WW, My Addiction, Patience is HARD

[trumpet]

Sandi and tl2,

My W is pushing us to file for the D as a 'collaborative' divorce.
It saves us money.

I have repeatedly told her I don't believe in divorce.
She says 'well, you're always concerned about money, this will make it less painful monetarily for you'. Even split, 50/50 kids, she 'doesn't want my money'.

She's mentioning to other people that she's probably going to have to church shop and find another one, as it's a conservative church, and adultery/divorce would be something the pastor would mention isn't good, and would feel that she's got a scarlet letter pinned to her chest every time she walks in the door.

She's really checked out now. She even calls herself a whore - which I have NEVER called her (said that to me Sunday night). She is in a rough spot, can't sleep, having anxiety attacks, and wants it to be over. To be over for her, the escape is the D, the light at the end of the tunnel, and her friends are reinforcing it. Heck, even my family and friends have mentioned that I should just file and be over with it. Every time I have said words or done something to undermine the R, she has used that as another brick in the D wall, and further evidence that I'm not worth being with. She wants someone who will not hurt her, and love her for who she is right now. She says I'm not that person, and doubts I ever was.

When one is an adulterer, and one is the survivor, one is working REALLY hard to repair the damage they have caused, once they are no longer wayward.

In my case, both of us are hurting, and both of us need to work hard to repair the damage caused. I've not held up my end of the bargain, as the pain and aloneness has really gotten to me, as the pornography was a fake copy of my wife's love. Without it, and I'm going on 2 months without any porn or masturbation, you realize you never had real love with it, only fake feelings that masked the error of my ways. So, now I'm longing to be with my wife, and I now recognize what I need, but that I haven't gotten my needs met in YEARS, and my wife, the same - none of her needs met, as well as the damage I've caused with the pornography, and found someone that she thinks will better meet her needs, even if he's 3 hours away. She has said she owes it to herself to see if he's the right one, as she's pretty sure I'm the wrong one.

We both have issues with communication - using passive/aggressive language, sarcasm, and hurtful words instead of telling someone we're hurt or scared. It's a negative feeback loop, a carousel we've been on for years. It's like a well-worn groove in the pavement. Jumping the groove takes SOOO much work.

My wife's BIG revelation to me on Sunday was that she has always wanted to feel safe, and that she hasn't felt safe with me. There is no domestic violence, but lots of arguments. I asked her what being safe meant, but she didn't want to go farther... to her, she goes into a little panic attack when I walk in the door at night, for example.

I work a stressful job - auto sales, so I get beat up on a daily basis from people who think it's their right to treat me poorly to get a better deal. I understand that is my occupation, so I've learned patience over the years, but the hours and grind do take a toll on your wife and kids. Some days, I'd come home in a bad mood. Over the years, she has come to dread me coming home. That stress has made it home - at least once a week.

So, after talking it over by writing this out, I see these things:

1.)No divorce for me... I will not pull the trigger. She must.
2.)Completely DB, not halfway. Re-read the DR book I have.
3.)She wants space, this will take months, give her the time.
4.)I have no control over her filing, and how she treats me. I can only control myself. And I have done a poor job of that.
5.)My healing from the pornography addiction will happen without her. I kept thinking that we could both heal by working together, or that I could lean on her, since I love her, and she would want to help, but that's not realistic. Not in the least.
6.)My alertness and level of communication in relationships must go exponentially higher.

Sandi et al, let me know what to do. I'm really feeling in a low spot, and feel the anxiety in me right now. When my shift is done at work, I'm headed home, but will probably just hide in the basement for the rest of the night.