So after the whole blow up a few weeks ago, I went 1 week on the couch, then another week where W was pretty guarded, to this past week W was actually pleasant ... somewhat talkative and here and there even playful.
So last Thursday I was at work, W was with S and doing their thing .. last minute shopping and Santa visit .. all that. We closed up early so I took that bonus time to go get my haircut. I have been a bit more focused on my looks lately I think part just to increase my personal PMA a bit more and partly because I gained back a good chunk of that DB weight, hard to explain but there is something brewing with this and I think its due to the fact I am living with a MLC'r whom does not see me in that romatitic/attractive light ... just as an A can destroy self esteem, the long on going months of no physical interaction too has a way of doing this and I realized on some self reflecting that I need to just do this for me, for my own confidence.
So after I came home and W, S and I went to Mass Christmas Eve, on our way out, as tradition ( minus the past 2 years) I 'forgot something' ran back in the house and pulled out all the gifts, ate the Santa cookies, and took the elf on the shelf down, left his letter and was looking for a good place to hide the little guy ... found a red/white bag in the closet and went to put him in there. Upon doing this ... there was a card inside, not sure but assuming W had bought this some time ago (she will often buy cards like this .. stash them and never send them) anyways this was obviously for OM, did get me spinning a bit and yeah .. hurt to read .. was along the lines of "When I want to see your face - I just look at the picture I took of you in the shower, I miss you" All pre-printed and she had not written anything ... anyways not the type of thing one would wnat to read as he is on his way with his family for Christmas Mass ..... I really thought about how to handle this, I decided 48 hours ... realizing I was spinning a bit .. 48 hours and I would think about it then. W asked me what was wrong when I got in the car, in my head I wanted to blast her .. but instead I faked a stomach ache due to the rush of cookies and milk. We went to Mass, then came home to see what Santa had left. S was a pretty happy boy, I did well with W's gifts ... she seemed to really like everything. I was actually surprised as she bought me a few thoughtful things ... all on sale mind you and she did not spend much .. but the items were at least thoughtful. The rest of the weekend we went out on a few drives, Saturday with the in-laws where Cali2.0 is much more comfortable and I spent the evening talking with FIL and BIL till W told me it was time to go .... I used to pretty much keep to myself and could not wait to leave. Sunday ... I woke early as usual and walked the dog but then decided to go to the early Mass, as I was getting dressed W asked where I was going and she said "But we already went Thursday" I smiled and said "I know .. I just feel like going, you and S can stay and sleep in" she asked me to come into bed for just a little bit, not in the way you would want .. she was cold and I am the portable heater in times like this, not complainint atleast I do get a little snuggle time here and there (table scraps I know). After I came back we went to see Star Wars (ok ok .. not going to say anything). After I had told W that we could get grocieries then I needed some time in the garage to organize a bit. At the store as we were about to check out the checker came to us and move us to his newly opened lane .... he was very similar looking to OM ... it triggered me a bit but I was shaking it off just as W asked me a question S ran to ma and gave me a big bear hug .... seems this may have triggered him too .. or was just a random hug but W's demeanor totally changed, shook it off and loaded up the car, even joked about a guy talking to his son ... home we went, without an episode.
All in all a good peaceful weekend, W had 3-4 spew moments where I was quick to disguard it, tell her I would not be spoken to in such ways and each time she apologized pretty quickly ... progress I suppose.
Journal/Observations: So I have been reading a bit, sipping on the STFU smoothies as W was sharing some of her youth during our drives... and have been putting pieces together in regards to my W. She definately fits the profiling for a MLCr, her parents were completely nuts as far as overreacting/controling/critical ... she is the youngest out of 5 and her oldest brother is the "Golden-Child" ... she was never allowed to date, and when she did it was escorted by her father or one of the brothers, one instant she told me was a older guy she worked with asked her out and her father not only forbid her dating the guy, he made her quit and find a new job. The choice in OM making more sense as he is the same type of person W was never allowed to talk to let alone date.
On the Science side of this ... months ago when she started seeing a new person to help with some physical ailments... this therapist is like a wellness/life coach person .... again ... MLCr looking for a fix to her happiness, anyways she siad that W had very high levels of Cortisol and she could tell this by the lines on W's back. Now reading up on this I am not sure one can see it by the lines in a back... however if you are not familiar with what it is its a hormone the body releases through the adrenal glands when the person is under stress, in W's case over the years this has been a frequent thing. Guess what the #1 negative effect of High Cortisol is ... yup .... Impaired Cognitive Performance. I happened upon a Ted Talk and he was discussin this, and things I have read on depression, MLC, and Cortisol ... it all made so much more sense ... this is the Fog, it also can explain the memory that seems to be so terrible .. even still is in my W's case. Thinking about this, its taken years for all this to reach levels where it physically is impacting W, and I would guess its going to take time for it to drop to a level that her head clears up because even now she will ask about something, then ask about it again minutes later like its a new question.
So ... thats about where W is, as far as me ... I have just been going through things, in the back of my mind I ask how much longer I have the strenght, patience and wisdom to stand as its obvious to me W is still about about W, as M suggests I do think she wants me around as a safety net, a security blanket, but its hard to be just considered a roomate with added benefits. I realized Sunday during a light-hearted moment that no one can replace what we have as far as a family ... remove me its not the same, conversely remove her its not the same either ... the 3 of us together are the only family each of us really ever has known ... gave me peace for that moment and maybe thats Gods way of nudging me to keep going. So thats what I am doing ... as the saying goes ... I may quit but it is not going to be today.
Another thing about MLC ... I may have read it here ... or elsewhere but it really struck a chord with me and may help a few of you as we have to realize its their journey, they must do the work on their own and their own pace and there is NOTHING we can do about that .. nor shoud we I leave you with this: A man found a cocoon of a butterfly. One day a small opening appeared. He sat and watched the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force its body through that little hole. Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could, and it could go no further.
So the man decided to help the butterfly. He took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon.
The butterfly then emerged easily. But it had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings.
The man continued to watch the butterfly because he expected that, at any moment, the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to support the body, which would contract in time.
Neither happened! In fact, the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings. It never was able to fly.
What the man, in his kindness and haste, did not understand was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle required for the butterfly to get through the tiny opening were God’s way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon.
Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our lives. If we go through our lives without any obstacles, it would cripple us. We would not be as strong as what we could have been. We could never fly!
