do nothing or what

[roist]

Unlike most here, my W never told me directly she wants out or isn't in love with me. She just checked out. My IC says that she probably doesn't want to lose me. We'll see.

Yes I remember giving my opinion on you buying a gift. I see other situations clearer than mine. Speaking of which I think you are right to hold off on your R talk IMO.

Enjoy the time with your daughter, have a coffee and thanks for replying

[roist]

It is time for change.I am going to make the most of this Christmas and ensure my boys enjoy it. I will try my best to enjoy it but I am not in a happy place.

Next year (next week) I need it to change. It is time to really move forward.I feel like just opening up to W, saying my thoughts on the situation, telling her I won't carry on like this indefinitely. I am even contemplating asking her to move out of our room. I have always bottled my emotions. I worked on me to beat my depression and I got in touch with my emotions. The new me wants to be open emotionally. This is no longer about saving M. I want to be me.

I don't think opening up will change our situation but I just want to let it all out. ALL. Then I back off completely and move on for me.

Obviously I still want to save my M, or I would not be posting here.

Otherwise I could just move on without saying anything. But that is more of the same behavior.

No battery left. So got to go.

[mutatio]

roiste, change is not a bad thing. It may bring about thoughts from a different perspective. You must remain true to yourself. Your marriage has changed and will continue to change. It is only as strong as the people in it. My wife is sleeping in a other room. At this time it's is right place for her to be in regards to our marriage. Be kind during the conversation, it can be an emotional moment. Be well

[roist]

Happy Christmas DB friends.Make the most of your day. Happy thoughts.

[mutatio]

Merry Christmas Roiste, enjoy your family, enjoy your day. Be well

[roist]

I got through Christmas. Yahoo. I wasn't in the best of form but I made the most of it. The boys enjoyed it and I enjoyed them.

Like last year I went into Christmas thinking it may be the last one as a family. Last year I thought W would not be there much longer. This year I see no sign of W leaving physically but I guess I am the one that needs change.

W is usually well organised and proactive about stuff like Christmas.ThThis year she wasn't herself.I usually let her organise where we do what as it is with her family.EEach time I asked about plans she didn't know.. even days beforehand.I hadsaid early on that I prefer to do Christmas day at our house.Last week I texted MIL to find out what the plan was and to reiterate my preference. Long story short, everyone came to our place. This suited me as I could phone/Skype my family during the day, plus if it is our last Christmas as a family I wanted the boys and I to remember it at our home.

I'm losing interest in making an effort with interactions with W. That seems to make two of us. I have a plan of action and work on me which is what I will try to concentrate on. I have work that is for sure. And it will be done.Roiste 2.0 will be here in 2016.

I am dropping the rope in terms of trying to please W, about expectations,aabout not trying to solve her issues and more or less about the outcome.. I am detached from the outcome in as far as I am sure I will be happy whichever way this ends. I still honestly believe we can be happy together as a couple and as a family. Staying together as a family is no longer enough for me.

It pains me to see that everyone sees us as normal, with no idea of the rift that exists and how near explosion we are. And at times I hate pretending and want to shout about our real situation.

I am pulling away from W. I just don't like spending low quality time together and I hate not being free to interact like I feel/want to. I have not said or done anything blatant but it is sure W cannot but notice a difference. On one side I don't care what she thinks, but on a deeper level, I don't want my actions/behavior cause the final downfall of our M.

It doesn't feel right to just check out...... even if that is what she did. My inclination is towards either a chat or letter and then really backing off . Opinions?

Unlike most here I never got the ILYBNILWY or the I want out speech, so I wonder is my behavior saying I accept to stay in an unloving, unaffectiobate and unfulfiling M.

Over the last year I have learned so much about being a better husband and building a better R/M I wish I could implement it. But W is not receptive and at this stage could be counter productive. But some day I look forward to that.

After 14 months of this ( not counting beforehand when I was depressed), I don't see any signs of W actually trying to leave. She is great with kids and around house. I appreciate this and don't take it for granted,but it is not enough. She did get me a Christmas pressie and not just a last minute thing. She has kept all my letters and cards though they are fewer and far between now. Small stuff that helps me keep hope, but......

I probably am repeating myself again and sound like a broken record. But whereas the situation and the pain are the same I am not.I have not given up on hope or love, but I feel I am at a turning point. Help me chose the best path.

[Zephyr]

Repeat away!!!!! We are here to listen. Hell, i feel like a crazy person some days repeating myself but it always amazes me how much better i feel when it gets off my chest.

Depression is a real bitch. She still may have a ways still to get herself out of that rutt. Standing has never been easy and you have been standing strong for a LONG time.

Take a few days and just be and do what you want. What would your life look like if you qere not married, would you wait atound or would you be out there interacting with the world. Just go and do it. See where it leads.

I will tell you, the single BIGGEST tool i am picking up from this is patience, the second is learning how to meet my own needs. Part of that is interacting with others outside of the house.

One thing that may come across as snarky, not sure: is sexual fulfilment issues. How can i be happy if i am not fulfilled, right? If your marriage ends today, you wont be ready to date for some time, so this is something you are going to have to learn how to deal with married or single.

The emotional struggle certainly is not easy when we are not loved /or at least shown that love. I realized some time ago, that my feeling of being unloved...it is all me, i didnt love myself, plain and simple. I blamed the situation for my feelings of being unwanted. I went through life where my wife showed me for the first time in my life, that i was special, that i was worthy of love, that i was someone who could be wanted and desired and fantasized about and she showed me that for two decades.

Then she stopped. All of those feelings i had as a kid, getting picked on, nobody liked me, or picked last, few friends, no one had a crush on me...all that $hit, she cut through all of it. She was the one who rescued me from that all, she showed me that I was not ugly after all, that i was worth living for...untill she didnt, THAT threw me into the downward spiral. Think about how much pressure it is for someone to carry all these years, to be responsible for propping me up, and it would never be enough for me.

She has her own issues, that is for sure. Will she ever come through it, idk. We will both have battle scars from this ordeal.

But i had a point, learning first off that i needed to be able to love myself, to take that responsibility away from my wife and hold it for myself. We control our happiness right? something i preach daily . It starts here. This is something that needs to happen before there is any resolution to your marriage on way or another.

Believe me i am not trying to talk you into or out of anything, i just want you to make sure that you are truly Mr. Roiste 2.0 before you are really done, and i think there is still some work to do we ALL do.

If, scratch that, WHEN i come to europe, i will be looking you up as i owe you more than just a few beers.

Mark

[mutatio]

But whereas the situation and the pain are the same I am not.I have not given up on hope or love, but I feel I am at a turning point. Help me chose the best path.

Roiste, What path you choose is determined by what's in your heart, not your mind. Your ego is not your friend.

What does your heart say?
What do you want?
What are you willing to do to get it?
What things would change what you want?

Your choice resides in your heart, look there

[Azzork]

Roiste -

I don't know that I've read back through your whole situation.

Whe was the last time you read DR? I read a lot about your lack of happiness and so on.

What kind of changes are you making with respect to W? Have you gone through some of the "science experiment" type things MWD describes?

[Cristy]

Hello Roiste,

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.

Your frustration and exhaustion is totally understandable. You mentioned dropping the rope. There are strategies the help you through this cycle.

I urge you to speak with a Divorce Busting coach. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004