Azzork, thank you, that's a great way to put it - I do indeed start doing and feeling all the things I know I shouldn't when I sit around at home too long.
The last several days have been....okay. H continues to be, or at least appear, all in. I am still having a hard time. About 75% of the time I can behave somewhat normally, but the other 25% I am tormented by my thoughts. I struggle back and forth between wondering whether I am just letting my own pride mess with my head and keep me from moving forward, or whether I am a fool for even trying to believe him when I feel like he never really felt enough of a sense of "loss".
I have not checked on him since mid-week last week. He voluntarily showed me the phone bill (I didn't ask) online to show me that he hasn't been in touch with OW at all since that last phone conversation over two weeks ago. And yes, seeing as prior to this he was literally unable to go more than maybe a day or two without contacting her, I can see that this is significant. He has sworn that he will not be back in touch with her, that he recognizes what a terrible mistake she was, and that he wants to leave 2015 behind and make 2016 the year he proves himself to me and earns me back, that he aspires to be half the person he thinks I am.
In short, all stuff that three months ago I literally prayed he would tell me. I know that he is sincere, even if I were to find out he slipped in texting her or calling her once more, because I have come to see that he is an addict. The intelligent side of me knows this. It's the emotional side of me that becomes so angry and spiteful that he didn't do it "my way". That he insisted on weaning himself off of her rather than breaking things off cold turkey as I insisted on multiple times. I just wish I'd handled myself and the situation very differently from the beginning, so that I could feel more sure of myself now.
I just don't know how to get out of my own way now and move forward. The only conclusion I could come to is to remember that the solution or outcome is what is important, not necessarily the path that got me here. And the only way I will ever feel good and confident again 24/7 is to do exactly what is recommended here - the whole GAL thing. I need to work on myself so that I KNOW that I am a catch, that I have the ability to take care of myself if need be, and that I have options. Up until recently, I wanted to do that to prove those things to HIM. So that HE would know that I have the option of walking out if he ever betrays me like that again. But now I know that it has to be done for ME. I can't control what he may think, what he may believe. But if I KNOW that I've built myself into a person I'm proud of, confident in, and that I KNOW that if he doesn't treat me well and doesn't remain faithful from here on out, that I'll be capable of walking away if I decide to do so, and there may well be someone out there only too happy to treat me well.
This whole thing - while intensely painful - has helped take me off autopilot not just in my marriage, but in my life. I honestly never gave much thought to what I stood for, what my needs are, whether I was living a life of purpose, whether I was giving enough to my relationships, any of that. Now I've been forced to start combing through my life and I see where complacency, ignorance, and just lack of attention allowed so many things to stagnate or to grow "bacteria". I never thought much about infidelity, despite the fact that I was faithful for 21 years. Now I know that being faithful, and expecting the same, is one of my top requirements. I now know that all relationships take work and can't just be left to morph on their own or they may just morph into something you don't want. This goes for relationships with family and friends as well.
So backing up, I decided that whether I think I want to stay married or whether I decide in six months to leave after all, my action plan will be the same - work on myself. I am in no position to leave right now. And if my marriage can be saved, that's what I want. I just hope I can get out of my head and sidestep my pride and spiteful feelings enough to concentrate on what's really important.
To that end, are there any good GAL threads? I have tried searching, but GAL isn't a viable search term (too short) and I haven't found anything yet. I need ideas.
