Moving Ahead - In the UK - Huddy (pt16)

[inpain]

Hi Huddy

I haven't posted on your thread before so I hope this doesn't come across in the wrong way, but I have pieced my M back together before 9 years ago using the DR book and this website (I'm back here again now but that doesn't alter what I know about piecing).

I see some major no-nos in your last post if you do want to piece a R with your wife, that's all.

I think if W wanted to return, the first thing I would require would for it to be on my terms.

You cannot expect it all to be on your terms. Regardless of how hurt you feel and what W has done wrong, there are things she obviously thought were wrong that you did too. To piece successfully you would have to do the other steps in DR book, like acting as if etc before the "asking for what you want" step. I'm just worried that if you took this stance if you got the holy grail of your W wanting back into a R with you, you would blow it all at the first hurdle. Yes, your wife would need to get professional help etc but perhaps this should be eased into gently once things are on a bit more of an even keel rather than demanding they happen as soon as she says she wants back into the R. Doing that will just make her think there is no point trying and off she'll go again. If you re read the "Asking for what you want" chapter of DR it specifies when and how to do this.

In addition, I would want her to say sorry. It sounds simple, but my W has never been able to admit she was wrong. Saying sorry doesn't come naturally to her and this would be a big step for her.

Again, this comes after quite a few months of piecing (in my experience). You have to put aside your need for the WAS to apologise until things are better. They know they did wrong and hurt you, you know it too. If you pieced together, and if she is anything like my H, she will apologise months down the line when things are better and it will be accompanied with "I can't believe I behaved like that/did that to you, I'm so sorry."

Hope this doesn't come across wrong, just that I read how your wife has started to soften and wish so much this was me and my H was softening, then I read your last post and thought, "NO! Please don't blow it now!"

Anyway, good luck. I'm in the UK too btw.