WW, My Addiction, Patience is HARD

[trumpet]

Update time.

Had a good Christmas Eve with wife and my in-laws. I did hug my MIL and told her I love her, and at the same time I wanted to put a knife in her back for suggesting to her daughter that she should just divorce me... but of course the knife was in my mind.

W didn't want to come to my parent's, so it was just me and kids. Had a good time, but was a little different than past years, as I have an aunt who can't drive, and was in from Kenosha. She watched the kids open presents. We also had a family get-together from my mom's side - she was one of 15 kids, so there is always a reunion of sorts every Christmas. The funny thing is no one asked where my W was - so I think my mom must have told a few, who told a few, and everyone was scared to ask.

Family went out to eat on Sat. night. Had a good time. We keep having good days and good moments, but then I get all stupid and expect my W to take another step with me. Instead, the time together is all she can muster, and then wants time away... no R talk, no M talk, just small moments together.

We did have a bit of a dust-up on Sunday - the keylogger software got de-installed, but I did check a couple things on her PC, and found that OM had sent pictures on Christmas, and my wife responded. Sent me for a loop. W went to work on Sunday, avoiding me and the kids, and then put her phone on mute so we couldn't contact her. That put the spin a little faster as well - could she be talking with OM?

We had a talk last night, and she finally admitted that she's in love with OM still, but realizes that what she's done is very wrong, and at the same time can't stop the feelings she has, and has none for me. She's not really interested in working on us, as the feelings for me aren't there, and now that I know what I need in the relationship, she thinks she can't provide any of that, and doesn't want to change.

Change to me is doing the love language of our spouse, something both of us didn't do for 15 years. She has very little hope that we could learn healthy communication and respect. She's working out, and getting physically much stronger, to help her self-image, but really thinks that we're done, and admitted it to me.

She feels bad that she 'can't be the woman I want her to be', and that 15 years of crap is too much to overcome.

I'm not doing a great job of GAL, as I'm the moth, and my W is the flame. Every time we have opportunities to bond, spend time together, I want to make small steps forward, and then get frustrated. Frustration turns into words that express my disappointment, and then the spiral down for my W begins.

W still won't let me see her phone, but I did ask if looking over her shoulder would be ok, and not have unlimited access. Didn't say yes or no, but at least I offered a concession.

My addiction, and life without emotional fulfillment as well as sexual fulfillment has gotten much tougher with time, and why I'm pushing for forward movement in the R. It's been almost 60 days since the BD, and my stopping all porn and 'self gratification'. My body adjusts well when I can exercise, but my achilles injury stopped my 1/2 hour running sessions. I'm back to walking, and my weight didn't go up, so I'm happy, but want to get back to losing weight and feeling like the impulse to go back to old habits isn't there.

Detaching and GAL while separated would seem to be much easier than when we're in the same house.
I do get the opportunity to interact with W all the time, I just need to realize how precious every opportunity is and not waste them.

The discussion about New Year's Eve came up with the kids, and I said I'm headed out. W was very upset that I would spend New Years away from her and the kids, so there is something left in her that wants me, but she's fighting lots of inner demons right now, and just doesn't have a good way to cope.

I've mentioned that I'm not strong enough to deal with all this by myself, and I've asked for help, and continue to get help every week... so maybe she should see if someone can help her. I'm showing that I care, but not insisting she see a therapist, but I think it would really help her to understand what she's feeling. It took about a month of sessions for me to understand that my base feeling was HURT, not anger, and that the hurt ran deep, and that I'm in a vulnerable state, and bruise easily right now.

I think I've forgiven my wife... the hurt is still there, and will be there for a long while. I say I think, as I'm not 100% sure. If anyone can comment on this, that would be awesome. I like hearing different perspectives.