I am trying to look ahead. Starting to look forward to moving far away. I'll be closer to one of my best friends. I'll hopefully eventually buy a place and not just throw money out the window on rent every month. The last one especially makes me feel good. Owning something as an investment.
I also like myself better. I don't have many outwardly changes yet, but I am becoming a nicer, less judgemental and much more compassionate. And I know not to let a relationship this far off track again.
But I'm also worried about being lonely. When my parents split up my mom had one longterm relationship with the wrong guy. Then she was alone and very lonely for a long time until in her mid-fifties when she met her soulmate. I'm still young enough that I could have another kid, but I would have to act soon. So that's prob not in the cards. It's killing me that D won't have siblings. I can't imagine life without my own, having someone who understands all your references, knows exactly where you're coming from etc. I know being siblings don't necessarily mean you'll be close. My H and his sibling aren't. They get along fine but don't really speak outside family gatherings. Maybe that's why he went from wanting 3-4 kids to "well, at least we had one".
Tomorrow is my Bday. I don't usually care about getting older, in fact I find the confidence and wisdom that age brings soothing, but in light of the above its making me sad. Getting older and looking older, especially as someone who has been pregnant, given birth and nursed, isn't exactly giving me the confidence I need to go meet someone. Arghh! Wish I could to bed and sleep for a year.
