New Year, New Attitude

[ciluzen]

Thank you, everyone, for your stories and insights. This thank you is really very heartfelt, I want you all to know. You are helping me to grow immensely.

My reason for finally posting about the relationship between them was not just to unburden myself. I really wanted to hear someone outside of my head weigh in on that part of the situation and share anything that might help me to understand my own mixed up feelings.

In my head I have gone over the top as a poor, wretched, helpless victim; a nagging, sniveling, selfish wife; a misunderstood, friendless introvert; and an angry, bullying harpy. I've blamed him. I've blamed her. I've blamed myself.

I still love him and even like him; just not his damaging behaviors.

I have been doing DB and noticing what seems to work and what doesn't.
I'm trying to not pursue and will not bring up R (nothing good has come from that).
I am learning to just let him vent...his vent session before Christmas was a lot about Bubbles mistakes and ineptitude at the office and with her kids. Maybe he can monstrasize her for awhile and make her the source of his unhappiness if I'm not around.
I'm trying to GAL. I'm glad I have church on Sundays that has very warm and welcoming people. I'm not very religious, but I enjoy the peace and people.
I've attended meetups with fun and interesting people who share my interests.
I've been doing my "homework" plus more, trying to understand what happened and what is happening to our once loving partnership. I'm trying to learn what I need to change personally in my communication style and way I appear to others (why I haven't become close friends with anyone, really). I am, to that end, choosing happy; at least when around others.

VANILLA- Thank you for the triangulation link. It is very helpful in this instance. To that end, I will not give up book club with the social group just yet. I don't know what, if anything, is being said about this situation, but I want to show the "happy" busy me to those in close contact with H. They will here about my fun and full life. For now.

FEYTH-I don't know where all the friends go. But in my instance, as per Vanilla's link, H has more to offer that group. H has a fun-filled vacation home where there is always a party; is a very helpful, favor extending man; he provides a paycheck and fun business trips; I was just along for the ride...who would YOU chose to side with or support?

JELLYB and ANCAIRE- Thank you for sharing your stories. I'm not taking all of the blame, just working through the emotions that come with each insight, emotion, or epiphany as they come. At this point, I am more dedicated than ever to end my pursuing behavior.

INPAIN- I treasure your sympathy and feedback, as we are strength buddies, remember?

ZUES- Wherever you are...thanks for the loving 2x4s.

I am getting my support resources in place (these boards are a strong one) and learning day by day. I'm doing the work. What happens, happens. I'm interested to see what unfolds and am willing to roll with it and then continue working some more.

I always felt a sense of safety and security in my relationship with H; it has taken a few hits and wavered as the years have gone on. Losing it completely after bomb drop caused the earth to drop away from my feet. But I'm learning, slowly, to adjust to floating in space. Maybe soon I can fly.

Cilu is getting her zen back.