After bomb drop, I was told once that I was not allowed to go to the river when Bubbles, her family, some friends of theirs, and H went because H "wanted to enjoy his time there". I actually get it.
Then he went up a few weekends later and spoke with me (him calling me, me calling him)6 times, telling me no one was planning on coming up. Then Bubbles' sister dropped by to pick something up and asked why I wasn't up with there "everyone". I ended up crying on her shoulder and telling her everything, including my suspicions about her sister and H. She hasn't treated me the same since. Not bad, just cordial. I understand that, too.
The reason I need to get this off my chest is this. I have thought long and hard about my actions regarding the "social group".
I enjoy their company. Part of the group (including Bubbles) are my book club. Part are H's clients or staff. I am realizing that their are other people I want to trust and get closer to, and that MOST of this group will just be people I can do things with but will not move closer than that.
If H and I decide to move forward together, a big if right now, they will be in my life. I am learning to let go and look past what has gone on. I don't know what happened between Bubbles and H. I firmly believed that if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it aint no turtle.
But I have tried to look at the situation from a different perspective, and have observed her behavior around other men, including one with whom she was best friends in HS and who married her best female friend. She is a flirt and is very comfortable playing both ditzy, helpless, party girl as well as capable, serious, hardworking woman.
I don't blame her ...completely. I can get past that.
It will be harder to do with H. I can see how feeling, convincing himself,that I didn't like him caused all bets to be off, in his head. That he lied, not just to get away with something (whatever it was) but to keep from hurting me (again) and thus keep me from hurting him(again).
So anyway, I want this out there, out of my head and then done with. I'm welcoming all thoughts, ideas, 2x4s, and epiphanies. And then I think I can truly detach.
On a good note, I HAVE NOT CALLED HIM.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
Deep sighs- I hope you feel better getting that off your chest. Certainly from a readers perspective, it's not a nice story to hear and I'm sorry you went through all that. Blech!
And what the heck happens with all the friends after bd? H is more social than me so he ran to our friends after BD and now I don't have relationships with any of them. Wtf did he say to them???? What story are they hearing? Am I an evil monster in their eyes??? I've reached out and gotten nothing in return. Similarly, nobody has reached out to me with an "in sorry to hear about you and h." I always wonder what his side of the story is because I've heard a dozen different stories about our own downfall. It's definitely extremely frustrating!!!
now that you've vented it here, don't let it take up the valuable real estate in your brain. Easier said than done- I know- but there's nothing you can do about it. You're much to special to let that poison you up.
Enjoy the rest of your day!
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
If you had given me the account I just gave, from what I have learned over the years is...people are selfish; impulsive; blind to their own actions in the moment, but have crystal clear vision in hindsight; want to be worshipped, adored, and made to feel special; and can behave very, very, badly because of this.
I hate gossip shows and magazines because they take what is out there on camera or video and interpret it in the most dramatic and unflattering way because that's what people want to hear. I have had news stories and gossip written about family members and friends that was later proven to be untrue, but damaging all the same.
So, I immediately jumped to the conclusion that an affair was happening right there in font of me and attacked. I know that is what most people will do. But that hindsight...I wonder if that quacking duck-like thing might have been a parrot, a loon, or a goose? The problem is...I don't know.
H has said at one point that he wanted to be done with me because he was tired of hurting me. I am interested in seeing if I can get past that point, the being hurt when ever I think of them together. Is she just a friend, someone he needed when he felt he didn't have me? Is he just another guy friend to help her or hang out with when her H is not available? The conference/ski trip thing really has me wondering. I can take it at face value (affair) or leave it open because I really don't know and risk being called stupid. But it really doesn't matter at this point, really. I was hurt, am hurt, just the same. And I have an H that still says he did nothing but ski and do meals with her, as if that makes it ok.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
I can only speak from my own experience. Your sitch with your H, mirrors a lot of my first relationship with Mr M.
I hope you will indulge me, while I make a paralle. I may be seeing things that are not there.
I met lovely Mr M, an avid cyclist. His best cycling buddy was a woman. She had provided him friendship, support and companionship while he recovered from the break up of his 10 year relationship with his lovely ex - his partner before me.
Anyway this female cycling friend I will call her BB and I became good friends over the time I was with Mr M. I was never able to ride like BB, I rode my bike instead with other partners and wives of the people Mr M rode with. Mr M and BB had been away on a number of cycling trips before we met and this did not change after Mr M started seeing each other.
To cut a long story short, my ex and I were having a had time. I like you found Mr M cycling circle fun and enjoyed participating, but they were really his friends and I kinda tagged along more than anything. I'm not a big or partier and after long days cycling, there would be a long night of drinking and socialising. I participated because Mr M enjoyed it so much and I loved seeing him happy. BB was a big socialiser and loved drinking it up after a long days riding. I always felt on the outside. I was always the first to bed.
Anway one particular Christmas Mr M had another fight about him not making time for "us" time (or rather Quality time for me - one of my love languages). Mr M and I had agreed we would spend New Years together. I did however had plans to spend sometime at the beach while he stayed in Auckland, I was to return for New Years. Due to the fight Mr M told me he was going to stay at home and not do anything for New Years. He apparently wasn't up for it. Well low and behold who do you think Mr M spent New Years with out on the town socialising. Yip BB. I was gutted to say the least.
A few days later Mr and I worked through some things. We went to BBQ at BB's place and when she was quite drunk said to me " are you angry at me that I spent new years with Mr M?". I asked her "should I be". She said "I know it kinda wasn't cool. I hope you can forgive me." I thought it best to leave this sitch in past and move forward. This incident did however change my view of Mr and BB. I realised that at that point BB new that there was a level of intimacy about their relationship that wasn't right.
Some months later Mr M and I had broken up at this time. I was invited to a mutual friends birthday where Mr M and BB were present. Mr M was very flirty with me and his interest reignited. Mr M asked my for coffee the two days after. He made declarations about how he missed me, how he had all these feelings for me etc, but also talked about how BB had ended up in his bed (no sex apparently) the night of the birthday party, and he had declared to her how much he liked her and she apparently told him that she did not feel the same, however wanted to continue their friendship.
What I realised Cil, was that for months, the anxiety I had been feeling, the distance, my insecurity had all been spot on. There had been a third person in my relationship the whole time.
This is such a chicken and egg sitch. Was I insecure to begin with, regardless of BB being on the scene or was I insecure because of BB and Mr M's relationship. For the answer doesn't matter much anymore.
But what I do know is this. There are boundaries that we as human beings need to keep when in friendships with people of the opposite sex. Your H and Bubbles have crossed them. As did Mr M and BB. I have a friendship now with Mr M. He is in a new relationship. We have the occasional text message and phone and yesterday he popped into to see me to wish me happy christmas. Our contact can never be anything more than this. We are both acutely aware of what a third party can do a relationship. I am pleased to see he has learned his lesson.
Look I understand your need to accept a level of responsibility to how you behaved and what you did. I did all the same things. But was is equally necessary to see is H has overstepped the boundaries with you as his W in two ways. Firstly to place other social engagements and relationships as a priority above his marriage and secondly to not hear you and look to a resolution about the insecurity related to Bubbles. There is no need to know if H has been in an EA or PA with Bubbles. The fact is he let a third person into a two person marriage. The fact he can't see that and you accept responsibility for it is a concern for me.
I am sorry if I have not understood completely or shared too much or was harsh. But please be careful that you don't minimise his behaviours. Because should you reunite, this will be a defining issue to get some resolution over. How does H have a social life with friends that are woman and you feel safe and secure, not he is going to stay within the lines.
Your WH behaviour is wholly inappropriate for a married man, even if this is 'only' friendship.
A major boundary for me would be for WH to cease this behaviour sooner rather than later.
Cil, can you find friends who are yours alone. Those you do not introduce into this pack circle and who are not part of it?
Certainly posting here will give you a new perspective that you are recommended to keep to yourself. This board is for you.
I would like you to consider reading co-dependent no more and see if something shakes down.
Jellyb Mr M behaviour was also inappropriate.
This is their choice of behaviour. These type of Rs, are referred to as triangulation.
I will find the post and put it as a link. I believe this is a safety behaviour by your WH to avoid the fear of abandonment. For you being part of this sort of a triangle is completely damaging. Your WH may also be co-dependent on bubbles, it's possible.
Ciluzen - my H has a friend like that. I was offended last year when she called him on a family trip to wish him a happy holiday (the one we were celebrating on the family trip.) I wanted to know why she felt comfortable calling my H. He insisted it was no big deal - they are just friends.
Since BD, he's taken her to, and picked her up from, the hospital for surgery. He takes her son to school. He is regularly involved in her family celebrations. The thing is, I know they are friends. She is currently living with his best friend, and there's no way he would want to mess that up.
My point then and now, is that a married man has no business being so involved in another woman's life, especially one he's not married to. He did far more for her than he ever did for me. She also had a lot to say in support of him ending our M. She's only heard his side of the tale, which makes me look like an evil witch, but she has way too much influence in his decisions, and it's inappropriate.
She made up a fake Facebook page about a fake girlfriend of H's just to torment me. H knew all about it. She had an entire circle of people involved in the deception. What on earth is that about? She's 28 to my H's 50. I think he's really enjoying living like a teenager. He really envies his best friend his young, lively girlfriend.
There is not one single thing I did that improved the situation. I just made him cling to her more to protect her from me and what I had to say about their friendship.
Whether your H is physically involved with her or not is really beside the point. The point is, it is an inappropriate relationship. She is taking what should be your place in major life events and decisions.
I would be (and am, in my case) upset about it, too. But getting H to see his wrong is nearly impossible. Unless he wants to see it - but that is the problem. He's in love with some fantasy of what he thinks his life is going to be like.
I really feel your pain and confusion here. You can only work on yourself with this one. You have to make yourself shine. Bringing her up in any way will only make him want to shield her. It sux, but that has been my reality.
I hope that helps a little - knowing you're not alone in this. In my case, the female friend really liked his OW, too. She made my H "happy", so why would he want to go back to me? This friend is the number one reason (her opinion) why H is unwilling to work on the M. He doesn't want to disappoint her by choosing me.
Thank you, everyone, for your stories and insights. This thank you is really very heartfelt, I want you all to know. You are helping me to grow immensely.
My reason for finally posting about the relationship between them was not just to unburden myself. I really wanted to hear someone outside of my head weigh in on that part of the situation and share anything that might help me to understand my own mixed up feelings.
In my head I have gone over the top as a poor, wretched, helpless victim; a nagging, sniveling, selfish wife; a misunderstood, friendless introvert; and an angry, bullying harpy. I've blamed him. I've blamed her. I've blamed myself.
I still love him and even like him; just not his damaging behaviors.
I have been doing DB and noticing what seems to work and what doesn't. I'm trying to not pursue and will not bring up R (nothing good has come from that). I am learning to just let him vent...his vent session before Christmas was a lot about Bubbles mistakes and ineptitude at the office and with her kids. Maybe he can monstrasize her for awhile and make her the source of his unhappiness if I'm not around. I'm trying to GAL. I'm glad I have church on Sundays that has very warm and welcoming people. I'm not very religious, but I enjoy the peace and people. I've attended meetups with fun and interesting people who share my interests. I've been doing my "homework" plus more, trying to understand what happened and what is happening to our once loving partnership. I'm trying to learn what I need to change personally in my communication style and way I appear to others (why I haven't become close friends with anyone, really). I am, to that end, choosing happy; at least when around others.
VANILLA- Thank you for the triangulation link. It is very helpful in this instance. To that end, I will not give up book club with the social group just yet. I don't know what, if anything, is being said about this situation, but I want to show the "happy" busy me to those in close contact with H. They will here about my fun and full life. For now.
FEYTH-I don't know where all the friends go. But in my instance, as per Vanilla's link, H has more to offer that group. H has a fun-filled vacation home where there is always a party; is a very helpful, favor extending man; he provides a paycheck and fun business trips; I was just along for the ride...who would YOU chose to side with or support?
JELLYB and ANCAIRE- Thank you for sharing your stories. I'm not taking all of the blame, just working through the emotions that come with each insight, emotion, or epiphany as they come. At this point, I am more dedicated than ever to end my pursuing behavior.
INPAIN- I treasure your sympathy and feedback, as we are strength buddies, remember?
ZUES- Wherever you are...thanks for the loving 2x4s.
I am getting my support resources in place (these boards are a strong one) and learning day by day. I'm doing the work. What happens, happens. I'm interested to see what unfolds and am willing to roll with it and then continue working some more.
I always felt a sense of safety and security in my relationship with H; it has taken a few hits and wavered as the years have gone on. Losing it completely after bomb drop caused the earth to drop away from my feet. But I'm learning, slowly, to adjust to floating in space. Maybe soon I can fly.
Cilu is getting her zen back.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
If you had lived closure I really think you and I would have alot of fun together. I also enjoy your intellect and soulful energy. Please don't hide yourself away, a friendship with you would be a delight!
INPAIN- I treasure your sympathy and feedback, as we are strength buddies, remember?
I always felt a sense of safety and security in my relationship with H; it has taken a few hits and wavered as the years have gone on. Losing it completely after bomb drop caused the earth to drop away from my feet. But I'm learning, slowly, to adjust to floating in space. Maybe soon I can fly.
Cilu is getting her zen back.
You're more than welcome Ciluzen! I'm so grateful we can be strength buddies. I think you're doing an amazing job at GAL and detaching. I love your last line about getting your zen back. Hang on in there and keep those positive changes going!
I called H to inform him that our power was out (luckily the outage was only a few hours) and that we had some large trees fall and block the road to our shop. He had planned on removing some office equipment that he was storing in there to install it in his office this weekend or next.
This prompted him talking about how big the outage was (lots of clients coming in telling about it) and how Bubbles had to take the day off work because they finally had theirs turned on and she wanted to clean everything before they lost it again. I stayed somewhat upbeat and listened, then ended the conversation.
After hanging up, I ended up replaying things in my head that he had said (how he had spent Saturday night at vacation home after skiing, how Bubbles and kids had skied with him Saturday, how her husband kept calling giving updates on when power would be back on).
Stupid me, I called back under pretense of asking about how to reset thermostat and casually asked if Bubbles and kids had also gone to VH. He said she had, just to do laundry. I'm still bothered by this. He still sees nothing wrong with this. Neither does she, apparently. I know. Detach. Its all on me.
Still, its discouraging.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
