WW, My Addiction, Patience is HARD

[trumpet]

JGuy,

Thanks for the reply. The jury is out on my talking about the R - we did have a lengthy discussion on Sunday, and she's still in love with the OM in her heart, but realizes it's wrong, and that it makes her really confused. I've come to realize R talk just isn't worth it unless SHE wants to talk, and wants to make the effort of NC. She's half-hearting it right now, which is fine, but not what I want. She knows this. I can't make a steer pee milk, so that horse-cow will have to just sit and wait while the fog clears, and my wife gets part of her brain back. She has tried to do things, but so far, a few have backfired, since she's still in the fog, and is treating me as a distant friend.

I'm being nice, but not overly talkative. I spend time with my kids, make them supper, offer to make a plate for my wife (she's not a great cook, I do most of the cooking now, as well as shopping). She usually declines. I used to push the issue that she needs to eat (she was bulimic when we got married, so she's never had great coping mechanisms in place for life)... but really, that's her business now.

Our counselor that we WERE going to didn't like that I mentioned that my wife fired me. But in a sense, she did. More of a lay-off, with a chance at full-time employment in the spring... ha!

The toughest feeling I've ever felt in life is my life partner telling me there was no love there. To be unloved, for any length of time, can put someone into the pits of despair, and could drive someone to suicide - I see that clearly now. My life is way more important to throw it away - my Christ told me so. My time here is a GIFT. My wife has given me that GIFT as well. I'm sure in the next 3 days I'll feel unloved again, and go to the dark place in my heart where I hurt. But I'll get over it, and get back to working on myself. Gut-wrenching stuff. The oscillations in my life are slowing, like an empty swing. I pray that no one pushes the swing any more, and I can focus on the work at hand - be the best dad I can be, continue to work on myself (weight, activities, sleep, demeanor), and work on bringing home some bacon for the family and for me.

It does get easier as time moves on, but I'm still easily bruised, and now know when I hurt, when something bothers me, I can vocalize it to others, and not just be angry.