I am eating out my freezer, don't have the heat on, washing my clothes in my bath water once a week to save cash. I shower at my gym. I use refillable bottles of water in the gym.
Buying second hand boots, visiting £1 shops for essentials I am running out of. I buy older veg on discount and juice them.
My shower has been out of action and I can't afford to have it fixed. The tenants dishwasher broke I gave them mine.
I sold my wedding dress to buy Xmas presents, cards and stamps to post. I scrimp I save. I make my own essential oil washing liquid. I am using the scraps in the bags, the freebie samples. No Xmas tree this year.
I am working about 80 hours a week and it isn't enough. I am falling behind.
I came to my Brighton flat because the toilet cistern is overflowing and I fixed it myself. Waste of my time really but saved cash.
So I get it. I will not go under Mahhty.
Thinking of you.
I love Anc idea on the treasure hunt. Have you thought of making tree decorations? Glitter, glue, and paper are usually available from scrap schemes.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 12/21/1507:50 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Just wanted to stop by and say Merry Christmas to you. I hope the day is joyful as it can be. I have thought about you a lot over the last week. I wish Santa could have brought us together in a way to really share some yule tide fun. But really being with a friend like you over this time would have been incredibly nice.
You are never far from my thoughts U. Much love to you and your children. Next year Christmas at mine!
Hi V - I hope that it didn't sound like I was complaining too much, or that I offended you by talking about my financial problems - truly I am grateful for what I have and know that my complaints are only based on where I would like to be, but stuck in the mud a little right now. I feel bad that I complained when - I am not starving, I have amazing kids, a warm house, some great friends and family and need nothing else.
Christmas was more like diet christmas or christmas-lite as far as decorations and presents went, but the real feelings and the meanings resurfaced once I put away my own expectations for how things should be and stayed in the moment, making fun times and making fun/memorable times RIGHT NOW as there may not be another opportunity for a while or ever.
and Ancaire, thank you so much for checking in here. I love your ideas of fun memorable times. I agree that the gifts that I remember as a kid were actually the goofy ones the most. I think the hard part of this is allowing the kids to get used to the change of what we were and how we did things compared to what we are and how we do things now. We did our best. I think my own expectations exceeded theirs.
Hi Jelly - thank you for the Christmas wishes. I hope you had a great one too - I wish santa could have sent me to NZ - kind of just want out of here and meeting you would be a perfect present.
Christmas was survivable - very lonely for the most part, but I survived and the kids are with me now for a couple days. STBX is pushing the schedule with the kids more than I would like, and I am not getting as much time with them over the break. on Christmas day they were only "allowed" to be with me for an hour which turned into a whirlwind of overwhelming activity (one hour visit in from d15, S18, S21 - GF and 4 visiting dogs to go along with my dog and new cat (d15's pet). Chaos and then empty again - I didn't mind the chaos, I just wish they could have stayed longer for everything to calm down a bit. But they had to go to back to their mother's and then Grandparents.
The way the holidays were set up this time the kids were with her on my time so I lost a couple of days with them (not that I'm keeping score - or maybe I am).
Not a word from or to STBX aside from me sending her a message today that I wanted the kids to stay with me for dinner tonight instead of our normal sunday night dinner at other parent's house. I have not seen them much and was our first opportunity for a nice sit-down dinner. I do feel a little guilty for changing the schedule, but I felt short-changed.
They will be leaving me before new year's eve too and I suspect that I am going to have a hard time with this. See - NYD is always a big celebration for our former family. It'll be my last anniversary with STBX - not that I am with her - and though I feel fully detached from her, I suppose that it will cross my mind and no kids to help diffuse those thoughts. I will likely go watch some football somewhere that day - bah.
Again I really wish to get out of here - but cannot right now. I am going to take the kids on a quick road trip in February to visit some x-family in Florida (kind of funny to think that it is my x-family but not the kid's x-family). SIL invited me and kids down and I think I will take her up on it. My BIL & SIL with their kids are something that I do not want to lose.
I have been thinking and I have hinted to the kids that I am going to disappear for a while next summer. I am planning a road/camping trip and am going to head west (may take the kids for part of the trip - or all of it if they want). Just a plan right now but I just really want to disappear.
teardrop - massive attack
Peace & Love Chicago-10:30pm
u-turn
Me-45 W-44 S21, S18, D15 T-27, M-21 BD Jan 2014 PA revealed March 2014 In-house separation - April 2015 I filed - Aug 2015 She moved out Oct 2015
I am sorry that the schedule for contact with your children is not working out. I know I am likely preaching a bit, but it has long been my impression that STBX takes advantage of your willing and compromising nature.
If STBX had Christmas, why are you not having NY Eve or Day? Surely there is room for compromise. Do you have some worry about putting your wants and wishes out there with STXW?
To be frank I think feeling short changed is probably a reasonable response to losing time with your kids. However if you are not asking for what you want more often then you are leaving yourself open to not feeling good. Please don't do that to yourself.
The trips sound good, something to look forward to and creating memories for you children.
I wish you were having an easier road U. All I can do is encourage you to come by and post more. You really don't have to carry this alone. I do wonder if this is pattern of behaviour, where you isolate and shut down in times of stress and crisis, and merely survive.
U it is so unnecessary to face this all alone. I have thought for sometime now that letting other's love, help and support you seems like such a hard thing for you to accept or ask for. Is this my assumption or something that might true? Is this something that didn't work for you in your relationships/work?
Hey there Jelly - I've always loved chasing cars - used to be a you and me against the world song in my opinion - at least that's what I think of. I liked it now too when it's me and me against the world - and I don't mean that to sound like poor me, just a different way of looking at things. Thanks - great selection.
Manic Street Preachers motorcycle emptiness - I have never heard of them before, I need a couple listens to this though. Isn't it cool that there is way more that we don't know than what we are actually familiar with? Kind of a good way to look at life right now.
by the way - I must be either easy to figure out or you have woman's intuition is your super power.
I actually do have a fear of asking for things from STBX or stating my wants. I still think that it will seem like weakness or she is doing me a favor if she gives into something that I want. I do not want her to do me any favors. I do feel that she takes advantage of the and did so last week.
Though I am going to ask to keep the kids on part of Thursday instead of switching on Wednesday. I would like to make a great new year's eve dinner before they go (even if it is earlier in the day). I think that I will be satisfied by this - the kids said that they would like that too.
and
Yes - not asking for help and actually discouraging those that try to help me has been a pattern in most parts of life. business - yes. I have tried to become the expert at everything - but sometimes I have found that not getting other viewpoints or solutions has left me stagnant.
maybe that's true in my friendships too. I think that friends found me helpful - I am always the first to help others and give all of myself for them, but a bit too removed and solitary to allow others into my life and my troubles.
I don't think I was that way with my wife - I think we leaned on each other and helped each other (we would ask each other for help), but maybe I am just not seeing it. Some of her complaints about me after BD was about our life being all about me and my career. I don't completely agree with that as I made some MAJOR sacrifices in my life and career for our family and the quality time that I could provide.
though - come to think of it,
it was another complaint that I was giving too much to everyone and not enough to her. She felt that she was the only person in the world that I could say no to. Maybe that was true.
But that's beyond the question that you asked - but it made me think.
new song that I really like - Bahamas-all the time - maybe this is what I need to play in my head all the time.
Thanks for being here Jelly u-turn
Me-45 W-44 S21, S18, D15 T-27, M-21 BD Jan 2014 PA revealed March 2014 In-house separation - April 2015 I filed - Aug 2015 She moved out Oct 2015
V-dumpster diving - yeah I haven't been there yet either - but reminds me of a nightly youthful events at the local doughnut shop that got rid of their extras every night - friends and I ate well as kids
Sharing the kids like this is such a strange thing for me - as it must be for the kids too. It seems like I prepare for the kids coming over like I would if I had guests coming over for a visit. I clean and get everything in tip-top shape, try to fill the fridge and cupboards. but it takes a night to feel like they are my kids and this is their house. Then the night before they leave, it is the same. Preparing for them to leave - getting their laundry done and helping them pack.
It must suck for them, but such is life I guess.
Thanks for checking in V
Me-45 W-44 S21, S18, D15 T-27, M-21 BD Jan 2014 PA revealed March 2014 In-house separation - April 2015 I filed - Aug 2015 She moved out Oct 2015
Hey there Jelly - I've always loved chasing cars - used to be a you and me against the world song in my opinion - at least that's what I think of. I liked it now too when it's me and me against the world - and I don't mean that to sound like poor me, just a different way of looking at things. Thanks - great selection.
Manic Street Preachers motorcycle emptiness - I have never heard of them before, I need a couple listens to this though. Isn't it cool that there is way more that we don't know than what we are actually familiar with? Kind of a good way to look at life right now.
by the way - I must be either easy to figure out or you have woman's intuition is your super power.
I actually do have a fear of asking for things from STBX or stating my wants. I still think that it will seem like weakness or she is doing me a favor if she gives into something that I want. I do not want her to do me any favors. I do feel that she takes advantage of the and did so last week.
Though I am going to ask to keep the kids on part of Thursday instead of switching on Wednesday. I would like to make a great new year's eve dinner before they go (even if it is earlier in the day). I think that I will be satisfied by this - the kids said that they would like that too.
and
Yes - not asking for help and actually discouraging those that try to help me has been a pattern in most parts of life. business - yes. I have tried to become the expert at everything - but sometimes I have found that not getting other viewpoints or solutions has left me stagnant.
maybe that's true in my friendships too. I think that friends found me helpful - I am always the first to help others and give all of myself for them, but a bit too removed and solitary to allow others into my life and my troubles.
I don't think I was that way with my wife - I think we leaned on each other and helped each other (we would ask each other for help), but maybe I am just not seeing it. Some of her complaints about me after BD was about our life being all about me and my career. I don't completely agree with that as I made some MAJOR sacrifices in my life and career for our family and the quality time that I could provide.
though - come to think of it,
it was another complaint that I was giving too much to everyone and not enough to her. She felt that she was the only person in the world that I could say no to. Maybe that was true.
But that's beyond the question that you asked - but it made me think.
new song that I really like - Bahamas-all the time - maybe this is what I need to play in my head all the time.
Thanks for being here Jelly u-turn
Lovely U,
Yes Chasing Cars, well if you put great lyrics and melody like that and partner it up with Greys Anatomy and a tragic love storyline, it was bound to leave a romantic girl like me swooning and using it as the soundtrack to her own tragic lovestory meltdown. Lol Anyway it is a fav and love the angsty melody.
I have to thank you lovely U. A few weeks ago while reading your post I realised that you and I have this terrible habit of never asking for help and putting ourselves last. I realised I am just absolutely terrible at looking after and caring and loving myself. It was there in your words and my sad attempt at supporting to you, I found myself looking directly into the mirror.
The exchange has been life changing (if that can happen in a few weeks). I decided that my self-torture and self imposed exile from the human race was a choice and not a universal determination. That my feelings of separateness from other's was a construct I have been using for various reasons, fear mostly - fear of being seen, fear of being hurt, fear of being rejected for who I really am.
I have posted more on these boards in the last three weeks, than I have done since I joined the site in March 2015. I have experienced more shift these last few weeks than I have done in this whole year.
I have you to thank. We are very similar you and I U. I say this hestiantly, but I am going to say it, it's a brash statement to say that you know someone who you have never met. But I do know the places you hide so love won't find you. I know the places you hide so you affirm that you are not entitled to ask for what you want.
I dont have any super-powers I just know what you deny yourself thinking that you are not worthy.
You are worthy of asking your STBXW to have your children and to ask her to be open to compromise while you co-parent together. That is not a favour U, that is a reasonable and rightful expectation and request to have of the mother of your children.
If for now your cannot advocate for yourself in this area, then advocate on behalf of your children, until to feel comfortable to ask for yourself.
I have so much to say to you lovely U, but this is not the place and indeed my desire to both hug you (because I feel your hurt) and slap you (because you are denying yourself so much happiness), are entirely inappropriate. (note I am not an advocate for violence or slapping - well slapping is entirely appropriate in some contexts wink, wink)
What I am about to say is indeed - my stuff projecting on to you, but also I think I desire to see some shift for you too. Let us support you U, take a leap of faith on an anonymous group of people, sane and insane, kind, hurting, generous people. Share some of U with us. Show up just for the support and love, so you can feel it. You are worthy U. I know it feels scary, but it could be well worth it.
The other thing I have been thinking, you have a group of people who joined the boards at the same time you did, who are in Surviving the Big D, who understand more than anyone the trials and tribulations of dealing with this next bit. Seek their advice and support. The comradrie in that board is strong and the people are kind and generous. The board feels positive and alive, but real and human.
V has asked you for your new chapter. Maybe it is time to start it there.
I am sorry if I have been harsh and too bold. But I really do care for you, and I want my friend to have joy and peace in abundance.
If I have over-stepped my mark, feel free to ignore. I would never be a offended.
I think my own expectations exceeded theirs.
