt a lot here and cant wait for my DR book to arrive from the U.S,there are a lot of wise people here who are sharing their experiences and knowledge

I think everyone here is growing and becoming a person that if not kept are going to bring a lot of positives into the next relationship

[Imlucky]

In the meantime, we are already facing our issues and have beginning the healing and growing.

^ this

[mutatio]

I think people that work on managing or improving their short comings end up in a better situation. People who takes the time to minimize or eliminate their "issues" will not fall prey to them again.

[Painter]

Eventually if he continues the lack of communication I am just going to tell him I want to proceed with divorce. I really feel that life is too short for me to be in this state. I want intimacy and a relationship. I got through the worst part already.

These are the exact same arguments we hear from WAS's and misguided counselors. 'Life is too short'. 'I want' (my needs met). 'I'm through the worst part.'

You're here because you want to save your M - not just for you, but for the benefit of your very young children. You believe in M. You meant your vows.

Now you're angry he hasn't taken initiative to reconcile. Your're tired of living in limbo after less than 6 months?

I don't want to sound harsh but this does not sound like Divorcebusting to me...

The way you cope with limbo is GAL'ing and detaching. Not slamming divorce papers on the table because he didn't follow up on his reconciling talk.

You're dealing with another human being who has his own pace and who has been miserable for a long time. Not saying it was your fault, but he was hurting. It's going to take a while for him to decide if he is willing to risk getting hurt again. He has reasons to reconcile, and reasons not to. Are you giving him more reasons to want to than not to?

[JulieH]

WAS made a choice I never would have been able to make. In our circumstances we were living with my parents with no privacy for a year. I think that's why the choice was a no brainer for him. He was miserable. Most couples would have said, our relationship is failing don't worry about saving, let's just move out and get an apt. Husband refused, knowing our relationship was in crises. (We definatly could have afforded it) he keeps saying over and over how much he tried for years, and how I pushed him out.

So i often think he will go into denial to not have to own up to his choices.

This is how we differ. I am someone who really appreciates and needs the brutal honesty. I am not afraid to look at my flaws and poor choices and even laugh at them with my best friend. I know I am lazy when it comes to domestic stuff, and I know I am selfish and righteous and a bit vindictive and I am really good at coming up with passive aggressive comments that will hurt some one to the core and not so good at keeping my mouth shut about them when I am hurting.

My husband and his mother have this pattern of living in a weird state of denial. I have listened to them justify things that were done that should not have been done. For example, I will come out and actually say, yeah we are not allowed to do X and I am knowingly doing X anyway and now I'm anxious about getting caught. They will take same situation and say we are allowed to do X or We are not not doing X, and no worries. It is completely bizarre and impossible to debate. Because they both end up saying black is white.
During a consultation with an attorney, the lawyer did the same thing. Yes it was in my favor, but it wasn't true and defied logic and rationality and it bothered me. But it made me realize I would need him to deal with husband if it comes down to court vs mediation.

I will be honest, I want him to emotionally suffer greatly for leaving us. I want him to always have that doubt, instead of that crap "she's the one that pushed me out I tried". I want him to take ownership for walking away from a marriage that was salvageable. Especially when there were kids involved. Because they are the ones that suffer more then either of us.

I think being gracious and controlling what I want to say will do that? I know I know my motivations are skewed right now. I wish I could get into that love everyone forgive everyone state.

Sorry for the rambling!

[mutatio]

Julie, I am living the situation Painter so poignantly describes. It is very difficult. There are days she will not say good morning to me and when she gets home from work she hides in her room. Some days recently she has begun to talk to me. About household stuff but it's a start. It is very hard to do, to live like this.

I am displaying good behavior, being kind and considerate, offering compassion and expecting nothing in return. I do this because I want to treat my wife well and I will do so until she divorces me.

The point of my post is DB may work but it takes time, patience and hard work. Even when you commit to doing it there's no guarantee's. Painter's words are well worth considering.

[JulieH]

Painter, we were both posting at same time so my above post was not a response to you... just angry rambling.

I know you are right about me and not correctly divorce busting and you nailed it regarding time line and husband. I struggle with this and have said in past I'm an easy slip to the dark side I have used anger to get through this and I find myself frequently villifying and coming up with scenarios in my mind that haven't actually happened.

Husband frequently said he can only handle 1 thing at a time. He is very slow paced regarding everything and I am not the most patient person in the world. In the past, when I am patient about my wants and put no pressure on him (like getting married or him saying the words "I love you") it eventually does come. So I have to think this way as well.

Right now there is no way of giving him reasons to or not to because there is very very limited interactions. He texts 1 or 2 times a week to ask about kids and that's it. To me if you were trying to decide about reconciling, you would make an effort to interact, no? This has been going on for a long long time and he is becoming a ghost to me and to the children. I could even understand it if it was just me, but to be like this with the kids???

I almost feel like he is distancing himself to see how he can handle being away and if he can get used to it without any regard for what it has done to the kids. Actually it's not a feeling. He actually said that he wants to see if he can handle being away from them a few months ago. (My son has become so clingy to me because he is terrified that I am going to leave too. He is only 5 and he was crying because he was afraid I didn't come to his room because I died. I was literally away for less then 10 minutes)

So basically it's all about him and what he can handle and not the kids. And as I write about that and think of the kids a big part of me says why would I want someone in my life that is so selfish? I'm better off alone, no? He has no concerns over their suffering. Only his own. Good riddance. This is a man that left them for my retired parents to take care of. Wouldn't give money for child support and then when I took him to court he said it was all a communication issue? How the hell was it a communication issue? I asked twice and he said no. It was a " I don't feel like I should have to pay because all these years you didn't have the kitchen floors cleaned for me issue"

I'm sorry. I get mad and A lot of times I dont even know if I want to reconcile anymore.