Peace, Happiness and a New Year

[mleigh4]

Yes! Yes Cali that is it. I deserve so much more than this train wreck of a ride that I never purchased a ticket for. I suppose that plays a big part in my emotions.

What frustrates me the most, about myself, is that I am trying to make sense out of a senseless MLC depression. I know better! All the tools I have learned fly right out the window and the emotions take over. I know I am human, but bigger and better than that.

And to clarify, as I journal here, when I talk about H "coming home" I mean emotionally, not physically. I mean his finding his way back home, to the love and comfort of his family.

What worries me, about me, is that I still hold a lot of anger and resentment in me. I still am not sure if I even want H back, or if I could forgive all the damage done. Sometimes I feel I just need to hear he messed up, to say, yes you did. And walk away. Horrible? Yes. But thoughts that go through me, along with just wanting my life and H back. It goes so back and forth in me, Sometimes I think I am as messed up as he is. Sometimes I think I am holding out to force him to finish what he started. Why should I do it and make it easy for him?

I am thinking of going back to IC again. I think I need help working through my deep repressed feelings of anger with H. I would want a different IC then I had last, as he kept pushing me to D H. I can tell a new one, right up front, today I choose to stand for my M and want to focus on me, not him. I think I need some help navigating through my emotions.

Cali, always love when you stop by. I too hope you had a nice Christmas, I thought of your family throughout the day