Cute guy where? Can't seem to find him? Thanks Shotgun. I know what my problem is, I can't believe it's over with H and I'm scared of not being loveable again. I feel like second hand goods and who would want that?
I need to think that I'm divorced and act as if I'm and start to leave how to live my life.
It's very hard to detach as I see H every other day! If he wasn't in the picture I'd be fine.
I know what my problem is, I can't believe it's over with H and I'm scared of not being loveable again. I feel like second hand goods and who would want that?
I think this is one of the hardest things to do Rouky. When you have been with someone for such a long time it is very hard to shake that feeling of disbelief. It's also hard not to think of ourselves as second hand goods. If H doesn't want us with our shared history who else will, right?! I think it is going to take a lot of time and when you're truly ready it will just happen. I'm hoping this is true anyway.
You CAN do it though, we all CAN and we all WILL...it's just a matter of time.
Hang in there Rouky. You have done nothing wrong. There may be something that you could do differently but that doesn't mean you have done it wrong. I think that you are getting to the root of the issue when you say that you feel like second hand goods and are unlovable. Could it be that you have always felt that way. I think that you need to tell your counselor exactly what you said in your post. Maybe you have already but sitting right here I know that the opposite is true and that you are amazing and you are a dream girl! You need to do the work that gets you to where you can see that in yourself. Maybe it was your childhood or maybe it was your marriage that made you feel that way but it is not the truth and healing for you will be at the end of working through that.
At some point my cousin told me that she wished that I could see myself the way others do. I wish the same for you and believe me when I say that it is only the distance that keeps me away from you. You are special and you are going to survive this and you will blossom into the most lovely flower that will be to die for. Hang tough Rouky.
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
You are such a charmer Shotgun :-) I really appreciate all you kind words. You know how to put a smile back on my face and how to make me feel special. Thank you so much :-)
I had a very interesting conversation with my brother's MIL. I already knew few things but to hear it from someone who only met me 3 times is really nice.
Throughout my M I have done the best I could based on the information I had at the time. Now I'm realising that I'm not perfect but that I always thought about others before me.
Bro's MIL said that I should now embark on my journey and let H embarks on his. Now I can't control anything or anyone but me. I need to put the focus back on me.
Thanks Inpain, how did you manage to DB and get back with your H the first time? I feel I'm doing wrong in DB myself! Too much emphasis on WH!
Well, the first time I Divorce Busted it all seemed so much easier than this time. H just came home from work very late one evening and told me he hadn't had to work late, he had been sitting at work thinking and he was leaving me. It was completely out of the blue and I was devastated. It was the day after our S's 2nd birthday. He moved out the next day to a friend's house across the road. I text, rang, cried and begged for about 2 weeks. In that time his mobile phone bill came and it was itemised due to him being self employed at the time. It was a fortune and there were calls and text to one number over and over for about a month. I called it and there was OW on the other end. This prompted me to search online for help and I ordered DR. I read it in 24hours flat and immediately went dark. After 2 weeks of NC whatsoever (he didn't contact me either) H suddenly text asking if I wanted to take S out for the day together. We went and had a great time. Every 4 or 5 days he would do the same and after a couple of weeks I broked down in tears. He said he wanted to keep having days out but nothing else and to not cry or he would stop coming round at all. So, I did the only thing I could do, which was carry on going on the days out but making sure there was no R talk or crying. 4 months after he left he text asking me if I would like to go out for a meal just the two of us on a Saturday night. About a week prior to that we'd also gone to the cinema just the two of us. We had a great night but still no R talk. The next morning he came round and took S and I out to town shopping. It was a couple of weeks before Christmas. On the way home from town he told me that he'd like to come home and try to work things out but that he wanted to take things slowly. Obviously, I was elated and he moved back in the next day. He slept in spare room for almost 3 months and then just as suddenly as he announced coming home, he decided we could sleep in same room again. The rest is history as they say. So, looking back on it now I don't feel like I had to do too much at all to initially get him to start rethinking. Just 2 weeks of going dark! But another 3 months of no R talk and family days out initiated only by him, never by me.
Thank you very much Inpain for telling me your story. I'd love to go dark but I can't as H comes to see kids every other day.
Well now I'll focus back on me and see what the future holds :-)
Yes, I know, this is the trouble I'm having this time too. As I said, S was only 2 last time and obviously toddlers have no concept of time and H works shifts anyway, so whenever 2 year old S would ask where Daddy was I told him he was at work. Now that we have two children and they're 11 and 7 it is so much harder. I can't fob them off with Dad's at work because they can read his rota and H comes round all the time to see them anyway. I am going dark by not texting him and I always wait at least ten minutes before answering any of his texts but still, it is not going dark to the extent I did last time.
Do you stay in the house when H comes round to see your children or do you go out? Maybe that could be a way to go dark. I am thinking of doing this myself as everytime I see him it breaks my heart a little bit more.
Good job guys. I like what you say inpain about taking your time to return texts. I also think that being out of the house when your husbands are there is a good idea. Inpain and Rouky you guys need to talk more about solutions to the visitation issue.
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
Good job guys. I like what you say inpain about taking your time to return texts. I also think that being out of the house when your husbands are there is a good idea. Inpain and Rouky you guys need to talk more about solutions to the visitation issue.
Thanks Shotgun! I think taking my time to return texts and not text first is about the only thing I'm doing right at the moment. I think you're right about solving the visitation issue too. I just don't have a clue how or what should be agreed and H just doesn't seem interested in sorting anything at all. Probably because he's able to cake eat right now and come round whenever is suitable for him or stay at home alone whenever he can't be bothered. Just don't know how a person can check out on their kids like he is.
