Thanks V... not exactly what I was expecting to get into but I think this has affected my relationship. I am also reading No More Mr Nice Guy and everything is getting tied together.
First, my dad was not abusive or stumbling around all the time. He is alcohol dependent or a functional alcoholic I would say. In NMMNG they talk of boys wanting to be different than their fathers in this situation. For my brother, that means no alcohol, he won't touch the stuff. For me, I think it means having a better relationship with my partner. My parents marriage stinks. There is no affection, my dad really neglected my mom, and my mom, inturn showed little affection back and it became a sad cycle. My wife even mentioned that this might be an issue for me and I kind of agree (she has witnessed their relationship since she was 15, she knows). I desperately want a deep emotional connection with my wife or future partner. I just have never witnessed it so I have to develop the knowledge on my own. I believe this is the root of the issue currently with my wife and the specific things she mentions as being the problems (lack of chemistry/ passion etc) are the symptoms.
It is just hard watching him basically kill himself. This is what I have detached from. I cannot control it, I cannot stop it.
I don't mind answering these questions...
Originally Posted By: Vanilla
The thirteen characteristics are 1. Adult children of alcoholics guess at what normal behavior is.
maybe in some ways. I think my childhood was normal but I do not think my parents relationship was normal or healthy. That is what I grew up with and how I became wired. I want to change that. I do not want to be that way with my wife.
2. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty following a project through from beginning to end. I don't think this describes me
3. Adult children of alcoholics lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth. this is not me
4. Adult children of alcoholics judge themselves without mercy. this is probably true. For my MBA, I took an objectivity course. Turns out my mental model is 'not being good enough' despite being very athletic, acing school and getting the highest marks in my reviews at work. I always think it is either undeserved or I could be better. I am sure this crept into my relationship particularly in the sex department. Low confidence there and my wife did not want to talk about it because it was uncomfortable for her and she thinks everything should just be natural.
5. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty having fun.
I don't think this is true of me
6. Adult children of alcoholics take themselves very seriously.
this is true though I am getting better at this.
7. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty with intimate relationships.
This is true. This is the one thing (I believe) my wife wants more than anything else. I need to figure out how to get to that level. I want it. My parents just do not have it.
8. Adult children of alcoholics overreact to changes over which they have no control.
I don't think this is true of me (in general I am talking, things to do with WW I may overreact)
9. Adult children of alcoholics constantly seek approval and affirmation.
maybe true
10. Adult children of alcoholics usually feel that they are different from other people.
no I don't feel that way
11. Adult children of alcoholics are super responsible or super irresponsible.
I am very responsible
12. Adult children of alcoholics are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that the loyalty is undeserved.
yes true
13. Adult children of alcoholics are impulsive. They tend to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences. This impulsively leads to confusion, self-loathing and loss of control over their environment. In addition, they spend an excessive amount of energy cleaning up the mess.
I don't think so but maybe
Did dad ever recover or atone?
nope he is still going strong although he does *seem* to be drinking less now but maybe he just hides it better. It was bad 2-3 years ago. He had quadruple by pass about 8 months ago so he had to stop drinking for a while. I told him it was a great time to quit.. didn't matter
For the lurker amoung us these characteristics are said to apply to children of all addicts and abused children, those from care and child carers of HIV parents. It is very tough to be child in these circumstances. So this book is absolutely wonderful for help us have insight into behaviour. I am using the list for my PTSD recovery. I am not a child of this but a recovering abuse target.
V
I'll look into the book. I am learning a lot. I have the NMMNG and the 5 love languages to go but this one could be after that.
I really think my wife and I could have a fantastic future, but it would take a lot of work on both of our ends.
