Weeding and watering

[mustardseed]

Merry Christmas to all. I hope it was a peaceful and joyful Christmas.

This was the third Christmas I've had since this whole mess started. And I have to say, it started of incredibly frustrating. All of my things that I assumed I would have by now never came. He wields a lot of power because of it. I think I finally had the switch flipped inside me that finally made me see the truth in why I need to let go of it all for now. I was so cranky Christmas eve knowing I was hosting Christmas Eve dinner with lots of expectations from 40 years worth of family tradition. H stood high on his icy cliff, staring down at my Who family with his too tight shoes and his too small heart--in his sled was all of the things I hoped I would have by this day. My grandmother's furniture being a big piece of it all.

In addition, I am not the only one displaced this year. A short time before Christmas my sister, myself, and my two aunts were cracking up at the realization that all of us are displaced. Me and one aunt both going through D and separated. Neither of us in our marital homes. My sister and other aunt are in temporary living situations as while work is done on their homes to prevent another storm disaster like what the suffered during Sandy.

As we were trying to plan for Christmas Eve talking about all of the different pieces of the puzzle we needed to pull of the traditions we all have grown to love, we realized how much of it we did not have access to the year. It was funny, but also frustrating. Add to that the fact that I committed to sing at the 4:00 Christmas Eve service which meant reporting an hour earlier. Smack dab in the middle of the day while I still had I had a crazy amount of last minute preparation to complete before my company showed up. I was in one cranky, bitter, bah humbug mood.

Then H decided to pull a stunt claiming he was picking up the kids that night, rather than Christmas morning. It might have been miscommunication. Nothing was in writing. But it was enough to shake me up. So as I was finishing my shopping, wrapping, preparing the house, cooking, getting ready to sing I was trying to get in touch with my L to clarify the arrangement. I was correct. It pissed H off and he tried to get a little control freak jab in there by having some ridiculous stipulation about where I was allowed to be when he picks them up. But that jab had a totally different effect on me than the jabs in the past--because I finally realized that that showed his weakness. He was acting like a sore loser. That was all it was plain and simple. I know it has been told to me over and over again, but it was really hard to truly believe it until this point.

I sang in church. Still cranky because I had so much to do. Because most of the choir showed up late and the director was annoyed, which made me regret agreeing to do it in the first place (even though I wasn't late and it wasn't directed at me, it still annoyed me). I sat bitter during rehearsal vowing to myself never to agree to do this again. Distracted by everything that needed to get done at home. Knowing my kids were home and I couldn't be with them because I agreed to this (and they did not want to go).

Then the service started. And the message of Christmas once again amazed me. Leave all of your possessions--because it is not about that. It isn't about the tradition. It isn't about the food and the gifts. It is about peace, and good will, and hope, and LOVE. And I left the service feeling in the Christmas spirit and with the Whoville Song "Welcome Christmas" in my head.

And we had a wonderful evening. And Santa came--3x for my kids. Once after dinner, once during sleep, and once at H's house. And the most amazing thing was that all of the kids helped clean up after dinner. There was no whining to open gifts. Not complaining about the dinner. There is something about my new home that feels so bright and harmonious. So different from the marital home, which was always dark and cluttered. I felt my heart grow three sizes. It will all be ok. I believe that. I just need to stay focused on God's will, not mine. I need to stop being distracted by what H is doing, even when he is doing it to me.

I had some heart to hearts with S and D. S opened up to me about some of his hard times. A lot of it deals with his relationship with H which has always been kind of strained. Now with the scary events that went down, coupled with H's attempts to keep all information away from the kids (not to protect them but to make it easier to keep his secrets) S is struggling with trust. S is also very protective of me, and I want to make sure that he does not let his desire to take sides effect their relationship. I am glad S came to me when I was feeling the spirit of Christmas, because things might have gone differently if I was still feeling bitter.

It took me a moment to decide how to approach it. I am in this awkward place of not wanting to let my feelings about H effect theirs, but at the same time if our suspicions are correct I want them to be on guard when the deal with him.

My advice to him was that the way to handle trusting someone else is to first learn to trust yourself. You need to get to a point where your can trust your instincts and recognize when boundaries are being crossed. I told him that I am just learning how to do this now, and that he should talk to his IC about it to help him. I then complimented him on how helpful he is and how I appreciate the responsibility he has taken when he is with me. He makes sure the doors are locked before bed.He takes out the garbage. Both of them are always helping with clean up after dinner. I told him he reminds me of his father in that way. He has the best parts of his father and I love that about him.

But then I said, you are never obligated to trust anyone if it doesn't feel right, but make sure you are being true to yourself. I then gave some examples of times when I felt obligated to be nice to someone when it didn't feel right. There was an incident with a coworker that happened last week, where I let my fear of hurting the guys feelings or embarrassing him trump the fact that the situation made me feel uncomfortable and embarrassed.

I really hope that what I said accomplished what I wanted to. I really hope that he left knowing he was allowed to love his dad despite what has happened. That is dad has a lot of very good aspects. But also that he doesn't have to allow his boundaries to be blurred because of that love.

D is a little more complicated. She is so optimistic all of the time and always smiles, but every night she cried and kept saying, "I'm so sad but I don't know why." I just hugged her and said "it is ok to be sad. Things are different and we are allowed to miss the way they were and the way we wish they could be. But new things are coming and they will also be good."

They are in that transitional time. Adolescence is hard enough without having to deal with this major life change. I am going to make it a point from here on in to stay focused on the example I am setting in how I get through this, rather than letting myself get distracted by the fear and anger it is causing. Time to stay on my side of the street and let him deal with his.

The kids are with H now, so I will set a timer to allow for 20 minutes of wallowing in the loss I feel every time they leave, then to move on and make the most of the next few days without them.