Updated/still thinking about next steps

[Zues126]

What do you do in this sitch? He has no desire to change - only for me to change. I've made every effort and it is sooner or later met with vitriol and hate thrown in my face that I never change. It's brought me to the point of just plain quitting - either in-house separatation or more.
I have a feeling that's not the right choice...but what to do??? His manipulation and self-centeredness has no end.

First off thanks for posting here. You will get much more traffic. I challenge you to post a minimum of 3-5 times per week and keep this going.

One thing I often wonder is what someone means when they say they're at the point of "quitting".

Does this mean legal action? Separation? Divorce? Entering a relationship with another man? I don't believe in going this route myself.

Or does this mean detaching, dropping all expectations, finding other ways to meet your emotional needs through GAL? This is exactly what I think DBing is about.

I think the key to DBing is quitting without quitting. Move forward with your life. Get to the point where your H's behavior is irrelevant to you, you are fulfilled in every other way on your own. So if he said he wants a D one day you'd just shrug and accept that it was time to let the legal paperwork catch up with the emotional work you've already done.

Of course in the meantime you stay true to your vows, keep serving your family, and in some ways continue to serve your H. Not out of expectation of appreciation or reciprocation, but because you believe that's the right thing for a strong woman to do.

This is the path of DB the best I understand it. It isn't easy because you have to take control of your emotions. Easier is quitting physically, because then you are FORCED to go through a grieving process, detach, let go, rebuild a new life. But if you can do this voluntarily on your end you will be prepared for whatever the future brings, and best of all you will give the chance for your M to revive at some point.