Updated/still thinking about next steps

[kyrie]

Zues kindly referred me back to here from "Thinking About It" forum - http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2634487#Post2634487
He summarized things pretty well, "Looks like you came here in the Summer, H was having an EA or possibly a PA, you are still living together, he denied it forever and then rug swept, is still addicted and depressed, and is blaming you for everything."

This Christmas, I made sure to get him a few things which I knew he wanted, he purchased a bunch of expensive items on his own as well. I did so without any expectations (but really, who doesn't want a gift??). I haven't said anything... but I have to admit I'm a bit pissed that he didn't even get one thing for me. Not surprised. It's been like that all year. At least, things weren't hostile most of the time until today, now that the break is over and I went back to work. I got a pissy email that "nothing changes" which is what he's said for months now.
I think that may be some effort to exact *more* effort out of me.
To review, I've tried detatching, backing off, GAL, etc. Maybe not 100% consistent - it's tough when he seems to soften and reach out; he seems to want to get past this & get piecing, etc. But then this depression/pathology rears its ugly head & it comes roaring back to bitter blaming, lashing out and pissy-ness towards me. No trigger - it just happens. Which leads me to think that I just need to quit altogether.

[kyrie]

What do you do in this sitch? He has no desire to change - only for me to change. I've made every effort and it is sooner or later met with vitriol and hate thrown in my face that I never change. It's brought me to the point of just plain quitting - either in-house separatation or more.
I have a feeling that's not the right choice...but what to do??? His manipulation and self-centeredness has no end.

[Zues126]

What do you do in this sitch? He has no desire to change - only for me to change. I've made every effort and it is sooner or later met with vitriol and hate thrown in my face that I never change. It's brought me to the point of just plain quitting - either in-house separatation or more.
I have a feeling that's not the right choice...but what to do??? His manipulation and self-centeredness has no end.

First off thanks for posting here. You will get much more traffic. I challenge you to post a minimum of 3-5 times per week and keep this going.

One thing I often wonder is what someone means when they say they're at the point of "quitting".

Does this mean legal action? Separation? Divorce? Entering a relationship with another man? I don't believe in going this route myself.

Or does this mean detaching, dropping all expectations, finding other ways to meet your emotional needs through GAL? This is exactly what I think DBing is about.

I think the key to DBing is quitting without quitting. Move forward with your life. Get to the point where your H's behavior is irrelevant to you, you are fulfilled in every other way on your own. So if he said he wants a D one day you'd just shrug and accept that it was time to let the legal paperwork catch up with the emotional work you've already done.

Of course in the meantime you stay true to your vows, keep serving your family, and in some ways continue to serve your H. Not out of expectation of appreciation or reciprocation, but because you believe that's the right thing for a strong woman to do.

This is the path of DB the best I understand it. It isn't easy because you have to take control of your emotions. Easier is quitting physically, because then you are FORCED to go through a grieving process, detach, let go, rebuild a new life. But if you can do this voluntarily on your end you will be prepared for whatever the future brings, and best of all you will give the chance for your M to revive at some point.

[kyrie]

Thanks Zues - you've been a really busy guy.
I guess I'm not 100% sure what I mean either. I don't want a divorce. Separation, in-house, I suppose is what I meant. I feel like I've tried as best as I can to do what you listed.
When I have, *sometimes* he's made some small effort which also includes a push for me to change and do more (which I need to do) but those things involve me being more submissive, doing even more than I already do (I do nearly all the housework, work full time & am the nearly-sole provider, pay the bills, etc.). All of which is NEVER EVER good enough. It's always "Do more, do better".
If I emotionally detach then I'm assaulted with all kinds of verbal/emotional punches and he digs in even more - accusing me of not meeting his emotional needs. There's been no real change. I've been in this hell for nearly a year.

[JellyB]

Kyrie,

There are many here in Newcomers who are in a similar position to you, with S who move goal posts at every turn, leaving them to with their heads spinning.

Zues gives great advice about posting often, on your own thread but also others.

You will find that you are not alone in your confusion, your emotional overwhelm and sense of isolation. You will also find that having a plan to keep yourself as well as happy as you can through this process is essential.

People here will offer love and support and a kind of companionship that is not currenlty available to you in your relationship.

Please be kind to yourself. Sometimes realising that no decisions have to be made right now is the best place to start. I find for myself that attempting to fix something sometimes provides more pain and frustration, than actually stepping back and observing the sitch. Sometimes doing nothing is doing something, and the exact something that needs to be done.

I am also a proponent of a inspired action. An action taken which feels easy and made with real commitment, and feels like a step or move toward something is often more successful than one that is made based on fear, hesitation and a move away from something.

You will find some peace, as V says I internet promise. It will come in dribs and drabs initially and you may not even notice it when it does. Over time you will have more and more moments of peace and your ability to see where you want to be and whom will come into view.

Take care on this journey Kyrie.

Much love

JellyBXXX

[kyrie]

Thanks JellyB. It's been nearly a year... it doesn't feel like anything will ever truely get better. I hear you about no decisions... but it feels like we're stuck in Groundhog Day/limbo/purgatory, unending.
What is an example of "inspired action"?

[JellyB]

Kyrie,

I don't know if you have come across Vanilla (V or Lady V). V is a warm, gentle, intelligentand special woman, who when I first arrived here soothed my rather tortured and devastated soul. I too talked about limbo and here is what she wrote to me

"So Limbo you mentioned that earlier in a post. Limbo is a holding place for innocents who have died without knowing their higher power, new borns for example. it is a good place of care and calm befitting innocents, a safe place. Innocents who need gentleness because of their lack of knowing." Vanilla

I guess this description lends itself to inspired action. I don't know what it is for other's, but inspired action has occurred for me, when I have let go of the outcome I want, and let go and let God or my high power lead me to the outcome I need. In my life it has occurred when everything that is needed for change (the circumstance, the right people, the right amount of money) have all come together at the right time. Everything aligns and decisions to take action come with ease.

You will read inspired actions on here. An opportunity where a someone has been able to say the right thing to their spouse at the right time in the right way. All their personal work came together in one moment to allow them freedom. The person is often not attached to the outcome of the moment, because they spoke their truth without fear of consequence.

You will read people making the decision to drop the rope or take an action that has previously been fraught with angst. If you read PigPen's thread. He is like the poster child for inspired action. He appears to be completely aligned to where he is supposed to be. If you read is threads you will see that inspired action is not necessarily about not feeling pain or indecision. It is however a path you are drawn to.

I feel the same about my own journey. I am exactly where I need to be.

If you are in limbo Kyrie, that would tell me that there is more preparation work that needs to be done. When you are ready to leave Limbo, you will know. It will feel like another hand or mommentum is moving you to a different place.

In the meantime, you are in Limbo, make the most of your time there. I found for myself that I could either fight it or I could make friends with it and make my time there useful. I decided that I wasn't going to go through all this pain and torture for nothing, there was going to be a reason for all of it. I guess what I discovered was the reason was ME.

I was the most precious outcome that I could and would have. My lesson through this awful bittersweet journey was my discovery of myself. When you are in Limbo, what you find is there is no one but you. You is all you have.

Sure having an amazing and present partner to share life with is a blessing, but it is just that a blessing, not a have too or an entitlement. But having me, myself and I well that is all you have.

At the moment you are looking around a seeing nothing there but H pulling away. But right there where you is this amazing person who will provide everything you need, if you just invite her into where you are in Limbo. And the really surprising thing to me, but obvious to everyone else around me, that the more you develop that relationship with her in this place of Limbo, the more likely you are to find a gorgeous partner who values you and loves you. Be that H or someone else.

I moved from Limbo and I now have what I call my Breathing Room. Here I am learning to live my life for me, to love me. This room can feel claustrophobic and small at times, but is safe, and comfortable. I am at the point of needing to renovate- a deck I think to let a little more of life in.

Kyrie, you feel you have been doing the work of saving your marriage for a year. And this a worthy a noble pursuit. I do however feel another question that would likely move you out of Limbo and closer to your end goal, could be What have you been doing to save yourself?

Kyrie, my story is very different to other's here - I can offer you a lot of love and support and my respect for you choosing to stand. There are however alot other posters here who have so much to offer you along this next part of your journey. Post on their threads and please keep posting.

This my dear friend is only the beginning.


Much Love (((Kyrie)


JellyB XXXX

[kyrie]

I guess I can't let go of wanting to be married...wanting the right thing for my family. Is that what you mean?
It's so hard when I know there are little tiny glimmers of hope here & there.
Tonight I saw that he was looking at passive-agressive books on Amazon. At first I thought he'd "recommend" them to me - he accuses me of that but it fits him more! But then I realized maybe he was considering them for himself. Dunno.
Save myself - I seriously have examined and repented of my many mistakes. I keep making many of them - usually when he assails me (emotionally).
And thank you. I don't want to do the wrong thing.

[kyrie]

What Zues wrote is very helpful - I think that's what I want...every night he assails me with wanting to "talk about things" but never "on your terms" (kyrie's terms, which means he has to be honest and not attack constantly). We're stuck in this cycle - we both know we need to talk, work through things, but he only attacks. Sometimes I just sat and listened, validated, etc. Sometimes he really wants me to react/respond and nothing less will satisfy - he'll keep poking the bear in order to get something to react to.

[ARose]

Kyrie, I think we are in a similar place, with the "spew" and the angry H and the being in limbo. In the last month or so I have come to the point where I am detaching, "dropping the rope" and it is starting to really click for me. It has taken me a VERY long time, this isn't easy, and I didn't find DB until 4 months in, and the journey is not a straight path. I have a few questions for you, to try to understand your situation a little better.

Can you give us a little bit of your history?
How long has this been going on?
What are your H's primary issues/complaints with you?
Have you tried marriage counseling?
Are you or your H in individual counseling?
Do you have children?
Have you read DB? Have you tried to implement any of the DB strategies yet?

Thank you for sharing your story, I think you will find that you have already received some amazing advice and the more you post and share the more you will benefit. I am sorry for your pain, but you are not alone and you are in a great place for support.