WW is onboard with trying to save the M

[sandi2]

Today, my W and I had a conversation in which she reiterated just how uncertain she is about the chemistry between us and whether we are really right for each other at all. She agrees that she does have childhood issues that block intimacy with me and cause it to leak outside the M, but she also thinks that I just may be the wrong match for her.

I believe her uncertainties are very common in WW's. In most cases, the WW has felt emotionally detached from her H for a period of time. At the moment, she feels no attraction/desire, and it is a scary thing to think about "giving up" the OM and all the emotions tied to the A, and go back into a relationship with you. As long as she has any other man in her head, it will block feelings of desire for her H.

Originally Posted By: Azzork
It

sounds like the two of you are doing a TON of talking.

How does continually discussing her lack of attraction towards you increase her attraction to you?

Good question Azzork. It probably doesn't, but I think it may be good for other reasons. We are talking to explore the truth, find out what each other really wants, increasing our understanding of where things went wrong with the M to get better clarity and make better decisions about how to move forward, what to work on individually, etc. We want to make decisions based on reason and wisdom instead of emotion and fears

Some talk would be okay IF she had ended the A and has come through the hardest part of withdrawals. However, she has done neither, so to continue going down the road of R talk, is really not as beneficial as you might want to believe.

You are the one who is sensitive and craves emotional connection. As being the same type myself, I think you may feel emotional connection by having deep & meaningful conversations. To be denied that connection may seem like you are abandoning yourself at the darkest time. I use to wonder how in the world two people could work things out if they did not talk it out.

Here's the problem with having R talks with your W at this point. She continues to be in a state of waywardness. So, #1, you can't believe anything she says at the moment. You would have more success talking to someone else. #2, it is doubtful she will be make decisions based on reason and wisdom, while she is wayward. #3, how much are you talking.....and how little is she contributing to the discussion? Remember, this is your need, but it's not hers. #4, when she does contribute to the discussion, does it seem more complaining or blaming about you, rather than productively finding solutions?

The unfortunate fact that she isn't currently attracted to me does come up now and again, since it's one of the things we want to understand, but I wouldn't say we are continually talking about only that. Do you think this kind of talking is good for us at this stage, as long as I'm also focusing on my goals?

Personally, I do not think it is good, ATM. Once she is fully on board to do whatever is necessary to save the M, then having a professional to guide these discussions. I think you could probably google what makes a man attractive, and learn some basic laws of attraction. Your IC should be able to help you along these lines, at least until your W is truly working to save the M. Even getting women here to tell you what makes a man attractive...or not, could help.

I may be off track when I tell you what this looks like to me. In your attemps to save the M, you are putting emotional pressure on her. You do this by having too much relationship talk. It's as though you are walking behind her...with your hands on her back......pushing her, trying to force her to make steps forward. I understand, b/c I tend to be the same as you. However, as a former WW, I can see how this type of pushing the horse to the water trough, will not make the horse drink the water.

As much as you may be willing to bend over backward to save the M, you just cannot force her to do what she needs to do. In doing this, I am concerned other problems will arise, or the current ones will intensify.

So, what does a H do when he can't "talk" his way out of this mess? I believe it is time to stop these type of discussions until she goes through with complete transparency and is no longer addicted to the OM.

Instead of "talking", I think it is best to enforce personal and relationship boundaries.

In the letter, you are telling her to "show you". I get it, really. I am just not convinced she is going to show what you want as long as there are no consequences. Instead of having another discussion, decide what it will take to make you feel emotionally safe again. What can YOU do to protect yourself? If you have not read the link on boundaries, check it out.